Chapter Six
Jem
No Bryn tonight. Things have been tense the last few days; my moods piss him off but people in my face telling me what to do pisses me off. After a couple of weeks of clashing, he’s gone home. Bryn hides it but I can tell he’s surprised at my continuing sobriety.
This leaves me alone with Ruby Riot again.
They’ve played a few gigs over the last month, even going as far afield as Wales and I teased the band that Cardiff counted as a European tour. Liam saw them for the first time when we were over there and I think he was impressed. We were both distracted by chicks that night, haven’t had a real chance to talk to Liam about his opinion. Dan the Dickhead comes with us to every gig. I act as if he isn’t here; the fucker doesn’t know how lucky he is I didn’t smack him that time in the alley. He’s extra loving to Ruby when I’m around, which grates. I’ve seen bruises on Ruby. I tried to talk to her before the gig in Cardiff, but she shut me down. I only tried once; the longing to touch Ruby that seizes my logic whenever she’s close means staying well away is the only option.
Each time I watch Ruby perform, every second I spend around her, the harder it is to shut her out. There’s something about this talented, too tempting woman with her strange personas. The make-up and ink hide some of who she is, the first line of defence against the world. If that doesn’t work in keeping people out, Ruby’s foul mouth and attitude are turned full volume. Thing is, this doesn’t work with me. I can outmatch her because I’ve had years more practice than she has. So when her defences fail, Ruby’s lost around me and retreats to a third persona. Not Ruby, not Tuesday, but somebody fighting to find her way through. I catch glimpses of this girl; I suspect I’m the only one who does. Every time this Ruby appears, she backtracks as if she can’t allow her to be seen, and definitely not around me. The hidden girl is the one I’m freefalling toward, the other girl of my dreams. Dreams about Ruby meld with the nightmares about Liv and that f-ucking terrifies me.
The frustration with the situation doesn’t help when the band piss me off too. I book Ruby Riot a decent sized venue they’d never play if it weren’t for my influence, and they refuse to give me a definite yes until two days before. Apparently, Ruby hasn’t felt well the last couple of weeks and they were waiting to see how she is before committing.
Bullshit.
The reason is with them now; Dan the Dickhead watching everyone set up the equipment, keeping Ruby in sight. In line. Under control. I don’t get it, can’t figure out how this sharp, smart girl allows her life to be dominated by someone else. Why the f-uck do women do this?
Not my problem. I can’t fix them. The mantra continues, but weakens.
Jax corners me as usual, his hero-worship flattered at first but is bordering on annoying now. He wants to show me a new song he’s written and asks for input. Jax is determined, the driving force behind the band and reminds me of myself. A less fucked up version. Jax seems to have his head screwed on the right way, probably had a calmer start in life. I relent and give him the nod to show me. I guess I annoyed the crap out of people pushing Blue Phoenix onto everyone back in the day.
Jax drinks from a bottle of water. He’s learned I’ll pay more attention if he keeps alcohol away from me, then plays what he’s written and I’m impressed. He’s a talented guy.
“I’m going to sort you guys a tour then some studio time,” I tell him.
Jax’s face transforms from rock-star cool to open-mouthed astonishment. “f-ucking serious?”
“Yeah. We need a proper set of tracks to play Steve. The couple of songs you have on Bandcamp aren’t enough. We gotta get you out there.” I pause. “Needs a bit more commitment though.”
“f-uck, yeah! I’ll drop everything - time out for a few days.”
“Not just you. You’ve got to all be able to commit.”
Jax nods vigorously. “We’re committed.”
“Ruby?” I set down my guitar. “And her ‘health problems’.”
The sharp look he gives me is an exchange of understanding. “She’ll be cool. She wants this as much as the rest of us.”
“I don’t doubt that.” I pause. Shouldn’t get involved. “What’s going on with her?”
“What do you mean?”
“Ruby. Cool chick, ballsy but she doesn’t look well. Is she using? That’d be a deal-breaker for me.”
“No,” says Jax firmly. “We don’t. None of us.”
“She looks ill.”
“She’s had a tough time the last few years.”
Not going there. “Okay. Obviously not a healthy lifestyle though.”
Again, a look passes from Jax, the need to know but not want to hear. “She’s trying to change the things in her life doing damage, but it’s tough for her.”
“Yeah?”
Jax sets down his drink. “Listen, Jem, I keep out where I need to and help where I can. Don’t push this. It’s complicated and not our business. I’ve tried to help but she won’t let me.”
“She’s your friend.”
“Yeah and how f-ucking frustrating do you think it is? But what can I do? I’m there when she needs, if she needs. You? As soon as it interferes with your project, step in. Otherwise back off,” says Jax then stands. “I need to help set up before Will gets the shits with me.”
My project. Pull back, Jem. Keep out.
I follow Jax and sit at the back of the small theatre, feet on a chair in front and watch how the band interact setting their gear up on stage. How did Blue Phoenix get so lost? The Ruby Riot easy-going relationship is apparent. The synchronicity performing onstage is always matched by offstage, as the brothers laugh at Jax’s attempts to boss them around. There’s a couple of chicks hanging around today, grungy girls in flowery dresses and sloppy cardigans. No Sara, thankfully. Ruby doesn’t speak to them, and they stay clear of her.
Dan skulks at the edge of the stage; with his muscles he could join in and help set up but I suspect the band tries to keep him at arm’s-length. He’s been at each of the last couple of gigs, watching over Ruby’s every move. The guys rarely speak to him.
Ruby has trouble tuning her guitar and Jax goes over with his, the pair of them attempting to get the sounds in sync. Then they kneel on the stage together, looking over a set list and Ruby scrawls through with a pen, rearranging the order. I can’t hear their conversation but see Ruby getting agitated and Jax’s attempts to calm the situation by touching her hand isn’t helping. I straighten as her voice rises. This isn’t going well.
Dan sits forward, elbows on his knees as Ruby and Jax continue their head to head. Jax pushes Ruby’s hair away from where it splays across the paper taped to the floor in front of them, and she freezes, catching his hand. She remains holding it for a few seconds too long for my liking. Is there something going on here I’m not aware of? And if there is, why is my heart sinking?
Jax cheers as Ruby hands him the pen back and calls a triumphant ‘yes’ before he grabs her by both cheeks and kisses her mouth. Ruby shoves him hard in the chest and, as he’s squatting, Jax lands on his back. He lies for a moment laughing and Ruby gets up and storms from the stage area.
Dan follows.
****
RUBY
Shit.
I stride toward the Ladies, almost breaking into a run. I know Dan will follow. If I get their first and wait inside, will Dan be calmer by the time I come back out, or more wound up?
What the f-uck does Jax think he’s doing?
Dan catches up, his heavy footsteps on the tiled floor behind. Fingers dig my arm as he drags me to one side. Gauging his mood isn’t needed; his heavier breathing and reddening face tell me all I need to know.
“You said you weren’t screwing anyone else,” he growls. “What the f-uck was that?”
I attempt to control my own breathing, fighting to keep the oxygen disappearing from my lungs. “Jax messing around.”
“You can’t let other people touch you.”
“I know. He knows. I think he forgot.”
“You see now why I have to watch you? See why I don’t believe you?”
The pressure on my skin increases; I’ll have new bruises on my upper arm later. “It’s true, Dan. There’s nobody else. I don’t need anyone else.”
Dan glances around then moves closer. “You’re an ungrateful bitch. I take care of you, put a roof over your head, and what do I ask for in return? Nothing. Have you forgotten that without me you’re nothing?”
“Sorry,” I curl my fingers around his. “I’ll tell him to leave me alone.”
“Do you forget where you came from?” he asks, voice low and grip firm. “Where do you think you’d be now if I hadn’t helped?”
“I don’t know. Somewhere bad.” But not as bad as this.
“I don’t know why I bothered with someone as worthless as you; sometimes I wish I hadn’t. If your brother had warned me what you were like, I’d never have helped out.”
And if Quinn had known what you were like, he’d never have asked.
“Dan… I’m sorry. Please. Don’t be angry.” I touch his smoothly shaven face, looking directly into his glittering eyes. “I’ll make it up to you.”
“You better bloody had!” He drops his grip and pushes me. “This is the last night for you and these guys until I can trust you. No more gigs.”
I open my mouth to protest but the dark mask is on his face, the other Dan who can hurt me. Be nice. Get away. “Can I go for a smoke?”
Dan crosses his arms. “I’ll come looking for you in five minutes if you’re not back. I need a word with that asshole who had his hands on you.”
“Okay. Thanks.” I sidestep Dan and, swallowing down my panic, I head to the back door before he changes his mind, hoping he doesn’t have a showdown with Jax.
Outside, the full moon is partly obscured by the clouds, low and bright. Stars fight their way through the clouds and I gaze up at them as I light my cigarette with shaking fingers.
“Hey, Ruby Tuesday!”
I pout at my big brother calling me this and he ruffles my hair. “How’s my little sis?”
Say nothing. “Okay. How’s uni?”
“Good. Sorry I haven’t been home for a while, everything going okay? School okay?”
“School sucks. Same old.”
Quinn’s brow puckers. “Sorry, I wish I was around more.”
“S’okay, enjoying your new student life?”
“Yeah, but I worry about you. Are you okay?”
Big brother sixth sense? No, I’m not. I never am when you’re not here.
Things are only calm when Quinn’s in the house. He’s bigger than my uncle and would hurt him, hopefully, as much as my uncle hurts me. Now Quinn’s gone.
“I’m okay.”
Say nothing. I inhale the smoke and hold it in my lungs, closing my eyes as I calm myself. Lost in thoughts of Quinn, and how unfair it is he’s not here anymore, I’m unaware of someone else close by until I open them. Jem rests against the wall opposite, the orange glow of a lit cigarette in his hand as he regards me. Did he see what happened with Dan again?
“Shit! You scared me.” Is that really, why my heart rate has picked up again? Alone with Jem in the dark; close to the man who’s creeping into my dreams and my stupid body reacts, the tension of my encounter with Dan replaced by desire for Jem’s attention. Stupid body, stupid girl. Screwing Jem would be a mistake for a million different reasons, and I’m beginning to get the impression that’s what he wants. Yet at the same time, I’m unsure. The way he usually looks at me isn’t desire, if anything he’s attempting to avoid looking at me much of the time. There’s something going on between us but I can’t figure out what.
“You’re on in ten,” he says.
“Yeah, doesn’t take me that long to smoke.” I throw my half-finished cigarette to the ground and step on it, preparing to leave. “Done now. See?”
“How much do you want this, Ruby?” he asks in a low voice. “The band, the music. Success, if I have anything to do with it.”
I hesitate. “A lot.”
He makes a soft sound in his throat. “That’s not enough. You have to need it. Music has to be a part of you, something essential every day to survive. Something you’d give everything for.” He pauses. “Change everything for.”
“It is. I do.”
“But will you walk away from what you need to?”
Jem did this before, attempted to talk to me about my screwed up situation but there’s no point. How would Jem Jones understand how complicated my life is? Like most people, he’ll think I should walk away from the situation with Dan and look down on me because I don’t.
I fold my bare arms across my chest, skin goose bumping in the evening breeze. “Did you walk away?”
Jem steps from the shadows, closer to me than he’s been since we had a similar conversation in Cardiff. “I’m not talking about me. I’m asking you.”
“Music is the only thing that keeps me going day to day,” I tell him. This is one thing Jem will understand. This is why he’s here. Music is his life, saved him at his darkest times too.
“It shouldn’t be the only thing in life you live for, just a big part of it. You need more than music to keep you happy or you’ll burn out.”
He’s further into my personal space than anyone gets apart from Dan and occasionally Jax and I feel it. The energy from Jem reaches between us, surrounding us. I shuffle away. “Very philosophical.”
“You think I’m philosophical?” He snorts. “It’s true, believe me.” He moves closer again. “I’m not interfering in your personal life, that’s your call. But if Dan has to follow you to weekend gigs, what’s he going to do if we go on tour?”
“On tour?” I straighten.
Jem takes a drag from his cigarette and pauses before exhaling the smoke. “Not a done deal unless the whole band agrees, but something I’m willing to help with.”
“Why?”
“Because I can remember being you,” Jem says quietly. “I remember being consumed by the music, by the belief Blue Phoenix were f-ucking good. All I wanted was a chance to prove that to the world but nobody would help. I want to help you guys do that.”
“Why though? Why us?”
“I just said, you remind me of Phoenix.” He throws his half-smoked cigarette to the ground. “You also know what’s happened in my life recently. I need a distraction. A project. Music is what allows me to cope; and if I can’t do that with Phoenix, I’ll do it through another band. Preferably yours.”
The mystery surrounding Jem Jones intrigues me. I’ve watched his rise and fall over and over, read stories about how these guys treated women in the past. Objects, playthings. Will Ruby Riot be his plaything? Is Dan right? Is part of his agenda screwing me? Is that why he’s closing in on me physically right now?
“Yeah, we can talk about this. I can’t believe you have such faith in us though…”
Jem shrugs. “I know something good when I hear it.”
“Thanks.” I smile.
The curious look Jem gives me sends my alert system haywire. I spend a good deal of time not meeting his eyes, because when I do, I feel exposed. Jem sees into a place nobody does, through Ruby and to the edge of Tuesday. He rubs a finger along his lips and pulls something from his back pocket.
“I want you to have this.” He holds out a small card in his long fingers.
“What is it?”
“Blue Phoenix’s publicity company. I want you to chat with them.”
“What about?”
Jem shrugs. “Dunno. PR shit. I can only do so much. I’ve spoken to them about you guys. Arrange a meeting.”
“Okay…” I hesitantly take the card, and as I do Jem’s fingers linger against mine. The gesture is innocent enough, but to me loaded with the weight of realisation he’s never touched me before, not even accidentally. If he had, there’s no way I’d have forgotten the shock of his calloused fingertips against my skin or the effect on my heart rate. I curl my fingers around the card and drop my hand.
“Get rid of him,” Jem says in a low voice. “Don’t let him destroy Ruby; she’s actually a nice girl when you get to speak to her.”
My normal response would be a retort at him to back the f-uck off; but I’m aware I’m reaching a point where I need to make my choice, between being who I am, or who somebody else wants me to be. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to choose.
Without another word, Jem ducks back into the building and I wait a minute before following. The Jax situation was bad enough; arriving back with Jem wouldn’t be wise. I flip the business card in my hands as I head back to where we’re setting up for tonight and catch sight of something written on the back. In black scrawl is a Notting Hill address. I stop and stare at the words.
Jem gave me his address.
Shoving the card in the back pocket of my jeans, I keep walking. Another man interfering in my life isn’t what I need.