I recount the story about Hannah climbing trees and helping me get to the top of the tree in the park for the others, and they’re all smiling by the time I’m done.
“She was quieter than I am sometimes, and people always thought that meant she was the meek one. But she wasn’t. She was brave and strong. She stood up for the kids in school who got picked on for being weird or poor or whatever. She didn’t take shit from anybody. That’s why it was so weird to see her so cowed when it came to Julian. He talked to her like she was a stupid kid, and she let him do it. But it was all a part of a long game. For her son. It was always like that with her.”
“She sounds amazing,” Gage murmurs. “I can see why you love her so much. And why she loved you so much in return.”
That starts the tears flowing again, and I just nod because it’s true.
“For a while, we were all we had in the world,” I tell them. “Our dad was a piece of shit, and we couldn’t count on him for anything. So we had to count on each other. That was always enough. She was always enough.”
I tell more stories about Hannah. About her learning how to cook something I wanted to try because we saw it on TV. About her walking to the library because she loved to read. About her adopting the stray cats of our neighborhood and leaving out little tins of canned chicken and fish for them and building boxes stuffed with blankets for them to curl up in during the winter.
I talk until my throat goes dry and I feel like I can’t cry anymore. I feel wrung out, but not in a bad way. And the guys listen. They take it all in and sometimes ask questions, but for the most part, they just let me get it all out.
When I feel like I don’t have anything else to say, I bow my head and drag in a shuddering breath. It feels like saying goodbye, but I guess that’s what funerals and memorials are about. Letting the person go to their rest and all.
“I’ll look out for Cody,” I murmur. “I’ll get him away from Julian, and I’ll keep him safe. I’ll teach him that there are people in the world who would move mountains to make sure he’s safe and happy. Just like you did.” I thought I was out of tears to cry, but more well in my eyes, dripping down my cheeks.
My lips tremble, but I force the words to keep coming. “I love you. So much. Always have, and I always will. Kill for you. Live for you. Die for you.”
In unison, the guys echo it back like a prayer. A benediction.
It feels like a release, and something in my chest loosens a little, the poisonous, numbing pain easing a bit.
20
River
I’m dreaming, like I always do.
I’m afraid, but not because anything scary is happening at the moment, but because I’m waiting for it to happen. Just like it always does.
I’m waiting for it to become a nightmare.
I see Hannah, and again, the fear rises up in me. But instead of being held captive, Hannah and I are free. We’re walking in the light, with no walls around us. Nothing holding us back.
Hannah gestures for me to follow her, and I do. I’d follow her anywhere, and she knows that. She leads me to a tree, and after a bit I realize it’s the same tree from my memory, the one I told Knox about.
It’s just as tall as I remember, and I have to crane my neck to see the top of it, the greenery of the boughs blotting out the sun and the clouds in the sky.
When I look back at Hannah, she’s already climbing the tree, and she turns her head and smiles at me, waving with one hand for me to follow her up.
I feel that tingle in my palms and stomach the way I did before, that fear of heights and fear of falling making itself known. But Hannah’s there. She’s climbed this tree plenty of times and nothing bad has happened. I can hear her, and I can’t tell if she’s speaking in the dream or if it’s my memory of her in my mind.
“I know all the handholds, River. I’ve done this a million times.”
There’s so much confidence in her tone, and I trust her with my life, so I follow, putting my hands where she puts her hands, copying her movements exactly.
Her voice is breathless with exertion and excitement in my head.
“We’re almost there! You’re doing so good. Just a little higher.”
Her voice blocks out all the panic in me for a bit, and I let that happen, leaning into her encouragement until we get so high up I can feel the wind whipping at my cheeks.
We climb higher than seems possible, until we get to a spot high up in the branches. They’re thick enough still for us to sit on, so we do, hugging the trunk and looking out together.
Hannah doesn’t say anything, but it’s comforting to just sit here in this tree with her, far above the streets of Detroit.
I wake up, and for once it’s not in a jolt of panic, with a scream clawing at my throat.
Gage is next to me this time, and I let out a soft sigh. It’s been a few days since the memorial the guys put together, and even though I still have nightmares, I’m starting to have other dreams about my sister too.
Nicer ones, with a lot less death and pain.
I stretch slowly, the covers moving over my naked body as I do. Gage is also naked, and he reaches for me, tugging me closer possessively, still half asleep. He mumbles something into my hair, and I smile at his sleepy gibberish. His cock slides between my legs, morning hard and at attention, and I grind against him, egging him on.
Gage groans and rolls me over onto my back, kissing me deeply. There’s so much possessiveness in it. So much want. I kiss him back, pouring all of my feelings into it. It’s easy to get lost in that for a minute, just the two of us, our hands roaming over each other’s skin.
Then Ash’s voice comes through the door.
“We’ve gotta hit the road, you two,” he calls. “Gage, you better finish in two pumps like you normally do, or we’re gonna be behind schedule.”
Gage growls and reaches for the nightstand blindly, throwing my empty water cup at the door. Ash just laughs and walks away, leaving us alone.
The gorgeous man between my legs sighs and kisses me again, softer and slower this time, but also shorter.
“We’d better get up,” he says. “If I’m going to fuck you, I want to do it right, and we don’t have time for that right now.”
I lean up and kiss him one more time before he can pull away, and then we both roll out of bed.
Excitement and anticipation mix in my stomach as I hunt down clothes to put on. We know now what route the next shipment for Julian will be taking, and we know the general time frame. We’ve got to get to a spot on the route so we can wait there to sabotage the shipment. It’s a ways away too, in the Ouachita Mountains.
Both of us get dressed, and I grab a few bottles of nail polish and shove them in the bag I’ve packed for the trip. We head downstairs together, and the others are already loading the car with the gear we’re taking.
“What the fuck are you doing, Ash?” Knox asks, sounding exasperated. “Don’t just pile the shit up like that. Have you never packed a car before?”