My hand along the wall steadied me as I walked toward the front door. The sunlight streamed in through the glass pane, beckoning me like a promise—if I could just get out of here somewhat intact, I’d be okay. Because I had to be. I had Colt and Maisie to take care of. I didn’t have the luxury of falling apart like some lovesick girl.
I didn’t have the luxury of forgiving Beckett.
“I understand.” His voice came from right behind me as my hand gripped the door handle. I felt his nearness, that palpable electricity that had always sparked between us, and knew if I turned he’d be right there. “If you need anything, I’m still here.”
My eyes burned again, but this time it wasn’t grief over Ryan, but Beckett. The feeling was similar, knowing I’d lost the person I’d loved most.
“I think it would be best if you left.” I spoke directly to the door. Beckett remaining in Telluride would only give me time to fall right back into him—and I couldn’t survive another lie. I couldn’t be strong for my kids when Beckett brought me to my knees, and they came first. Always. “I’ll have your things boxed from my place and sent over. I don’t ever want to see you again.”
As surely as if I’d cauterized the wound with a branding iron, every nerve in my body cried out with pain, sharp and nauseating. Without waiting for his response, I walked out of the cabin and didn’t look back.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Beckett
Letter #22
Chaos,
Ryan is dead. But I’m sure you already know that. I honestly feel like I’m just writing it out so it feels real.
Ryan is dead.
Ryan is dead.
Ryan…
Nothing about it feels right. His body is still in Dover, being prepared for burial, and they’ve already told me that I can’t see him. In that way, I’m hoping it’s all a cruel joke, that he’s not really in a box. That I don’t have to figure out where to bury my brother.
My mom. My dad. My grandmother. Ryan. They’re all gone, and yet I’m still here. Is Maisie next? Is this what life really is? One tragedy after another? Or is this simply the way my life is going?
Colt and Maisie are devastated. Colt refused to speak yesterday after I told him, and Maisie hasn’t stopped crying. I, on the other hand, haven’t started crying. Not yet. I’m terrified that once I start, I won’t ever stop. I’ll just be this saltwater fountain who leaks misery.
Ryan was my best friend. My safe harbor in a storm. And now I feel like I’m out on this endless ocean in the middle of a hurricane, and the waves are just waiting to capsize me and take me under.
I know this sounds crazy, but the only person I want right now is you. You’re the only person I’ve been completely honest with these last few months. You’re the only person who might understand the debilitating, soul-crushing grief that I can’t even begin to fathom. Because I know, as much as you swear you don’t know what family is, Ryan was your brother. He was your family.
I’m just hoping you come for his funeral, because I know he would have wanted you here. I know I do. And if you can’t come, then I hope you’re not changing your plans. Please come to Telluride. Even if it’s just to get a cup of coffee with me. Please come.
~ Ella
…
I read the letter for the hundredth time or so, and then put it back into my nightstand drawer. I’d avoided that letter, and the two that had followed, for the last sixteen months, and now it was all I wanted to read—to hear her voice in my head.
If I’d read it when she’d sent it, instead of hiding it away, I would have come. I never could have denied her, and everything would have been different. Then again, Ryan would still be dead because of me, so maybe not.
I came down the stairs of my new house to find Havoc napping in the sun that came through the floor-to-second-story windows in my great room. I’d had a section of the trees cleared so I could see the island that perched in the middle of the tiny lake. Luckily, with the angle my house was at, I couldn’t see Ella’s house.
Maybe I was torturing myself keeping Ryan’s grave in sight, but knowing Ella was this close and so damn far was way worse. It had been over a month since she’d walked out of my cabin. My things had arrived that afternoon. My entire role in Ella’s life came down to four moving boxes.
As breakups went, I’d expected screaming, shrieking, throwing things at me for what I’d done, but her stoic silence was worse. She’d accepted that we were done, and now I had to move on without her and the kids.
God, I missed the kids. Falling for Ella had tied me to them in a way that was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing for all they taught me, for the love I hadn’t realized I’d even been able to feel. A curse because Ella cut off all my access, as was her right. She didn’t trust me, and that extended to the kids. Her heart was broken over me, but my heart was shattered over the loss of all three of them.
I sighed at the sight of my empty living room. I really needed to buy some furniture. I had the bedroom covered, and most of the kitchen stuff was being delivered daily, thanks to Amazon.com. But the rest of the furniture just didn’t seem important, because this was my house but for some reason didn’t feel like my home.
My phone rang as I opened the fridge to figure out some lunch.
“Gentry,” I answered, wondering who had gotten themselves lost this time. As spring came to the area, more hikers were showing up and getting altitude sickness, or lost, or breaking their bones in inconvenient locations.
“Mr. Gentry? I’m so sorry to bother you. This is Principal Halsen over here at the elementary school. I happen to have Colton in the office.”
My stomach lurched. “Is he okay? Is he hurt?” Why were they calling me?
“No, no. Nothing like that. He actually got into an altercation today with a classmate and needs to go home.”
“A fight?” No way. Not Colt. Sure, the kid got fired up, but I’d never seen him get violent unless it was over Maisie.
“Yep, a fight.”
“Whoa. Did you call his mom?”
“We tried, but she’s not answering, and Colt told us that she’s in Montrose for one of Margaret’s therapies. I was hoping you might be able to come pick him up.”
I pulled the phone away from my ear and checked the number, just to make sure I wasn’t being pranked. “Pick him up?” I asked slowly.
“Yes. Policy demands that he go home for the day, and you’re the second name on his emergency contact sheet.”
Shit. Ella hadn’t updated the kids’ information yet. Which meant I might get to see Colt. I slammed the door on my excitement. Ella didn’t want me to see him, and I had no right to. “Is anyone else on the list?”
“Only Ada and Larry, and from what I’m being told, they’re on vacation in Glenwood Springs for a few days.”
Which left me.
“Yeah, I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
He thanked me, and we hung up.
I hesitated for a second, my finger hovering over Ella’s name on my contacts list, but I manned up and clicked the phone icon. It went straight to voicemail, not that I was surprised. I’d tried to call a few times that first week and had the same result. Ella was done with me. She’d told me that lies were her hard limit, and she meant it.
“Hey, Ella, it’s Beckett. Look, the school just called, and I guess Colt got into a fight and needs to be picked up. I’m the only one on his list, so I’m going to grab him. Let me know if you want me to drop him at the main house at Solitude or bring him up to Montrose. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll just bring him back to my house. I know you don’t want me to see him, but this is a little out of my control, so I’m hoping you’ll understand. Thanks.” I hung up and rested the phone against my forehead. Even hearing the message on her voicemail was torture.
I left Havoc sleeping in the sunshine and headed out, driving along the dirt road that cut through the property. Within twenty minutes, I pulled up to the school. With all the butterflies in my stomach, I would have thought I was the one about to get it from the principal. Instead, I was about to get it from Colt.