“I can promise you that will never happen. You’re not a fucked-up mess and there’s no one better for me than you. Leaving you has never once even entered my mind. Nobody ever said love had to be easy and perfect, Blue. It just has to be real, and honest, and able to weather the storm. We have that. Anything else, we can work on together.”
He kisses me, then picks me up and carries me to the bedroom, where he does everything he said he wanted to do. I’m smothered with kisses and soft caresses and lulled with whispers and promises. I wish he truly knew just how special and loved he has always made me feel.
Chapter Forty-Nine
I’ve never been faced with so many decisions at once in my life. I’ve made lists of pros and cons. I’ve talked to Ditra until her eyes glazed over and rolled back in her head.
Blue and Reece have already put the wheels in motion to leave the band. That discussion took almost two months of fighting, negotiating, and debating with the other band members, their manager, and their record label for them to finally come to an agreement. They agreed they would finish out the few tour dates they had left for the year, and then No Tomorrow would dissolve. Blue and Reece would not be replaced. The guys, however, are open to working together again sometime in the future for a reunion.
I suppose it was a bittersweet decision for all of them. Freedom from No Tomorrow would open the door for new opportunities, but also would leave the door slightly ajar for them to still work together.
Blue agonized over his decision to leave the band. I’ve never seen him struggle like that before. When he decided to leave me years ago, I only saw and felt my own pain and suffering from his decision. I often wondered if what he did bothered him. Or did he just walk off without a care in the world, with an out-of-sight, out-of-mind attitude? But now I can see how much he really does care about the things that go on in his life, and how he affects others. He barely slept during the entire negotiation period. For hours he talked to me about how he worried the guys in the band would hate him. He worried that he was ruining their lives and killing their dreams. He was afraid the fans would turn on him. All very valid issues.
Several times I thought he was going to throw in the towel and stay with the band. Especially after witnessing all his mental anguish over what leaving the band would entail. The change in lifestyle and finances. The effect it would have on the others. Giving up the spotlight and walking away from the high of thousands of fans waiting in a crowd just to see and hear them—whether he ever wanted that or not. It’s a lot of change to take on, and years of work to walk away from.
But I’ve also seen the rare glimmer of hope and excitement in his eyes when he talks about the new life he wants to live. A quiet life as a family. He wants to write songs just for himself again—maybe produce an album of his own. I’m proud of him for wanting to chase his dreams and go back to the root of what he loves most about music. I admire the strength I see in him now and his unwillingness to make destructive choices as he used to in the past.
When he came to me with a smile and hug to tell me he’d made his final decision and would be letting the band go, I felt a mix of emotions. On one hand I was sad that he was letting go of a huge part of his life and success, but on the other hand I felt relief and happiness for our future together.
For the first time, we’re both on the same page and can plan a future together.
But now it’s my turn to make hard decisions.
Blue doesn’t want me to work anymore. He wants us to enjoy life together, maybe travel and take Lyric to see fun and beautiful places. We talked about trying for another baby in the future, when we both feel ready, and how amazing it would be for us both to be home to raise the baby together. The mere idea of seeing Blue with an infant in his arms, and witnessing his reaction to his baby’s first words and steps, makes me completely giddy.
Although my job can be stressful and not overly fulfilling, I’ve worked hard to climb the ladder at the office, so to speak. It’s taken me a long time to reach a salary where I’m not living paycheck to paycheck. Money won’t be an issue for us. His financial guy saved and invested his money for him, and he’ll receive sizeable royalties probably for the rest of his life that will keep us beyond comfortable. I’d much rather be spending my days with Blue and Lyric than sitting behind a desk. It’s hard to give up the independence I’ve worked so hard for, though. Giving up my job, my own income, and most likely my house, is a lot. Blue wants to support Lyric and me in every way possible, and that’ll be an entirely new way of life for us. I’ve always paid for everything myself. All the checks Blue has sent me over the years I immediately deposited in a savings account for Lyric. I still feel strange using the gold card he gave me months ago for anything and everything Lyric and I—and even the pets—need or want.
We also have to decide where we want to live. Here in New Hampshire? In Seattle? Someplace entirely new? I’ve lived in this town my entire life. My best friend lives right behind my house. That kind of comfort is going to be hard to give up.
Then there are wedding plans to figure out once Blue’s tour is over. Do I want a big fancy wedding? A destination wedding, maybe? Or something small and intimate?
My mind is boggled with all the option, questions, and decisions.
“Mom?”
I blink and stare at Lyric, who’s giggling at me.
“The green candies go in the front.”
I smile. “Oh. I see.”
Blue winks at me from the other side of the kitchen table. We’re building a gingerbread house—a huge one—completely from scratch. Blue and Lyric have been baking and gathering all the candies and other items for days. It’s our first family project and it’s had me silly with happiness. I’ve been slacking on my end of the project because I keep getting caught up in watching Blue and Lyric together. He’s so incredibly good with her. Sweet, nurturing, funny. I’ve never seen him look happier. He’s singing along with the Elvis Christmas album, and he looks hot as hell in a gray sweater that’s perfectly tight around his chest and shoulders, old worn jeans, and black fuzzy socks.
He leans across the table with a handful of candy canes in his hand and kisses me.
“What are you daydreaming about, beautiful?”
I beam at him as I make a candy walkway leading to the door of our gingerbread house. “You.”
“Mom!” Lyric teases. “Daydream about Blue later. We’re right in the middle of our house.”
Blue and I laugh at her. She loves to tease us about our public displays of affection and she pretends they bother her, but we both know that she actually thinks we’re cute. She’s at the cusp of starting to notice boys, so she notices anything romantic and lovey. Blue has set the bar high for any guy she might date when she’s older. Every Friday he brings each of us a bouquet of flowers, and once a month he surprises us with a random, but extremely thoughtful and unique gift. Not only does he make quality time for me, but also for Lyric. He spends hours talking to her, writing poetry with her, and playing guitar with her while she plays the harp. He even makes sure to spend time with Archie and Mickey by brushing them and playing with them. At least once a week the three of us take Mickey for a walk together.
“How are we going to eat this?” Lyric asks, standing back to admire the half-finished, three-story structure. We’re also decorating the inside so it looks more like an edible doll house than a gingerbread house. “It’s just too cool to eat. I want to save it.”
“Nah. It’ll get gross. I promise we’ll make one every year, okay?” Blue says. “There’re tons of different ones we can make.”
Excitement gleans in her eyes. We’ve never had a true Christmas tradition. I think Blue’s idea is perfect and something Lyric can enjoy with us as she gets older. Maybe even share with a younger sibling someday.