He takes a deep breath. “You want to tell me what you do want?”
My ovaries scream his name. “No, I don’t.”
“It’s me, isn’t it,” he teases in his wicked, sexy voice.
I laugh, even though I don’t want to. “Ego much?”
“No, it’s not ego. Just wishful thinking.”
A moany sound of frustration comes out of me. It’s totally not fair that he does this to me.
“Fuck, baby if you keep making noises like that I’m gonna lose my mind over here.”
“You’re so bad, you know that?”
“I know. I also know it’s what draws you to me.”
I twirl my hair around my finger nervously—a childhood habit that Lyric has picked up as well. “Really? Is that what it is?”
“It’s part of it.”
“So what draws you to me, then?”
He exhales, and his voice is raspy with smoke when he answers. “Your innocence. How unconditionally caring and loyal you are. And your hot little body.”
“My innocence didn’t last too long once you came along.”
“It’s still there. A little tarnished, maybe.”
“By you.”
He hums on the other end of the line. “Only by me?”
I know what he’s asking, and I’m tempted to lie and let him believe I’ve been with other men. In a way, I want to knock him out of that place in my body he claimed and still owns. I know he likes it and it turns him on—to be the Highlander of my vagina, the only one. But I hate to play games and manipulate people’s emotions, so I tell him the truth.
“Yes, only by you. Happy now?”
“Very.”
“And you?” I really don’t want to know, but it’s human nature to ask questions. Even the ones I truly don’t want the answer to.
“I might’ve fucked a hole in the ground while I was walking around in the desert. I was pretty wasted and having all kinds of messed-up hallucinations.”
I laugh at him. “You’re an ass.”
“It’s true. But other than that, I’ve been having a great time fucking myself.”
“Can you be serious? I was honest with you, Blue. You can just tell me the truth.” Yes, I’m practically begging the man I love to tell me how many women he’s been with since the last time we were together.
“I swear to God I’m telling the truth. You want brutal honesty? I jerk off on one of the pictures you sent me and I come all over your face.”
I’m totally horrified but also strangely turned on. “Oh my God! Isn’t that messy?”
“Not really. I put it in one of those clear plastic sleeves. I bought a case of them so I just throw it out and put your picture in a new one every day.”
“You are so twisted. I can’t even tell if you’re kidding.”
He laughs with me, and it’s so good to hear him happy and joking, even if he’s being an ass. I can’t remember the last time he acted sexy and flirty with me, but I’ve missed this side of him.
“Ya know what, Piper? If you’re the one that’s got a hold on me? Then that’s it. I can go without sex if I have to. Maybe that makes me weird, I dunno. The way I look at it, I’ve always been too much of a fucked-up mess to give you any kind of normalcy, but I can give you my heart and I can give you my body. We’ve had a shit ton of ups and downs, but I’ve always believed that we’re not over. So no, there’s no one else.”
Hugging my comforter tighter to me, I lean my head into the phone and quietly sob. Life and love can be so cruel and beautiful and utterly confusing. This isn’t the love I dreamed of as a little girl. This isn’t the whirlwind romance I swooned over in books. There’s no sparkly ring, no wedding bells, no husband holding our baby in the delivery room. But what we have is a real love. It’s dark, and ugly; raw and passionate. It brings pain and it brings happiness and everything in between. This love—our love—is a love that never dies. It withers in the dark and comes back to life again under bright moments even stronger than it was before.
I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand. “For someone as fucked up as you are, sometimes you’re really kinda perfect, too.”
“I guess I have my rare moments...”
“You do.”
“You’re the only one that’s ever looked past the dirt to see the flowers, Ladybug. That’s why I can’t let you go.”
How does he somehow manage to say the right things?
“I really wish I could hug you right now,” I whisper.
He’s quiet on the other end, and I worry I’ve said too much and wrecked his good mood. But then he answers. “Maybe we can work on arranging that. I can’t promise I’ll let you go, though.”
God, I’m in trouble. He’s bulldozing his way right back into my heart again.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I feel like someone injected a rainbow up my butt. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt so happy, so hopeful, and so excited for each new day to start. I’ve started going to the park again, because now I can think about Blue, and I can visit our memories without falling apart. I can smile at the ghosts of our past that still linger under the old bridge, and not run away from them.
Four weeks of talking on the phone for hours every night coupled with pages of heartfelt emails has changed us. We’ve rebuilt our friendship, and are creeping toward more. I won’t jinx it by putting a label on what we are.
We video chat on the weekends, and he plays guitar and sings for me—all shirtless and sexy and swoony and I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet. One night after Lyric went to bed I put Acorn in front of the web cam so Blue could see him, and he started to cry. When Acorn heard his voice, he ran around in excited circles with his penguin in his mouth.
We’ve talked about spending a weekend together, and we’re figuring out what would be better—me flying to him, or him coming to see me. The best part, the most shocking part, is his new willingness to meet Lyric if things go well between us after a few months. If—and only if—he remains clean. The plan to meet Lyric was entirely his idea, which is huge. Huge!
I’m going to be very cautious with Lyric, though. Meeting her father will be confusing for her, and life changing. It’s a big commitment on Blue’s part that will require a lot of patience and I’m not sure he’s ready for all of that yet. In the meantime, I’ve slowly made Lyric aware that I’ve been talking to a ‘friend’ every night, to ease her into the idea of me having a man in my life other than Josh.
Tonight I make spaghetti and meatballs for dinner, and we eat together—Josh, Lyric, and I, which we try to do a few nights a week. Growing up, my parents always insisted we eat dinner together as a family every night. Now that I’m older I can look back and see how important that was—to have that stability with loved ones every day. I want to give Lyric the same.
After dinner Josh leaves for a date, Lyric works on a Lego castle she’s been building for the last week, and I do forty-five minutes of aerobics in front of the television. Before heading upstairs to shower, I check my email and see I have one from Blue.
Piper,
I feel like shit tonight. It’s just a headache but I’m gonna hit the sack early.
I hope you had a good day, beautiful.
I’ll call you tomorrow night.
Love,
Blue
I reply:
Blue,
I’m so sorry, I hope you feel better! Call me if you can’t sleep, I don’t mind if you wake me.
I miss you bunches and love you always.
Kisses,
me
“I missed you last night. Do you feel better today?”
“My head is still fuckin’ rocking. I missed you, too, babe.”
“I wish you didn’t still get these headaches.”
“Me too. They’re gettin’ old. Tomorrow I’m going to look into flights, if you’re still okay with coming here? You can meet the guys, see where I live. We’ll go out to eat, look at the local sheds. All that happy stuff.”
I laugh at his shed joke. “I’m totally fine with that. Except the shed part.”