I almost laugh. I have a much bigger and better reminder of him in the form of a tiny person with his same soulful eyes.
“What did happen, Blue? I thought we were happy. We had such a nice time that night.”
“We did. It was one of the best nights of my life. Every second of us together is burned into my memory.”
I stare at our hands, at his thumb caressing my knuckles. “I don’t understand. Was it the apartment? Did it scare you? Did you think I was going to try to force you to move in? Give you an ultimatum? I wasn’t going to. I was willing to accept the way you wanted to live.”
“I know that.”
Patiently, I wait for him to give me more of an answer. I refuse to keep prodding at him and making myself appear desperate. Even though I am—I’m absolutely desperate for an explanation, something to make me understand. The air is thick between us; the silence expands like a balloon about to burst. The waitress brings us water and he asks her for a few more minutes. Our hands are still clasped, resting against the unopened laminated menus.
“You wanted things I couldn’t give you. You deserved things I had no way to give.”
“Did I want to live together in my nice apartment? Yes. Of course I did. I wanted you out of the shed and in a nice, warm bed. I wanted you to have a bathroom and a closet of clean clothes. I wanted you to have a kitchen full of things to eat and drink. I wanted us to be able to sit on the couch and watch movies. I’m not going to lie; of course I wanted all of those things—that life—for both of us. Together.”
He nods, and now it’s his turn to fixate on our hands.
“But if given the choice,” I continue. “I would much rather have you in my life, than to lose you. None of those things were worth losing you over. Not to me.”
“You felt that way then, Piper. But in time you would’ve changed your mind.”
I honestly don’t think I ever would have changed my mind.
“Neither one of us knows that. Maybe I would have, maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe you would have changed in time, Blue. Did you ever think of that? Look at you now. When you walked out my door you were a homeless street musician with a couple bucks in your pocket and a lost dog. You had nothing. Now five years later you’re in one of the most popular bands in the country. A lot has changed, and you obviously did something to make that happen, and I don’t understand why we couldn’t have stayed together while all this was going on. I never would have held you back, I—”
His head snaps up. “Is that what you thought I was?”
I furrow my eyebrows together. “What?”
“A homeless, penniless musician with a stray dog?”
I shrug uncomfortably. “I guess so. Yes. But it didn’t matter to me. I loved you for who you were, and how you made me feel.”
“I never would have dragged you along on the ride to get here, Piper. You had a great job, a nice place to live, you were settling down. You had a direction.”
“So?”
“And I didn’t. I was a fucking tumbleweed, a twisted-up mess of dirt and weeds bouncing around in the wind.”
“That’s a pretty harsh analogy.”
“It’s the truth. I couldn’t be still, Piper. I know it sucks and I know it makes me a huge fucking douchebag. But at least I loved you and Acorn enough to know you were both much better off without me. And I guess it made me feel good, knowing you two were together. I knew you’d take care of him.”
“I did. I still am. He’s the best dog in the world.” Acorn has taken care of me, too. He stayed with me on the bathroom floor when I suffered with morning sickness. He snuggled up on the bed with me when I cried myself to sleep every night. And he’s been the perfect guardian and furry best friend to Lyric.
“He’s okay?” he asks with a lilt of hesitation in his voice.
“He’s great. Still dragging his penguin around.”
Relief rides out of him on a long breath. “I’m glad. And you?”
“I’m good. Still at the same company, still living in the same town. Still have Archie. Still reading a book a week.”
My heart blips when he winks at me. “And obviously listening to much better music.”
Now. Now is the time to tell him about our daughter.
I pull my hand from his and take a quick sip of water. The glass is thick and heavy, damp with moisture, and it almost slips from my trembling hand. He takes it from me and places it back down on the cork coaster.
“Blue, I have to tell—”
“You ready to order? The kitchen is closing soon.”
God. Flo is back, with her pad and pen in hand, with the worst timing ever in the history of time.
“How ’bout two cheeseburgers with fries?” Blue suggests, looking at me exactly the way Lyric does when she’s excited about something. “Like we used to?”
I smile up at the waitress. “Two cheeseburgers and fries would be perfect.”
“You got it.” She scribbles on her notepad before scooping up our menus and walking away.
“I miss it here,” he says wistfully. “New England.”
“Where do you live now?”
“Still here and there and everywhere, only different now. Mostly in buses and planes and hotels. When we’re not traveling, I share a condo with Reece in Seattle.”
I’m relieved to hear he’s in an actual residence and not living in a garage or in a cave of bats, but I was hoping he lived closer and not so far away.
“I’m so proud of you, Blue. Seeing you tonight on that stage, in front of all those people, was incredible. I always knew you were talented, but you’ve completely blown me away. It’s just... wild.”
“I guess.”
“Are you happy?”
“No.”
His answer surprises me and I tilt my head at him like a curious cat. “But why? You’re living a dream.”
“Someone else’s dream. Not mine.”
“Then what’s your dream?”
He straightens the salt and pepper dispensers. Then he lines the bottles of ketchup and steak sauce perfectly next to the salt and pepper before he answers. “Being free. Flying like a bird. Not literally... but being weightless. Soaring above all the noise and the crazy. Gliding away from the storm.”
“Can’t you do that? I’m assuming you have the money now to go on relaxing vacations... or to pay people to handle stressful stuff for you?”
“I wish it was that easy.”
“Are you enjoying it at all? Writing songs, bringing them to life for millions of people to love? You had the entire audience under your spell tonight.”
“That part, yeah. It’s all about the music and the words for me, you know that. It’s the other crap, the never-ending circus of bullshit I can’t stand.”
“I guess that sort of comes with the territory?”
“Yup.”
Our food arrives and we eat in silence for a few minutes before he puts his burger down and looks up at me.
“I didn’t want to hurt you, Piper,” he says. “Back then....”
Swallowing my food, I nod. I know his words are true. I may not understand him, but I believe him.
His steely cobalt eyes practically hypnotize me. “I meant what I wrote in the note. You’re in my veins. You’re what makes me tick. You’ve heard the songs. You know I’m not getting over you.”
I sway under his gaze and the weight of his words. Words I’ve waited for and wished for, for what feels like forever. Words that feed my starving heart.
“Do you want to?” I ask.
“No, babe. I really fucking don’t.”
The sound of my heartbeat whooshes in my ears. My voice comes out just an octave above a whisper. “Good. I don’t want you to.”
A silent agreement passes between us. It’s not spoken, but I heard it. I felt it. We didn’t read the fine print, we didn’t take time to think it over, we just signed on the dotted line with our hearts and our desires and the deal was done.
Chapter Twenty-Two
One minute I’m eating a hamburger and fries and the next I’m walking down a long corridor toward Blue’s hotel room with my hand tightly clasped in his. The zig-zag pattern of the carpet makes me dizzier and dizzier with each step.