After we say goodbye, I change into my softest sweatpants and Blue’s T-shirt before crawling into bed to rest. Ditra will be picking up Lyric at school and keeping her overnight so I can have some alone time to get my head together.
I try to focus on as many of the positives as I can so I don’t get pulled under the wave of depression that’s looming at the edges of my mind and heart. Blue loves Lyric and me. He wouldn’t leave us. He probably just needed to think.
We’re all going to be okay.
Chapter Forty-Seven
“Baby, are you sick?” He kisses my forehead and strokes his thumb across my cheek. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
I moan and turn my head to the side, begging sleep to take me away again.
“Piper, open your eyes for me.”
I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling, my mind sluggish and groggy. The bedroom is dim, and a glance toward the windows reveals the sun is no longer shining.
When did it become night time?
“Hey….” His voice is soft and laced with worry.
“Blue?” Confused, I reach for him and my hand lands on his leg.
How can he be here if he’s in London?
He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses it. “I’m here.”
“How are you here? I couldn’t find you…” I move to sit up and a wave of dizziness slams my head back down on the pillow.
“I couldn’t find you either. I had a real bad feeling, so I jumped on a plane and here I am.” He leans down and kisses me softly. “I was really fuckin’ worried about you.”
“I was worried about you, too. Reece is looking for you.”
“Not anymore. I called him from a pay phone when I landed in Boston because my cell phone battery died yesterday. He said I had to talk to you right away.” He pushes his hair away from his face and looks at me intently. “What’s going on, Ladybug?”
“I can’t believe you’re here.” Tears leak from the corners of my eyes and drip down to my hairline.
“Where’s Lyric? Is she okay?”
“Yes. Ditra and Billy are taking her to a movie and she’s staying over at their house tonight.”
His brow creases. “Why’s she staying over there? They only live a few hundred feet away.”
I try to sit up again, and have to close my eyes for a moment to stop the room from spinning. He grabs my arms, and the worry on his face is tearing my heart up because I know it’s going to be a whole lot worse in a few moments.
“Piper, what’s going on? You’re scaring the shit out of me.”
I reach for his hand and lace our fingers tightly together.
“I have to tell you something. When you couldn’t get in touch with me yesterday I was actually in the hospital, and I—”
“You’re sick?” he asks, and his beautiful voice is already cracking with emotion and panic.
“No,” I say quickly. “No, I’m not sick. I really don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it, okay? Because I just don’t have the words…” His eyes are wild when he nods. “I had a miscarriage. I’m so sorry… I love you so much and I wanted this baby with all my heart…” Saying the words, and seeing the expression of pure shock and heartbreak on his face, is more than I can handle. I can’t hold back my tears for a second longer, and they stream down my cheeks like tiny rivers.
“There was a baby?” His dark blue eyes pool with tears and it’s like staring into two oceans of pure desolation.
I swallow hard over the suffocating lump in my throat. “I was twelve weeks pregnant. I kept waiting for you to come home to tell you. So I could tell you in person. I was so excited to tell you, Blue. I just wanted it to be special and not over the phone. I’m so sorry.”
“Baby, don’t be sorry.” He pulls me into his arms and hugs me so hard I lose my breath. “This is all my fault. I fucked up again.”
I bury my face into his chest. “No. It’s not your fault. The baby stopped growing weeks ago. Something must have just been...wrong.”
He shakes his head violently. “I should’ve been here for you and the baby. You were upset when I got stuck in London longer. I should’ve just fucking left. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”
“Please...” I whisper. “Don’t say that. Please. Just hug me.”
We hold onto each other and cry for our little unborn baby. My heart aches so much I’m afraid it may never stop hurting, and I can’t even imagine what he’s feeling.
This wasn’t supposed to happen this way.
“Are you okay?” His voice is raspy with pain. “Are you in pain? Tell me what I can do for you. Please. I don’t want to lose you, too.”
“I just need you to hug me, that’s all. I promise you I’m okay and you’re not going to lose me. Ever.”
He takes a deep breath and his entire body shudders when he exhales.
“Does Lyric know?”
“No. I don’t think we should tell her.”
“Will there be a funeral? To say goodbye?”
Oh, my sweet Blue...
“No,” I say softly, too brokenhearted to say any more.
“So that’s it? The baby’s just... gone?”
“I’m sorry.”
I can actually feel the sadness engulf him like a black wave. His body goes entirely still. His breathing slows and quiets to a point of almost non-existent.
I’m terrified of what this could do to him, and to us. What happens when both people fall apart? Who picks up the pieces and holds us together?
He says nothing else, and neither do I. Our desperate hold on each other speaks volumes.
I carefully untangle myself from Blue’s arms and climb out of bed. He’s fallen into a deep sleep, exhausted from traveling and emotional overload.
Archie trails me to the kitchen, reminding me to fill his dishes which are inadequately filled. I make myself a cup of tea and call Lyric. She sounds happy—telling me about the movie Ditra and Billy took her to see and how she’s been beating Billy at a video game. I decide I’ll tell her tomorrow that her father is here. If she knows he’s here now, she’ll want to run home and I feel like we need a night alone together.
With Mickey following me closely, I take the phone out on the back porch and call Reece.
“Hey,” he says. “I’ve been thinking about you two. Are you okay?”
“I think so. We’re both upset. He’s asleep right now, he’s exhausted.”
“How did he take it?”
“He’s devastated. He’s trying to blame himself. I told him it’s not his fault. To be honest I feel like it’s my fault. I’ve been stressed and upset…”
“Piper, stop. It’s not your fault. Or his. It’s just a horrible thing that happens in life.”
I sigh and run my hand over my stomach. The pain is still lingering—physically and emotionally.
“You’re going to have to keep an eye on him,” Reece warns.
“I always do.”
“More than usual. If he can’t handle this, he could start using again to escape. So watch for him being in the bathroom too long, running the shower, or taking off randomly, look for track marks, sniffling, changes in his eating and sleeping, mood swings. If he’s acting too calm, angry, or too happy. You hafta watch for all this shit. If you think something’s up, call me, okay?”
Holy crap. All of that behavior could also just be normal. How am I supposed to know if something is a red flag?
“Okay,” I agree, feeling overwhelmed.
“Blue’s the kind of guy that will climb to the top of a fuckin’ mountain to try to reach that baby’s soul, Piper. I know him. And I know this is even harder for you. It’s not fair you have to watch him like a hawk when you’re grieving, but it is what it is.”
“I’ll be okay,” I assure him with confidence I’m not actually feeling. “We both will.”
“The rest of us are leaving here tomorrow. We’re gonna take a break for two weeks and then we’ll meet up in Seattle. I’ll call Blue in a few days to see how he’s doing. Are you okay? And Lyric?”
I pet Mickey’s head, finding comfort in his soft fur and calm demeanor. This dog hardly ever leaves my side. He’s a little ball of love and devotion, just like Acorn.