“We’re okay. I’m taking some time off work. I think it will be good for us to spend some quiet time together.”
Reece’s warnings have scared the hell out of me. I don’t want to have to treat Blue like an inmate. He’s my partner and my equal. He’s begged me to trust him and believe in him. If he senses I’m starting to doubt him, that’ll add to the stress he’s feeling over the band and the grief over losing our baby. I’m alarmed at how quickly he thought he lost me. At some point, I have to talk to him about that and figure out what was going through his head, and why he thought I would just leave him.
For now, I’m just going to do whatever I can to fill the next two weeks with as much love and calmness as I can.
Chapter Forty-Eight
Blue convinced me to tell Lyric about the baby, and once my head cleared, I realized he was right. She deserves to know that we lost a part of our family, no matter how young the baby was. We told her together the day after Blue arrived, and although she cried, she was amazingly understanding and sympathetic—showing mature concern for us that stretched well beyond her age.
Reece’s words about Blue trying to reach the baby’s soul have been haunting me, and I realize we all needed some kind of closure.
On Saturday morning, the three of us drive to a beautiful lookout point up in the mountains. Blue writes the baby’s name on a turquoise-colored balloon, and Lyric plays Somewhere Over the Rainbow on her harp as we watch Nicholas Von Bleu’s spirit gently float up to the sky and disappear. Blue stares at the sky with such an intense longing I fear he’s going to leap right into the clouds and try to follow that balloon.
Later that night after Lyric has gone to bed, Blue takes me out on the back porch, lights a few candles, and makes ice cream sundaes for both of us, insisting I let him do everything while I wait on the porch for him with Mickey.
“You don’t have to wait on me,” I protest when he sits next to me on the wicker loveseat and hands me a dish of vanilla ice cream with whipped cream, rainbow sprinkles, and butterscotch syrup.
“I need you to think of me as someone who can take care of you.”
“I do.”
His tongue piercing clicks against his spoon as he licks hot fudge off it.
My thighs tingle in response. I want him—need him— desperately, but it’s too soon for us to make love.
He shakes his head. “You feel like you have to take care of me. You’re always afraid I’m gonna have a meltdown or show up with coke on my face.”
I have never once imagined him doing coke.
“Blue, that’s not true.”
“It is. And ya know what? I don’t blame you. It’s my fault you have to worry about me. But I want to take care of you.”
“You do take care of me.”
“Not like I should be, and not like I want to. I don’t mean just financially. I want you to be able to count on me for everything.”
I wish he didn’t feel this way because I do believe he takes care of me. I don’t view him as weak or incapable. I just think sometimes he’s way too trapped in his own head with his thoughts and fears and dreams.
“When two people love each other, sometimes one has to be stronger than the other. It’s a tradeoff. There’s not a score card. It’s what love is about.”
“I know that, babe. And I’m lucky as fuck that you feel that way or else you probably would have kicked my ass out of your life for good.”
I lean closer to him and press my sticky sweet lips to his cheek.
“I could never do that. You’re too irresistible.”
A cocky grin crosses his face. “Yeah. Maybe I am,” he teases.
There’s no maybe. He definitely is.
“I’ve been doing some more thinking and I want to get out of the band,” he blurts out.
I swallow the ice cream in my mouth. “Really?” I have a love-hate feeling for No Tomorrow. On one hand, I’m so incredibly proud of Blue and the band’s raging success. He’s amazing and talented and just a god on stage. But on the other hand, I can see it’s slowly killing him. His heart is in songwriting and playing the guitar—not with fame and the rat race of being the front man of one of the most popular rock bands in the world. He told me a long time ago he wanted to be more heard and less seen and No Tomorrow flipped that on its ass. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t find a balance.
He nods. “Yeah. Really. I talked to Reece about it and he feels the same. He doesn’t want to do it anymore.”
“Are you kidding?” I certainly didn’t think Reece would be willing to walk.
“He’s got a lot going on. His ex has relinquished custody of their kid.”
“Relinquished custody?” I repeat. “What does that even mean? She’s the mother.”
He shrugs. “She doesn’t want to be any more, I guess. Something’s going on. I don’t ask questions, ya know? But he’s all fucked up over it and he doesn’t want someone else raising his kid.”
“I don’t blame him.” What kind of mother doesn’t want her own child? My heart feels sick just thinking about it.
“When we all meet up in Seattle we’re going to talk to our manager and the guys and figure something out. I don’t want to talk about all that shit now or I’ll get a fuckin’ headache.”
“Okay. We don’t have to talk about it. I just want you to be happy. That’s all I care about.”
He looks at me like I’m a big shiny object that holds the secret to world peace.
“I know, Ladybug. I’ve always known that. And it fucking kills me that I hurt you so much, and I missed so much of Lyric’s life, and I wasn’t here when you got pregnant or when you lost the baby, and you were here all the fuck alone and couldn’t find me because I can’t even be responsible enough to keep my fucking phone charged. How am I supposed to live with that?” His self-loathing is so strong he’s literally shaking and grinding his teeth.
I take his ice cream out of his hands and put both our dishes on the small table next to us.
“Blue,” I say softly. “None of this is your fault. You never hurt me on purpose. I know you’re… different and complicated.” He shakes his head and won’t meet my eyes but I don’t let that deter me from talking. “I love you more than anything in the world. I knew when we got back together that I would have to share you with millions of people. I knew right from the beginning, way back years ago, that we would never have a normal relationship. And you were always honest about that. But that never stopped me from loving you, or from wanting to spend my life with you. Even when things have been a mess, even when I’m scared, even when I don’t know what the heck is going on with you, I still can’t imagine my life without you.”
He looks up toward the sky and screws his eye shut. He lets out a deep breath and clenches his fingers into fists.
“Tonight I wanted to take care of you. I wanted to feed you ice cream and see your smile. Then I wanted to take you to be bed and kiss every inch of you until you fell asleep and I wanted to hug you all night and make sure you knew how much I love you and care about you and appreciate you. I just wanted to give you some kind of happiness and security and instead you’re worried about me. You’re always worried about me.”
“Because I love you.”
“I don’t want to be dead weight to you anymore. I want to be there for you like you’ve always been there for me. I don’t want to be the fucked-up, lost mess anymore who lets you down every fucking time. I don’t want you to wake up someday and wish you had someone better. That’s what I thought when I couldn’t find you. I was like finally, she came to her senses and left my fucked-up ass.”
My chest clenches from his words and the negative way he sees himself. I rub my hand up his arm, gently squeezing his bicep.