It felt awkward to admit my new friendship with Ben to my sister.
No, that was wrong. I didn’t feel awkward… I felt guilty.
This friendship felt like a betrayal to Grady.
Nausea washed over me and I tried to ignore the disappointment that fizzed in my stomach. Disappointment because I’d let Grady down.
And disappointment because I would have to give up Ben and his good wine.
It shouldn’t be hard though. We’d spent two nights chatting; there wasn’t a whole lot of foundation there.
“Liz!” Emma shouted and I jerked back to the present. “Are you okay?”
I looked up and met her stormy blue eyes. I smiled weakly and tried to reassure her with a confident expression. “I’m fine. Just thinking.”
“About Grady?”
Actually, for the first time in a long time, it was not about Grady. And that was more reason to end whatever this was with Ben.
Not that it was anything.
God, why did I keep doing that?
“Should we eat?” I knew that was a deflection, but I also knew my psych-major sister would allow it.
“Yes, I’m starving!” she groaned.
We settled in around the island and dug into the random appetizers I’d set out. Our mother had never been a very good cook, so Emma and I had learned to pick at food, rather than sitting down to full meals. With my own children, I tried to be better about serving complete dinners. But when Em and I got together we fell back into the routine of our childhood.
“Me too.” I loaded up my plate with hummus, crackers, jarred bruschetta and some bread. I took a sip of the sugary sangria and decided I wasn’t that much of a snob.
“So Katherine took all of the kiddos?”
I nodded around a bite. “She picked up Luce and Jace right after naptime. She plans to keep them through lunch tomorrow.”
“That’s nice of her.”
“The kids were really excited.”
“It’s kind of weird though, isn’t it? I mean, it’s so quiet here.”
“Yes! I could not wait to have the night off, but now that they’re gone, I can’t stop missing them! There’s something wrong with me.”
Emma laughed and shook out her hair. “There is nothing wrong with you, Elizabeth. You’re just addicted to children. Okay… maybe that’s not exactly normal. But I’m sure with a little therapy and maybe we can get you some Xanax and-”
“Okay, stop! You big brat.” I gave her a dirty look and tried not to smile. “We just haven’t been apart very much over the last few months. I’m not used to having the house to myself.”
“Well, we’d better make the most of it!” Her blue eyes twinkled with the possibilities. “Should we turn on some rap music and dance around in our underwear? Or ooh! We could pop some popcorn and watch terrible TV that you would never turn on when your children are home!”
“Wow, Em, your ideas are truly inspired.”
She did not appreciate my sarcasm. “Alright, sister dearest, what’s your brilliant plan for the evening?”
A thought struck me. “Let’s go swimming!”
“Swimming?”
“My new neighbor has a heated pool! And he said I could use it whenever I wanted.”
“The new neighbor?” Her eyebrows rose with interest. “The hot new neighbor?”
“Ben,” I offered.
Her interest died and she crinkled her nose. “Right, Ben. But won’t it be weird if we just walk over there and jump in? What if he has people over?”
“He’s not there. He has a date tonight.”
“A date?” She shook her head slowly like she had trouble figuring this out. “How do you know so much about his social life?”
“I’m playing nice,” I told her. The guilt swarmed again and I wondered if saying the words out loud would make it go away. Now it felt like I was hiding something illicit from her. Which was ridiculous. I needed to rip this Band-Aid off and face her judgment. “He helped me mow once and I’ve seen him a few times since then.”
“Oh,” she sounded honestly surprised. “That is nice of you.”
“I can be nice.”
She didn’t say anything.
“So do you want to go swimming? You can borrow one of my suits.”
“It’s heated?”
“It is! I’ve already been in it once, remember?”
“Sure, sounds fun! We’ll take our wine over there. Actually, it’s starting to sound amazing.”
By the time we finished picking at our dinner and put the leftovers away, we had finished the first bottle of sangria. We left the dishes and wandered upstairs to pick out swimming suits from my limited supply.
Emma wasn’t impressed with my offerings, but she found one that she deemed “could work.”
I slipped into my choice, a simple black two-piece, and couldn’t help but feel extremely naked. I stared at my body in the bathroom mirror and wrapped my arms around my middle.
I hadn’t been self-conscious about my image since high school. When I got to college I really grew into my own skin and decided to start loving who I was. Then I met Grady. If I had been okay with what I looked like before, his adoration for my body gave me a whole new sense of confidence.
Throughout our marriage, whatever insecurities I had never lasted long with his appreciative gaze and sweet, whispered words. He made me feel beautiful. He built up a confidence in me that I had hoped was unshakeable.
I didn’t want to be the kind of girl that found her value in other people’s words, and I didn’t think I was. But his constant reminding had made it easy.
I still had the same body; in fact, I was much more toned now than I had been in my marriage. I had been soft from happiness and four pregnancies. I hadn’t been fat, just soft.
Now, after months of running, my muscles were toned and my stomach had some definition. And yet, staring at myself in the mirror, I missed the easy way Grady made me feel sexy. I missed the way he would stare at me as if he couldn’t believe that I was real.
I could hold those memories close, but they could never do for me what his actual presence did.