“What do you mean by that? How can a form fit your soul?” Shade asked quickly before Grim had a chance to continue.
“Does a soul have a shape Shade? Does it have a gender?” Grim asked and Shade could only shrug in response. It wasn’t something that he had ever pondered before. “To the Shifters it does not, but there are forms that the soul finds more harmony with. Some Shifters choose the life of the animal they have an affinity with and live out their days as a wolf or cat or whatever form they have. Others find harmony in their human form and choose to live out their days in cities. No one in Glis judges them for where they find harmony. A wolf may have more respect than a man in Glis, but is all based on the actions of the individual, not the skin they have chosen to live in.”
“But you grew up in Arovan and didn’t have the option of living as a wolf.” Shade observed with a slow nod.
Grim nodded in confirmation and a faint smile curved his lips. “I was cast out and this body is not the one I would have chosen had I been given the option. Over the years I have honed this form and found harmony in what I have made of it however and I have found my balance at great cost, but I don’t think you have found yours yet. Every time you have changed yourself around me you have only altered minor details. You have never truly changed what you are. You are too tied to your current form to discover what your soul finds harmony with.”
“What do you mean at great cost?” Shade asked. He had to admit what Grim was saying had merit, but he didn’t like the idea of harmony having a price.
“Do you remember when you asked me if this was my true form in Rivana?” Grim smiled as he spoke and traced a finger across one of his high cheek bones. “I could see on your face then that you knew I was more than a simple Shifter. I have honed this body with every tool or spell I could find to suit me. Ryvenken, forgotten magic, amongst a few other things, basically anything I could do to improve what I was no matter what bargain I had to strike. Ryvenken for example feeds off of my soul, but to be more than what I was made it seem like a good trade at the time. You have to understand. I grew up in Arovan amongst Elementalists, and to them my druidic gifts were nothing. Yes I could shift to a wolf, but could I summon a storm or call an earthquake?” Grim smiled bitterly and shook his head slowly. “I was nothing to them. I was weak, pathetic, and not worthy of mention in their eyes. So as a child I pushed myself well past my limits to prove myself to a culture that didn’t understand me at all. Then I met Micah and he treated me well despite my differences. For a time that was enough and I grew to love him like a brother. Then Honor joined our circle and Micah grew somewhat distant, then Sebastian came and I slowly realized that while I loved Micah like a brother, he loved me like a well-crafted weapon. I was useful to him and he appreciated my value, but I was never an equal in his eyes. In some that might have bred resentment, but for me it was incentive to improve myself more. If I was the best I could possibly be I could keep Micah’s affection and force my father to acknowledge my worth in one breath. So I went beyond physical training and mundane spell casting and sought out ancient methods to find perfection.”
“I thought that you had Divine blood.” Shade admitted when Grim fell silent.
“If only.” Grim said ruefully then shook his head. “I am my own unholy creation and in many ways my desire to be more is exactly what has made me less. I focused so much on my strength and training that I failed to retain balance of spirit. I am fearless, but I am callous as well. I think that’s why Finn and I hated each other at first sight. We looked at one another and saw flaws where we expected to find perfection. We hated each other because we were the same sort of creature. He crafted himself in the arena and I spent years proving myself on the battlefield and in the end it at the same result. He became the most feared duelist in Sanctuary and I earned my reputation as the Bloody Huntsman. I am good at killing and I reveled in the blood just as much as he did, but for different reasons. For every enemy I slew I gained more of Micah’s favor and after a time there wasn’t a single person in Arovan that didn’t know my worth. The knights scoffed at Caleb Faulklin, but no one looked down their nose at the Bloody Huntsman.” Grim gave a bitter smirk and let out a slow breath before continuing.
“It wasn’t until I met Evanell that I realized there was at least one person that would appreciate me for what I was and not what I could do.” He gave a short bitter laugh and smiled widely. “In all honesty Evanell hated what I could do. She was a healer and I was two steps from being a bloodthirsty psychopath. I tried to court her and she pushed me away with both arms. In my persistence I discovered it was my career as a soldier that she hated more than anything else. So I left the Arovan Army and moved to Amdany. It took weeks to adjust to normal life and for a time it was nearly impossible to control my temper, but for Evanell I managed. She gave me harmony in life without having me to prove myself. She balanced what I lacked and when I was with her I was whole.” Grim paused and a look of grief filled his eyes as he folded his hands in his lap.