“I don’t know what to think.”
“Maybe there’s nothing to think. You met a messed-up guy living a messed-up life, you did some messed-up things, he left in a messed-up way, you had a kid, and somehow he ended up where he is now and you’re living in this messed-up situation with me and everyone seems pretty happy.”
God. It sounds all sorts of crazy when it’s spelled out. “It’s all messed up,” I say.
“Is it? Or is everything the way it’s supposed to be right now?”
“I don’t know, Josh. I need some closure, I think. You don’t understand, he just left. I didn’t get to say goodbye, I didn’t get to ask why. One minute we were having the best night of our lives and the next he was gone. Then he leaves me a note years later that makes me even more confused. And now this! I find out he’s a damn rock star? I need to talk to him. I need answers. And he needs to know he has a daughter.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want? What if he wants to meet her? Do you want to bring this guy into Lyric’s life? Think of how confused she’ll be.”
His reservations are valid. Josh has been very protective of Lyric since we moved in and he took on the role Uncle Josh, and I love that he cares for her so much. He’s been an amazing male figure in her life—especially since my father still barely speaks to me—but I can’t keep Lyric a secret from her biological father if there’s a way I can get in touch with him. He has a right to know he has a child, and if he wants to be part of her life, that’s a bridge I’ll have to think about crossing.
“Blue might be a little strange and difficult, but he’s always been nice, and caring, in his own ways. I know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt Lyric. I think he would love her.”
“Really? Like he loved you and his dog?”
I glare at him. “Don’t be a jerk. I think he was just really confused at the time.”
“Nobody understands being confused more than I do, but he handled it like a first-class douche. I don’t want you or Lyric getting hurt. I don’t care who the hell he is.”
“It doesn’t matter to me who or what he is now. I still love him. And I believe he loves me,” I say softly. “I saw the concert schedule on their website. They’re going to be playing in Boston in two months, and I think I have to find a way to see him while he’s there so we can talk.”
He shakes his head. “Being in love with this guy has had your head fucked up for years. I don’t think talking is going to do a damn thing or get you what you want. If I were you, I’d hire a lawyer, get a paternity test done for proof, and sue for child support. He’s obviously got some money now.”
Even after all this time, I know Blue would never question paternity. He would believe me with zero doubt. And besides, Lyric looks way too much like him for anyone to ever deny that she’s his.
“Josh, really? Money is the last thing I want from him. You know I’m not like that.”
He rubs the back of his neck in frustration. “All right,” he sighs. “This goes against my better judgment, but one of the photographers I’ve worked with does a ton of band photography. Let me get in touch with him and see if he’s got any connections to get you in front of this guy.”
I perk up with renewed hope. “You’d do that for me?”
“I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try.”
I jump up and throw my arms around him. “Thank you. You’re the best.”
“Don’t thank me yet.” He pulls away and rests his hands on my shoulders. “Your makeup is a mess. Why don’t you go take a bath and I’ll pick up Lyric. I have to run some errands anyway.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, it’s no problem. I think you should regroup before Lyric gets home. You know she can tell when you’re upset about something.”
He’s right—Lyric is very empathetic for a child. She dials right into the emotions of people and animals around her and wants to make everyone feel better. It’s one of the many things I love so much about her.
The bath was supposed to relax me, but I sabotaged that by bringing the CD with me. I slid out the cover, which unfolded to show tiny printed lyrics and credits. On the last section of the foldout each of the band members included a short acknowledgement or dedication, and I read Blue’s last:
For Piper, keeper of my heart, you’ll always be my ladybug. Don’t give up baby, I took a walk, but I didn’t run away.
Chapter Twenty-One
The past two months have been a mix of both warp speed and dragging time. I haven’t been sleeping or eating well, and my focus at work has once again been lacking. My brain is either too tired to function or my train of thought is constantly derailed with thoughts of Blue. I’ve been listening to his music practically non-stop, analyzing the lyrics, trying to decipher what they mean and wondering if they’re a key to his feelings or just random words thrown together for the sake of a good song. I’m exhausted, and I’m disappointed in myself for getting so distracted with him again. I should be above this by now, shouldn’t I? I’m older and more mature. I’m stable. I’m professional—most of the time. I’m a mother.
But damn, when it comes to Blue, I always short-circuit. As unsettling as that is, it’s also undeniably exciting.
“Why can’t I go with you, Mommy?” Lyric asks. She’s perched on the bathroom vanity watching me put mascara on. She’s obsessed with makeup lately and loves to put on lip gloss and eye shadow. I have to watch her or she’ll make herself up when I’m not looking.
“Ditra and I are going to a concert, and it’s just for grownups. But you’re going to stay home with Uncle Josh and watch movies and eat popcorn and have lots of fun, okay?”
“Can I have ice cream, too?”
“You can have one scoop.” How can I say no when she’s inherited her ice cream addiction from me? I throw my mascara back into my makeup bag and plant a kiss on her nose just as Ditra appears in my bathroom doorway.
“Are you almost ready?” she asks. “We don’t want to be late. It’ll be a nightmare to find a parking spot.”
Taking a deep breath, I nod and exhale. “Yeah, I think I am.”
She picks up Lyric and settles her down on the floor, and we watch her happily skip off, most likely to find Josh downstairs.
“You look like you’re going to be sick,” Ditra says.
“I feel like I’m going to be sick.”
Ever since Blue walked out of my apartment years ago I’ve daydreamed about seeing him again, and now that day is here. Josh pulled some strings to get VIP meet-and-greet tickets to the No Tomorrow live acoustic show in Boston tonight. With any luck, I’ll be in the same room with Blue for the first time in five years. I’ve never been backstage at a concert before, but hopefully we’ll be able to talk somewhat privately.
Unless he runs when he sees me. Or pretends he doesn’t know who I am. Or…
“Piper?”
I shake my head and re-focus on Ditra. “Hm?”
“Stop freaking out. You’re going to be fine.”
“What if he ignores me? He might be too busy to even talk to me. He has fans now and I’m just a nobody.”
She tilts her head. “Seriously? He mentioned you by name in the CD credits. He left a note in your car. The dude isn’t going to ignore you once you’re right in front of him. Plus, you look drop-dead gorgeous. There’s no way in hell he’s going to blow you off. And if he does? I’ll throat punch him.”
“What if he goes ballistic when I tell him about Lyric? There’s going to be lots of other people there, right? I don’t want to cause any kind of scene.”