“That’s really fucked up. I thought you loved me and now you tell me I’m not worth it? Fuckin’ great.”
“I do love you! You know I do. Why else would I keep trying with you? Who else would put up with this? The problem is you’re in love with getting high. You love drugs and alcohol more than you love me.”
“No.”
“It’s true! Every time you do this you know you’re going to lose me but you still do it. You just don’t care! You treat me like I’m disposable. You take advantage of me because you know I’ll always try again. You always have!”
“Fuck you, Piper. You don’t understand a fucking thing about me.”
His words are like a sword straight through my heart. I’ve tried so hard to understand him. I’ve tried to be patient and forgiving and it’s gotten me hurt over and over and over again. Even now, he’s so messed up I don’t even think he’s comprehending the gravity of this conversation at all.
“Ya know what? You’re right. I don’t understand you,” I cry. “And I’m sick to death of trying! I don’t want to do this with you anymore. You can go get high and get fucked up and destroy your life and your career, I don’t care anymore! I don’t want you to ever call me again. Do you hear me? I want you to get out of my life for good.”
“Piper....”
“Go to hell!”
I slam the phone down so hard the plastic handset cracks and a small piece flies across the room. Burying my face in my pillow, I cry harder than I’ve ever cried in my entire life. I cry until I can’t catch my breath and my ribs ache and my eyes swell and burn. I cry until there aren’t any more tears and I choke and shake with emptiness.
Why isn’t my love for him enough? Why does he need to get high? How can he tell me that all he wants is for us to be together and then turn around and throw it all away for something as meaningless as drugs and alcohol? It makes zero sense to me.
Like a zombie, I go into my bathroom and fill a small paper cup with water and slowly sip it while I stare at myself in the mirror. My reflection confirms I look exactly how I feel inside.
Broken. Exhausted. Hideous.
I’ve never said such ugly words to anyone, and I wish I could take them all back. This isn’t me. This isn’t me. I’m a good person. I don’t deserve to be treated this way and I hate how horribly I just treated the person I love most, because I don’t feel like he deserves it either. Something is just wrong.
I crawl back into my bed, but I can’t escape into sleep. My brain won’t rest, it keeps playing our conversation on repeat, dredging up more tears. My head pounds with intense pain and feels like it might explode. I go back into the bathroom and swallow three Ibuprofen and a decongestant. I put a cold cloth on my head, but nothing eases the pain in my head.
Or in my heart.
The morning sun filtering through my gauzy curtains does nothing to cheer me. Today isn’t a bright new day like the ones I woke up to when things were going so perfectly between us. Hours have passed since I hung up on him, and I truly thought he would have called and at least attempted to make things better. Isn’t that what he should be doing? Apologizing? And I’d apologize, too. I’d tell him how sorry I am and how much I love him. It’s true I don’t understand him. But I know him, and I’m sure he ran to whatever drugs he has as soon as he hung up the phone, to numb himself from all of this rather than face it. I guess the choice for him is never between me or getting high—his choice is always to escape.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
This month’s child support check came today with a folded note in the envelope. I recognize the thin paper—the same he writes all his notes on.
I don’t unfold it. I put the check in my wallet to take to the bank, and I take the note upstairs to my room.
Do I want to read it?
I’m not sure.
I could shove the note in a drawer and forget it.
I could rip it up and flush the tiny pieces.
Or I can open it and see what Blue has to say.
Of course that’s what I do.
Dear Piper, I’m trying to do what you asked and stay out of your life. I know that’s what’s best for you and Lyric. Everything you said is true. I’m not worth any part of you. I wish I was worth your love and care. I’ve never understood what you see in me. I’ve never understood why someone so beautiful and sweet would let me touch them. That’s why I can never keep my hands off you. Every touch of you is like a gift, something rare and precious I know I shouldn’t have. But I want it. I want you. I have from the first day I saw you in the park. You asked me what’s wrong with me, why do I wreck things, and the answer is I don’t know. Something is wrong with me or maybe this is just who I am and that makes this normal for me and there’s nothing wrong with me. Whatever it is, I fuck things up and I hurt you and I’m sorry. I know you don’t believe me but I never want to hurt you. I want to give you everything. I want to make you the happiest you’ve ever been. I don’t want to be your favorite regret or your worst memories. I want to be someone you and Lyric can be proud of. I’m trying. I promise you with every part of my heart and soul I’m trying so hard and I’m so tired but I’m not giving up. You be strong and I’ll be strong and someday, we’ll get this right.
Not a day goes by that I don’t ache for you and dream about you. I’d love to tell you to find someone to love you and be happy but I can’t do that, Ladybug. I’m selfish when it comes to you. You’re all I have and all I love and I can’t give you up. Try not to give me up, either.
I love you like no tomorrow, Blue
That familiar ache burns in my stomach and spreads up to my chest, then to my throat. All I want to do is call him and tell him how much I miss him. I want to tell him I don’t care if he drinks or does drugs or walks halfway across the planet. If we love each other this much, we should be together no matter what.
Maybe I’ve been too hard on him, expecting him to be some kind of perfect that doesn’t exist. Lots of people have addictions and they still have careers and relationships. If I’m patient with him, maybe we can find a way to overcome it and he’ll quit for good. It would be so much better than this. There’s no reason we can’t work this out together.
I grab my phone and dial his number.
“Mom?” Lyric pokes her head through the doorway. “Are we taking Acorn for his walk?”
And there it is, my adorable, sweet, world of reason.
Smiling, I press the end call button on the phone before Blue answers.
“I was just coming to get you,” I answer, folding the note back up and putting it in my nightstand with all the others I have saved over the years.
I hope you’re right, Blue, and someday we get this right. For all of us.
Chapter Thirty
Do you think you broke my heart, baby? Do you think I laid down and died?
You ripped my soul out, darlin’, did you think I didn’t care?
If you thought you knew me, take a look around
I don’t even know me, and I’m sick of the lies,
Sweet insanity, where the fuck have you been?
You know you’ve always been my best friend
You showed me heaven, baby, now I’ll show you hell.
I grip the steering wheel and Ditra leans forward and changes the radio station to something else.
“I’m so sick of his lyrical tantrums.” She sighs and puts her bare foot up on my dashboard. “He needs to get over it and get his shit together already.”