I want to tell him I didn’t have a choice, because he abandoned me with both of them. But I don’t, because I know he’s incapable of taking care of anyone—himself included.
“Well, I love them. So it’s easy.” I glance at the clock on my desk. “I hate to cut this short, but you caught me just as I was about to leave the office. I have to pick up Lyric at a friend’s house.”
“Can I call you tonight at home?”
“If you want to. But if you forget, I’m not going to call you.” We played that game last year. He’d email me and tell me he was going to call, and I’d sit and wait. And wait. I’d lose patience, give in, and call him and he’d either be out or inebriated in some way, and I’d feel like an idiot for waiting around for him.
“I won’t forget. I promise.”
I think about him as I drive across town. He sounded good today, like he did years ago. I know better than to get my hopes up, though, because we’ve been here before.
So many times.
As soon as Lyric’s in the car, I push Blue out of my mind to focus on her. I refuse to let him crawl back into my head and my heart and distract me from all the important things in my life.
I take Lyric to the diner for dinner. We have grilled cheese and share a milkshake while she tells me all about her day. Later, we put our pajamas on and sit in my bed watching Disney movies like we do every Friday night.
At ten-thirty my phone rings, and I pick it up before it wakes Lyric. She has fallen asleep beside me.
“Wow, you called,” I say, smiling with surprise.
“I’m trying to live up to my promises.”
“This is a good start.”
“How was your night?”
“The usual. I took Lyric to the diner, we took Acorn for a short walk, then we watched television. Exciting, huh?”
I wonder what rock stars do with their time. I doubt he sits around watching television.
“Honestly? It sounds nice.”
“It is nice,” I agree. “So what about you? Where are you now?”
“I got home last month.”
“I heard you did a tour in Europe?”
“Yeah, it was wild. The fans are crazy over there, they’re so passionate. And the food is fucking amazing. I got some new ink while I was there, I found a killer artist. I’ll send you pictures if you want to see.”
“I’d love to see.”
Lyric stirs next to me and pops her head up. “Mommy. Is that Gramma?”
“No, it’s a friend of mine.”
“Can I say hello?”
“Not tonight.”
“Wow. That’s her?” Blue asks.
“Yup. That’s her. Can you hold on for a few minutes while I take her to bed?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
I lay the phone on the nightstand. “Let’s get you in your bed, okay?”
“Can’t I sleep with you tonight?”
“Mommy’s going to be on the phone for a little while so you should sleep in your own bed.” I jump off the bed and hold my hand out to her. “Let’s go brush our teeth.”
It takes me fifteen minutes to get her ready and into her own bed, and it hurts my heart when she asks me again who I’m talking to. I tell her again it’s a friend. Not telling her who it really is feels like a betrayal, but I’m not ready to tell her about Blue yet. Lyric has never asked me where her father is, or who he is, but I know as she gets older she’ll be asking those questions. I have no idea how I’m going to tackle that.
“You still here?” I ask when I’m back in my bed with the phone.
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry that took so long.”
“It’s fine. I’m a little wacked hearing her voice for the first time.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Um... a lot of things. Surprised and sad, but glad, too. Her voice reminds me of yours, so soft and cute. Does she know anything about me?”
“I was just thinking about that actually. She doesn’t. She’s never asked. But she’s almost six now and sooner or later she’s going to have questions.”
“What are you going to tell her?”
“Honestly I don’t know. I’m just going to tell her you moved away. When she gets older I’ll tell her more. I guess someday you and I can figure something out together.”
“Okay. I’m not ready yet but someday.”
I hear him inhale and I hope it’s a cigarette and not a joint.
“Someday I’d like to get to know her. It’s up to you, though. I know I don’t deserve anything.”
“Blue, don’t say that. She’s your daughter and I want you to have a relationship with her, but as long as she’s under eighteen, I don’t feel comfortable with her being around you if you’re still partying. I won’t let you yo-yo her like you do to me.”
“Understood. And I agree. I’m not an idiot, I know I’m not good for her. But it’s on the list of things I want to work on.”
“You have a list?”
“A list of things I want to unfuck in my life.”
“Well, that’s a step forward, right? How’s it going so far?”
He laughs. “You tell me. You’re the first thing on my list.”
“I’d like to be flattered but that’s not really a compliment,” I tease. “Being on the top of your ‘things I fucked up’ list.”
“It’s a long list.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“All kidding aside, I fucked up with you the most. And I hate that, Piper, I really do. I keep wondering what would have happened if I’d stayed.”
A pang hits me in the chest. “Blue... let’s not talk about that. You’re trying. And I’m trying to let you try. So let’s not dwell on the bad stuff.”
“Deal.”
I pull the comforter up to my chest and get comfy against my pillows. “But… I do want you to tell me where you went that day you left. Did you go back home? To Jersey?”
“No. Don’t take this wrong, but I wanted to get as far away as possible. Not from you, but just... away. I can’t explain it. So I headed for the west coast. I had some friends back there, and it was warmer and I thought it’d be cool to play guitar by the water, ya know?” The sound of liquid pouring is in the background. “That’s iced tea, by the way,” he says, as if he’s reading my mind. “So I was making my way across the country and I ran into Reece at a bus terminal. I hadn’t seen him in a few years.”
“You knew him when you were younger, right?”
“We went to high school together. And we shared an apartment for a while. He was a kickass guitarist back then and we wanted to start a band but his bitch of a girlfriend at the time wouldn’t let him do shit. That’s when I said fuck it and I took off. When I ran into him at the terminal he was playing in a fucking wedding band and I was like dude, you’re too good for this shit, let’s start a band and rip this town up.”
“That’s how No Tomorrow started?”
“Yeah. The other guys had just come out of some sucky-ass band. We had a rocky start but somehow we got lucky and ended up here.”
“That’s pretty crazy. But wow, look at you guys now.”
“Yeah, look at me, fucking the band all up with my shit,” he says sarcastically.
“How’s all that going?” I’m almost afraid to ask. The press has been hard on him. Every detail captured, every one of his drunken tirades, fights with band members, and other seedy gossip plastered all over the tabloids and internet.
He blows out a breath. “It’s good and bad. None of us are saints, we’ve all had our moments. Mine of course have been way more frequent and disastrous. There’s some bad blood still flowing. We’re taking a break for a few weeks then we’re gonna hit the studio and work on some new material.”
“Every band goes through rough times, not just yours. And I’m not going to lie, you pissed off a ton of fans. I’m sure the rest of the band wasn’t happy about any of that. I saw the videos and read the articles. It was pretty bad, Blue. But... you’re trying to make it better, that’s what’s important now. You sound happy. It’s been a long time since you sounded so...normal.”
“Normal? Me? Never gonna happen, babe. But talking to you is the closest to happy I get.”
My defenses melt like butter. “It makes me happy, too.”
“I really fucking miss you. I know you’re so sick of my shit. And I know you probably wish I’d just leave you the fuck alone. I try to, but it never works.”
“No,” I say, cringing at how fast I said it. “That’s not what I want. I’ve never wanted that.”