Are you ruined?
I shake my head. No. No, I’m not.
It’s late evening and my stomach growls, reminding me that I didn’t have lunch and it’s getting past time for dinner. So I throw on some clothes and go downstairs, thinking about grabbing something to eat and then doing something productive to help with our mission, since I got sidetracked earlier.
As soon as I reach the bottom of the stairs though, I realize it’s darker than it normally is down there. Several lights are off, and there’s a warm glow flickering on the walls.
Frowning, I keep walking and step into the living room to find a bunch of candles set up on all the flat surfaces. All the guys are there too, candlelight flickering on their faces, and my footsteps slow.
“What’s going on?” I ask, glancing around at them.
“We thought…” Priest starts. He seems unsure for a second, and then continues. “This is a memorial for Hannah. We thought you might want to do that.”
My chest tightens, and emotions go barreling through me a mile a minute. Pain at the fact that she’s gone and there needs to be a memorial at all. Anger about what Julian said, and how little he cared for someone as amazing as my sister. Warmth that the four of them put this together because they wanted to honor my sister and to make me happy.
I open my mouth to speak, but my throat is closed, blocked by the emotion in my chest.
Gage, perceptive as always to my emotions, takes a step closer to me. “Is this okay?” he asks. “We thought it would be a nice way to honor her, but we don’t want to make you think about it if you don’t want to.”
I nod emphatically, tears starting to leak from my eyes as Gage smiles and takes my hand, bringing me further into the room.
It’s lovely, just the five of us and the candlelight. And even though the four of them only really met her a couple of times, and were only able to see the real Hannah, the Hannah I knew and loved, that one time when she came to the house, I can tell their feelings in this moment are real.
Gage speaks first, as he usually does. He bows his head for a second, and I know he’s not praying, but getting his thoughts together. “I didn’t get to know Hannah as well as I would have liked to, but what I did see, I liked. I could tell she was resourceful, able to adapt. She was strong. A fighter, like her sister. She was in a bad situation, but she wasn’t desperate to save her own skin. She was putting up with it for her son’s sake, because of the depth of her love for him. Someone willing to sacrifice themself for someone they love is always an amazing person.”
I swallow hard at the steady way Gage talks about her. Because he’s right. The depth of Hannah’s love was... fathomless. I was always trying to protect her, but she did the same for me. She helped me and loved me and she looked out for Cody with the same strength.
Ash goes next, smiling a little as he speaks directly to Hannah, as if she’s listening. “You were a light, when you were here. You walked into our house and River just lit up. It was so clear how much you loved her. How even through the anger you felt, you cared about her and wanted her to be happy. Five minutes of an argument was all I needed to hear to know how strong your bond was with her.”
“And you were brave,” Knox puts in. “People always think bravery has to be punching fuckers in the face and staring down guns and shit, but there’s more to it than that. Julian’s a piece of shit, but you stayed with him. You kept your head down, hoping that one day you could get you and your son away from him. And then in that alley, you didn’t hesitate. You did what you knew you had to do, to keep what you loved safe. That’s fucking beautiful.”
Tears flow freely down my face as they talk, and I don’t make any move to stop them. Hearing them speak about my sister this way is both painful and healing in a way. It hurts because she’s gone, and she’ll never get to know these men the way I do, but I know they would have loved her.
Priest is quiet for the longest time. When he finally looks up, his eyes are soft and a bit shiny, though that might just be a trick of the light.
“I wish we could have known you more,” he says. “I wish we could have welcomed you here and kept you safe. But I promise that we will keep your sister safe in your place. We’ll give her a home, and we’ll take care of her. We’ll have her back through whatever comes her way, and she’ll never have to be alone again. You gave your life to keep her safe, and we will honor that. Forever.”
My heart aches, and Gage looks at me, a soft smile on his face.
“Did you want to say something?” he asks, and he doesn’t say it, but I know none of them would think less of me if I couldn’t manage to get any words out of my mouth.
But this could be the only chance I have to say what I want to say. Here in our living room, in this little memorial these men set up just for me.
So I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, swallowing past the emotion so I can find my voice. Just like I did when Knox asked before, I dig into the memories I have and think of the best moments I had with my sister.
“I remember being ten, when the ice cream truck came through our neighborhood. We didn’t have any money for it, and dad wasn’t home to ask. I think I’d had a bad day at school or something, because I was in a shit mood. You told me to wait in the driveway so the truck would stop, and then you ran down the street. The driver stopped, but I didn’t know what to say to him because I didn’t have any money. Then you came running back with three dollars in your hand, and we sat on the curb and ate ice cream before dinner like little rebels.”
“Where did she get the money?” Ash asks softly.
I laugh at the memory. “From this kid down the block. She told him she’d do his homework that night if he gave her three bucks. And she did it.”
The guys laugh at that, warm and appreciative.
“She was just... like that. Always willing to help, to do what she could to make things better for us. One time there was this massive storm, and the power went out in the middle of the night. Dad was asleep, and Hannah slipped out of bed and got all the flashlights and candles in the house and set them up in our room. We made a blanket fort and told stories to drown out the sound of the thunder and lightning. We were both afraid of storms, but she was willing to ignore that to make sure we weren’t in the dark.”
I wipe my eyes and drag in a deep breath. There was definitely a time when I would have been horrified to think of these guys, or anyone else for that matter, seeing me cry like this. But I know that my emotions are safe with them, and I know they’ve felt loss and hurt the way I have, so it’s not like it’s something completely new to them.
I look at Knox and smile a little. “And you’re right. She was so brave.”