The Crow King's Wife (The Elder Blood Chronicles #5)

“Regardless of how you found me, you shouldn’t have come. Zoey was supposed to stop you if you tried.” Shade informed him gently as he resumed his seat by the balcony rail and tried to fight back his unease at the change in the city. He flicked the ash from his cigarette absently and stared through the rails at the shadow wrapped images of Sanctuary. It was strange to see the life flowing through the streets but to hear nothing but silence around them. Sanctuary was never silent, even in the dead of night.

“The Divine of Fear himself couldn’t have stopped me from following you so Zoelyn was woefully inadequate for the job.” Grim returned with a faint smile. He shifted to a more comfortable position and gazed at Shade with a considering look before speaking again. “You remind me of Micah in so many ways, but in others you are more than he ever was. Others may not realize what you sacrificed for my life, but I do, and I will not ignore the debt. You chose to push everyone away so that you could spare them from sharing your fate. I refuse to be pushed aside, Shade.”

“I don’t see a debt between us, Grim. If anything I made us even with what I did in Rivana.” Shade admitted somberly. He wasn’t sure what to make of Grim’s words. On one hand he was grateful that there was at least one person that refused to lose faith in him, yet on the other side of that was the fact that Grim’s faith would most likely mean his death if Myth found them.

“Not something I care to argue over. There are other more pressing things I’d like to discuss, but before we get to that I have a question for you. After everything you have faced, why are you giving up now? What changed to make you believe you cannot survive this?” Grim watched him closely and Shade had the distinct impression that if he tried to lie now Grim would see it as clearly as a smile on his face.

“I can’t win against Myth. I can’t even hide from Myth. I have too many habits and not enough skills with changing myself to win this particular fight.” Shade answered bluntly.

Grim nodded slowly in agreement then shook his head as if he had just decided he didn’t actually agree at all. “You can’t win alone. With help you have better odds. With my help you can most likely survive, but therein lays the problem. You trust me, but I think you trust what you think I am, rather than who I truly am. So before we progress I feel inclined to shred your misconceptions and see if you still trust me when I’m finished.”

“Grim I don’t want you to suffer because of me.” Shade said flatly and let out a harsh breath. “I don’t want anyone to suffer because of me and I really don’t think you realize exactly how deep in the shit I am right now. I am not safe to be around. Please, just go back to Syrah.”

“And that is another point of my discussion, but that comes at the end of it all.” Grim said cryptically but held a hand up before Shade could interrupt. “We share more than you realize Shade. You spent your childhood trying to prove to your father that you were worthy of him. I spent my childhood trying to force mine to regret casting me aside. Both of us suffered in the same fashion and the results have left us both somewhat broken. You give too much of yourself, and I never seem to give enough.” He paused and let out a long slow breath. “Or when I do give enough it’s for the wrong reasons, such as Rivana. I didn’t go there to punish them for killing my friends. I went there to hurt them as much as they hurt me. On the surface it can be confused, but when you get to the bones of it I acted selfishly rather than nobly.”

“Either way the judgment was delivered.” Shade observed and shrugged one shoulder.

“It was, but that is the first part of your confusion on me. I’m trying to explain to you what I truly am.” Grim clarified and fell silent for a breath as he gathered his thoughts.

“Are you going to expect me to explain to you what I really am when you are done? Because I honestly don’t think I can do that. I’m not sure I can even begin to define myself.” Shade broke in before Grim could continue. He wasn’t sure what the point of any of this was. He couldn’t honestly say that he truly knew any of the people he considered friends to the core, but that had never mattered to him before, and he didn’t understand why Grim seemed to think it mattered now.

“I don’t need you to explain yourself to me, Shade. I can see you clearly for what you are, which is exactly why I’m here. You may have fooled the others, but you didn’t fool me.” Grim returned with a faint smirk. “I’m really not sure how to unveil myself quickly. I’ve spent so many years wearing a mask painted with the misconceptions of others that I’m not sure where the best place to start is.” Grim admitted softly. With a sigh he leaned his head back against the wall and stared up at the shadowed sky above them. “I suppose I’ll muddle my way through and if you get confused by my rambling let me know.” He decided after a long moment.

“Grim, you don’t have to do this. It won’t matter to me and you know it. I don’t care what you have done you are my friend.” Shade protested, but Grim simply shook his head in response and cleared his throat as if he expected what he had to say to take a long while.

“First off let me explain why you have trouble with your changing as far as I see it. It will explain a bit about me as well.” He began and dropped his gaze back to Shade as he spoke. “In the eyes of the Shifters each form you take is another life. From what I’ve seen you blend all of your lives together and thus you have habits that bleed through. For the Shifters each form has its own habits and desires. That’s why you don’t see a Shifter switching forms for convenience. It might be easier to travel as a wolf, but most don’t shift simply to make life easier. For some such as myself it is too hard to come back. Had I been born in Glis I would have most likely chosen the life of a wolf. That is the form that fits my soul best.”