I didn’t respond to her next message until the next day at 10:13 A.M. I definitely intentionally waited so as not to come off as overeager. And I specifically remember running a draft by a friend and rewriting it several times before sending it off. (The hokey pokey cookie is a reference to a cookie that her restaurant made, one that she knew I loved.)
Today I know for a fact that my waiting did indeed cause some uneasiness. She told me that she felt I must have somehow been offended by the “how funny are you?” comment. But the same night she was waiting, she got word that I’d asked a friend of hers if she was in fact single, so she knew all was well.
Still, the waiting did have an effect. She told me that she was really excited when I wrote back the next morning.
The early messages are interesting to look back on, because they reveal so much about our mind-sets at the time. Both of us were anxious about the texts we were crafting, but we were oblivious to the fact that we were in the same boat.
As things progressed in the relationship (and in our messages), she talked about how much it meant to her when I sent some early loving texts saying that I missed her or was thinking about her. When I read them, it took me back through all the excitement and fun we’d had during those times.
So although these new tools may cause us all stress and angst in the early parts of a relationship, the same technology has also given us all a new place to store, remember, and share our love for each other, and I’m glad we have it.
Don’t think of online dating as dating—think of it as an online introduction service.
Online dating has probably been the single biggest game changer in the hunt for your soul mate. Remember: Between 2005 and 2012 one-third of all the couples who got married in the United States met on the Internet. By the time this book is out, that number undoubtedly will be higher and some new app or site will make Tinder or whatever is currently popular seem outdated.
Many online daters we spoke with were having success, but many were also frustrated and fed up with the scene altogether. However, most of the ones who were fed up seemed to be spending more time in front of their screens than in front of their dates in real life.
Online dating works best as a forum where you can meet people whom you’d never otherwise be able to meet. It’s the ultimate way to expand the search beyond the neighborhood.
The key is to get off the screen and meet these people. Don’t spend your nights in endless exchanges with strangers. Communicate with people you have some chance of liking, then, after a few messages—enough to figure out if there’s something really, really wrong with them—just ask them out.
After a certain point, if you’re still trading endless back-and-forth messages online, you’re just wasting time. Have faith in your ability to size someone up in person.
The allure of online dating and its vast supply of potential dates can make staying in and clicking through profiles in your pajamas seem like a better option than heading out to a crowded bar or restaurant, but let’s not forget another great source of potential mates—the real world.
Remember Arpan, the dude who was so burned out on online dating? We contacted him about a year after the focus group to see whether he was still meeting women online and taking them to the bowling alley (just for drinks, of course).
We were delighted to hear that his whole love life had taken a turn for the better. He had met someone special and been dating her for a few months, and he seemed genuinely happy, with way more energy than he had shown that sad Sunday morning with us.
Arpan met his new lady in real life, but he credited his online dating experiences with helping him meet new people. He explained that all those unanswered messages had reduced his fear of rejection and made him less apprehensive about approaching women.
He met his girlfriend at a bar, after seeing her at a distance and working up the courage to introduce himself. “I walked towards her group, said hello to all of her friends, looked this girl straight in the eye and said, ‘I saw you from across the room and I just had to say hello.’” It was heartwarming to learn that Arpan had turned things around since we’d first met him, and it was fascinating to hear him trace his success in real-world romance to the things he learned while dating online.
With so many romantic options, instead of trying to explore them all, make sure you properly invest in people and give them a fair chance before moving on to the next one.