It had been a week since Brooke and I had our little talk. Well, she talked. I mainly listened. I officially hated Brooke now, no gray area at all. I knew she was right, though. It’s pretty impossible to get past wanting someone you love when they are always in front of you, causing the love to only get stronger.
The night before Mr. Stewart’s funeral proved that neither Noah nor I had much control over our feelings for one another. His happiness was the most important thing to me. I didn’t know if Brooke would be the one to make him happy, but they deserved a shot at it. Noah deserved a shot at it. I knew he’d be furious with me, but I was sure after some time apart we will have both moved on and gotten over the pull that our attraction has on each of us, then we can be in each other’s lives again as friends.
It felt like I was walking in quicksand as we made our way to our spot. I dreaded what I had to do. I kept telling myself I was doing it for Noah. I had spent every possible minute I could with him this week, because I knew this day was coming. I had gone over and over in my head what I was going to say. On the way to our spot, my mind went completely blank.
Once we got to our table, he started to help me up to sit, but I shook my head. He leaned against the end of the table, looking at me standing in front of him.
Confusion and concern were in his eyes when he asked, “What’s going on? You’ve been so quiet this past week.”
The tears that had started forming during our walk here began to run down my face. It felt like I stood there forever with the words stuck in my throat. The person who meant everything to me just buried his father and I was about to break my promise and leave him. Noah misread my tears as the emotions of the week catching up with me. Mr. Stewart was like my second dad.
He reached, pulling me into a hug. I put my arms around his neck and held on. I knew this was the last time I would feel his strong arms around me, touch his soft hair, and smell his wonderful citrusy scent. As he held me, I tried to get my sobs under control. I needed to do this quick before I chickened out.
I pulled back from him, his arms remained around my waist. “Noah, I need to say something.”
“Okay.”
Stepping away from him I still wasn’t sure I could go through with this. Every part of me began to quiver, the inside as well as the outside. “Promise me you’ll listen before you say anything.”
“What’s going on, Tweet?”
“Promise me.”
“Okay. I promise,” he said.
I swallowed my sobs. “You are the most important person in my life. Your happiness is my number one priority. Don’t ever doubt that, because it will never change.”
“You’re scaring me.” His voice was cracking with emotion. His beautiful light blue eyes that were filled with deep sadness started to glisten.
I knew this was it, my life would never be the same, and I was scared to death.
“I need to step away from us for a while. Seeing you with Brooke is harder than I thought it would be,” I swallowed hard. I still couldn’t believe I was doing this.
“I’ll break up with her.” His response was quick and said with such assurance. It caught me off guard.
“Brooke is who you should turn to now, not me. She’s your girlfriend.” My stomach churned when the words came out of my mouth. “She’s good for you, Noah.”
“You’re a liar. You can’t stand her,” he said.
I could feel my sobs pushing against my chest wanting to get out, but I held them in. I had to stay strong.
“You need to stop being so attached to me.”
My legs were barely holding me up they were so weak. The ache in my chest exploded with every word I said to him.
“Stop being so attached to you?” He pushed off of the table and took a step towards me.
“We’re not kids anymore. I’m getting ready to go off to school…”
“Don’t do this. I won’t touch you again, I swear, not even a hug. You can’t do this. I can’t lose you, too.” He stepped closer to me. “I love you.”
Every part of me wanted to grab him and tell him how much I loved him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He wasn’t going to make this easy on me. I had to say something that would cut right into him.
“Well, you shouldn’t. I told you over and over that I couldn’t be with you. But you kept pushing more and more each time. I can’t be with you, Noah, and I don’t want to be. I don’t feel the same way about you.”
I saw in his eyes when the shift from hurt to anger occurred. “So this is my fault? You always said the reason we couldn’t be a couple was because you’d do something to mess it up and we’d lose our friendship. Now you’re blaming me.”
“No one is to blame.” My voice sounded so small.
“Oh yeah? I blame you.” I could feel the heat from his anger radiating off his body. “You don’t give a shit about me or my happiness. All you care about is keeping things in the same little compartment, so you can control everything.”
The look in his eyes shifted again, only this time it was from anger to hate. He was starting to hate me.
I stepped back and started to turn my head away when Noah grabbed my chin forcing me to look at him. “Don’t you dare look away from me. You’re not going to run away this time.” I remained quiet, letting him say everything he needed to. “I’ve tried to stay away from you, to not touch you, and I’ve tried so f*cking hard not to fall in love with you.”
He moved in closer to me. Our chest pushed together with each heavy breath we took. Our eyes locked.
Noah’s voice became low and raspy. “I know you want me. I could tell the last time in your room how wet you were through your pajamas. You were so ready for me to slide into you. All I did was kiss your stomach and you almost came right in my arms…didn’t you?”
I startled when he yelled demanding an answer. “DIDN’T YOU?!”
I simply nodded. He stepped back away from me. He shook his head and chuckled humorlessly. “You always said I deserved better than you. Maybe you really thought it was you who deserved better than me, because I’m not perfect and you always have to have everything so f*cking perfect.”
“That’s not true. You are perfect, but I’m not. You deserve perfect.”
“And you think Brooke is perfect for me?”
“I don’t know. I just know that I’m not.”
“SHUT THE F*ck UP! I’m tired of hearing you say that. All these years I hated what you thought about yourself. I know you think Emily’s perfect. And I know you are constantly being compared to her. I put up with you pushing me away because I knew that. I was convinced you actually believed you weren’t good enough for me. I figured if I kept telling you how incredible you were and how much I loved you that one day you’d believe it and stop all this bullshit. You’re not a loser, Tweet. You’re a coward, because you just threw away the chance to be with someone who wanted to spend the rest of his life loving you.”
“Please don’t hate me. Once you calm down and have a chance to think clearly you’ll see this is for the best, right now.” My voice kept quivering, I barely got the words out.
He stood there for a moment, silent, with his hands on his hips, looking down at the ground. His voice was low and strained when he said, “Get the f*ck away from me.”
“Noah…”
He looked up at me. I gasped. The look on his face was of a broken and devastated person and I was the cause of it.
Looking me directly in the eye he slowly said, “Get. The. F*ck. Away. From. Me. Now.”
As I walked away from him I felt the life drain from my body. I hadn’t gotten very far when I heard repeated pounding and grunting. I turned and the last small piece of my heart died. Noah kicked and punched at our table before flipping it over, screaming, “MOTHER F*ckING…SELFISH…GODDAMN HER!”
I began to shake uncontrollably, bracing myself on a nearby tree. I raised a trembling hand to cover my mouth. I felt like I was about to be sick. I didn’t turn away from him, though. I deserved every bit of pain and hurt that came my way for what I had just done to the only boy who will ever have my heart. What I worried about the most happening between us had just come true…and it didn’t happen at all in the way my fears had imagined it. This was even worse.
We set limits for ourselves all the time. This imaginary line that you’re positive you won’t ever cross. An action that you are positive you would never do, no matter what. But what we don’t consider when we draw our line is a change in our situation.
An action that you were sure last week you wouldn’t do suddenly becomes a viable option this week because the situation has driven you to it.
Then you move your limit line and talk yourself into believing that this new line will never be crossed.
A man will take a stand and proclaim, “I would never lie to my wife.” But what if he maxes out their credit card because of his internet porn addiction?
The line gets moved.
I’m sure if you ask any mother or father they would not hesitate in harming or even killing someone who was about to do the same to their child.
The line gets moved.
A girl who is so consumed by the pain and empty ache of loneliness will be driven to do anything, no matter how degrading she thinks it is, because she wants to numb the chronic pain.
The line gets moved.
The line keeps moving and moving until one day you realize you’re limitless.
If you are being completely honest with yourself, there is absolutely nothing you wouldn’t do if the situation required you to cross another line.
My body, mind, and soul stopped functioning when I saw Noah flip our table over and kick the legs until they broke. The sight of him as he dropped to his knees was hard enough to watch, but when he picked up one of the broken wooden legs, and threw it full throttle into the air, I couldn’t take watching any longer, and turned my head away. I hated myself. How could I have done that to him? Glancing toward him one last time, I saw his shoulders begin to shake from sobbing and I was completely shattered.
Breaking up our friendship was only supposed to be temporary, but this didn’t feel temporary. This didn’t feel like the break we had last year. This felt permanent. He was done with all my excuses, all my insecurities, and all the times I gave into my desires only to pull away, again and again. Tonight was the last straw for him. Not only had I achieved my goal, I surpassed it. I didn’t just break up our friendship, I completely destroyed it. I had to hold on to the belief that this was the right thing to do for him otherwise I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
I turned and started walking away from the park. I had no idea where I was going. My body felt numb and my mind was blank. I was unconscious of how long I had been walking or the direction I had been going in.
When I finally stopped and looked up, it took several minutes for my mind to clear and recognize where I was. I saw my hand move toward the doorbell and push it. When the door opened, the light from the inside ran across my face causing me to squint. He stood there, wide-eyed, and in shock. I wasn’t positive, but I thought I saw a slight smile on his lips when he realized it was me.
“Amanda? What are you doing here?”
I didn’t know how to answer him. I wasn’t exactly sure what drew me here. I certainly didn’t make a conscious choice to come here.
I hadn’t talked to Brad since the day he humiliated me. By the look on his face, I could tell I had been standing there a while without answering his question.
“Are you alone?” My voice was weak and small. He eagerly looked back over his shoulder then back at me.
Quirking an eyebrow up and smiling he said, “No, but I can be. Just give me a second.”
Stepping back, he motioned for me to come in. My legs didn’t hesitate. I knew where I was and who I was with. This boy was responsible for my complete humiliation a few months ago. Maybe, subconsciously I knew Brad was what I deserved. I sure as hell didn’t deserve anything better than this douchebag.
I could hear the sound of muffled music coming from down the hall where the game room was located. Brad ushered me quickly into the kitchen.
“Wait here while I get rid of my…um…company.”
He walked out of the kitchen and disappeared down the hallway. The music stopped and muffled voices filled the air.
At one end of the kitchen there was a breakfast nook. I pushed myself in the corner of the nook as much as possible trying not to be seen. The feeling in my numb body started to return. The voices got louder and clearer the closer they came. As the numbness continued to wear off I could feel a heaviness in my chest that was making it hard to breathe. My fingers were cold while my palms started to get moist. I could feel the trickle of sweat rolling down my forehead. I was burning up. My body wasn’t the only thing coming back to life. I couldn’t stop the pictures of Noah’s pain from flashing across my mind. This wasn’t the time or the place to have my nervous breakdown. I had to get numb again. I needed an escape from my heartache.
When I thought this night couldn’t get any worse, I heard the syrupy sweet drawl that made me cringe.
“Where are we going? I thought you wanted to bend me over the pool table and …”
“Not tonight Brit. Something very important just came up.” Brad sounded eager and in a hurry to get her out the door.
“I bet I can make something important come up,” she said, laughing at herself.
Their voices got louder as if they were headed into the kitchen. I used the sleeve of my shirt to wipe the sweat away from my face and tried to calm my breathing down.
“Brittani, your cab will be here any second. You need to go wait for it outside,” Brad told her.
“I just want to get a bottle of water.”
Brittani stumbled into the kitchen and over to the refrigerator. Her back stayed facing me. She grabbed a bottle of water then leaned against the counter while she tilted her head back and drank. If either of us moved just a half an inch she’d discover me.
There were two ways into the kitchen, one from the hallway and the other from the dining room. The dining room was next to the living room and the living room was next to the front door. If she went through the dining room then she would walk straight out of here and not spot me.
She started toward the dining room. I let out a slow sigh of relief, and then suddenly she said, “I forgot my purse.”
She whipped around and saw me. It took her a few seconds to focus her eyes before realizing it was me standing in front of her.
“What the f*ck is she doing here? Is this the something important that just came up?” she snapped.
Brad simply shrugged his shoulders and gave her a cocky grin. “Brit, come on, your cab just drove up.”
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a large wad of cash, and shoved it at her. I couldn’t help but think this scene was a foreshadowing of her future career.
She grabbed the cash and took a few steps in my direction, all the while glaring at me.
“I don’t get it,” she said as she pointed her finger at me, making a zigzag motion in the air up and down my body. “Noah always wanted to get his dick in you and now you got Brad’s twitchin’.” She stumbled back slightly and chuckled. Looking at Brad she asked, “What is it about her? Does she have a magic vagina or something?”
“Okay Brit, it’s time for you to go.” Brad stepped toward her taking her elbow.
“I need my purse,” she said, shrugging out of his grasp.
“You have it already.” He pointed to the purse dangling at her hip. He then grabbed her arm a little more forcefully and tugged her out the door to the awaiting cab.
I knew I should get out of there, but I didn’t. I stayed right there in the kitchen, waiting for the douchebag to come back. How did I become this pathetic? I kept telling myself I just needed to be somewhere no one would find me.
Brad came back into the kitchen and landed right in front of me. His usual cocky expression covered his face.
“Your mom’s not home?” I asked.
“Nope. She has a new beau, so every second she’s not working on a case, she spends over at his place. I do believe the Mother of the Year Award will elude her again.” He paused for a moment. His eyes scanning my body like some wild animal sizing up his prey. “Are you okay?”
I took in a deep breath and simply nodded. He took another step, bringing him so close to me I could smell the scent of cinnamon coming off of him.
“Why are you here, Amanda?” he asked, in a low sultry voice.
Sheepishly looking up at him, I answered, “I didn’t have anywhere else to go. Can I stay here for a little while, please?”
“Sure. You want anything?” He had a look in his eye like he was ready to pounce on me.
“A drink would be good. Thanks.”
“What’s your pleasure? Besides my face between your legs, that is?”
I wanted to slap the smugness off his face. It was as if he knew why I had shown up on his doorstep. I still wasn’t completely sure why I came here. Before, if he had said something like that I would have laughed because I’d know he was teasing me, but now everything out of his mouth had slime all over it.
Amanda, have an ounce of self-respect and leave.
“Something strong would be great,” I said.
“I think I can give you something strong.”
He stood back allowing me to go first. I knew the game room was where they kept all the alcohol in the house. I entered the room and immediately noticed the bar crowded with various bottles of liquor, enough for an entire party. It must have all been for Brittani. Brad didn’t appear the slightest bit drunk. He sauntered behind the bar.
“What can I get you?” he asked.
“Anything. You choose.”
“Those are dangerous words, Beautiful.”
“Don’t call me that,” I snarled.
Climbing up on the barstool, I watched as he pulled a clean pitcher from behind the bar. Eyeing the measurements, he poured alcohol from several different bottles into it, occasionally glancing up at me. He threw some ice in a glass, poured a generous amount of the drink, and handed it to me. He then poured himself a glass and walked over to me.
“What is this?” I asked, glancing up at him.
“Long Island Iced Tea,” he said peering at me over the rim of his glass. “You want to go sit on the sofa?”
“Not really. This is fine.” I paused for a moment. “I’m sorry I ruined your evening.” I put as much sarcasm in my statement as possible.
He shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. Brit was only a three point five.” He was such an arrogant bastard.
“You’re disgusting.”
Smiling, he leaned in close to me and said, “But in a good way.” I rolled my eyes and took a gulp of my drink. “Amanda, are you going to tell me why you’re here? You look like you just lost your best friend. Speaking of best friends…Stewart won’t be looking for me tomorrow ready to kick my ass, will he?”
“You don’t have to worry about Noah anymore.”
I swiveled the chair around to the bar and poured myself another drink. I had downed the first one in record time. I wanted a buzz as soon as possible. I needed to feel numb again.
“Oh, is there trouble with Mr. Perfect?”
“Don’t talk about him.” Brad wasn’t good enough to even have Noah’s name cross over his lips.
I downed drink two just as fast as the first. I was feeling pretty buzzed, but my mind wouldn’t shut up.
I’m a horrible person and don’t deserve anything good and decent in my life. I deserve this disgusting human being in front of me.
“You might want to slow down with those. I don’t want to find another surprise in my trashcan like before,” he said.
I started laughing. “I was so busy having a nervous breakdown, I forgot to enjoy the thought of you finding my puke in your room. Tell me, do the girls usually throw up after you’ve f*cked them? Because if they do that doesn’t bode well for you, buddy roe.” I turned and poured myself another drink.
I hated Brad for what he had done to me, but somehow I was still attracted to him, drunk or not.
I was such a pathetic idiot.
He had on a pair of worn jeans that hung low on his narrow hips. They were ripped mid-thigh on both legs and just below his right knee. His t-shirt fit him like a glove. I had no trouble making out the details of his well-defined chest. He must have upped his workouts because he looked more chiseled than I remembered. The sleeves hugged the muscles of his toned arms, showing off how cut they were. The color was a deep coral which made his golden skin and hair stand out even more. Most guys wouldn’t be able to pull off that color, but Brad could. We stared at each other as I drained my third glass dry. The pain I felt when I first got here had subsided. Long Island Iced Tea was a miracle elixir. I went to pour another glass, but Brad grabbed my elbow. “I think you need to take a breather.”
“What a boy scout you are.” I swiveled back and forth a few times in the chair, glancing around the room. Brad’s eyes remained glued on me. “Sooo…you and Brit-ta-neee? You hit a dry spell or something, buddy?”
“What do you mean?” I could tell he was finding me amusing.
I leaned forward and loudly whispered, “She’s kind of a skank. Besides, you said she was only a three and a halfer.” I leaned back in my chair, laughing. “Even though you’re a vetter birgin. No wait, a better virgin. That’s not it either. You’re not a virgin. Oh well, whatever, you’re a Smurff*cker. What was I talking about? Hey! Why did you let me in if you and Skankzilla were just about to play pool?”
“I’ve missed you.” As if on cue, his trademark megawatt smile crept across his sexy face.
Yep, I had to admit it, Brad was a stack of hotcakes covered in sexy syrup and I wanted to fork him.
Brad is slime, but that’s what I deserve after what I did to Noah.
“Well, a three point five sure thing is better than the memory of a nine point seven five. And that’s all it will ever be with me, just a memory, Smurf fuc-kah.” I raised my hand in front of his face and snapped my fingers, showing him I meant business.
“I’m charming as hell, though. I’m sure I can persuade you to sit on my face for a while.”
“You make my skin crawl.”
“I’d like to crawl all over your skin.”
“Are you serious? Do you actually believe a girl would find that charming?”
Completely ignoring my question, he said, “Amanda, why did you come here?”
“I don’t know why.”
“Yes you do.”
“Enlighten me then,” I sneered at him.
“You and I aren’t that different, you know. Yeah, I used you to win a bet, but you used me too.”
“How the hell did I use you?”
“Who were you thinking of every time we hooked up and who are you trying to forget tonight?”
I stared at him, keeping my expression as neutral as I could. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was right.
“You used me as a stand-in for Mr. Perfect. I used you to make some cash and now you’re back for more. When I f*ck you tonight, I won’t be making a dime off of it. When you close your eyes as I’m sliding into you, whose face will you see? So, you tell me, which one of us is more disgusting?”
Brad leaned into me, sitting his glass down on the bar. He was so close I could feel the heat radiate off his body. He looked down at me. Reaching up, he tucked some of my stray hair behind my ear then his fingers slowly moved down, tracing the outline of my jaw and continued down my neck, stopping just short of my breasts. Lifting my lids, I was hypnotized by sapphire blue eyes.
His touch sent shivers down my body. How could I be so attracted to someone I despised, someone who was responsible for one of the worst days of my life?
Because he’s right, you’re no better than he is, Amanda.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I just wanted to feel numb and forget the overwhelming pain I was in and caused.
“So now that we’ve cleared the air. Why are you really here, Amanda?” Brad asked.
“I want you to make me forget,” I whispered. We were so close my lips brushed against his with each word.
“That wasn’t so hard to admit, was it? In fact, I’ll be happy to call you Tweet if it’ll help.” The sound of him saying my nickname made me sick.
Before Brad had a chance to say another word, I grabbed the back of his neck, pulled his lips to mine, sucking them in. I clawed at his shirt, silently begging him to take it off. He did. His hands wasted no time slipping underneath my skirt and finding my hips. Fingers dug into my skin as I wrapped my legs around his waist pulling him closer to me. Lifting me up, he carried me to the pool table and laid me on my back. I heard the sound of a zipper and then foil ripping. Grabbing behind my knees, Brad jerked me forward so that my hips sat right at the edge of the table. I felt his cold hands run up my legs. Before I knew it he had ripped my panties off and was pounding into me.
My head was fuzzy from the drinks, but I was extremely focused on what I was doing. I didn’t think about the past or the future. The only thing that mattered was this moment in time. There was relief in this moment. There was no guilt, heartbreak, or loneliness. I was able to escape all of that with a few drinks and a willing guy. I’ll deal with how ashamed I was about myself later.