One woman wrote:
I’m a girl who lives in the U.S. and my boyfriend lives in Wales. I would say we sext at least once a week. When it’s a long distance relationship like that, and we have to go 2-3 months without seeing one another, I think it’s almost a necessity. I want to keep him interested and excited. Since we had only been together a short time before he went to Wales, we hadn’t really discussed our likes/dislikes in the bedroom. But through sexting we were able to express that and get it all out in the open. So the next time we see each other we will already know the others’ desires. If you asked me a year ago, I would’ve felt “dirty” if I was sexting, but now I’m totally for it in a relationship.
Another user explained:
I think in general it would be much harder to maintain an exclusive long distance relationship without the technology in general. Just being able to communicate on gchat or via text during the day and actually see each others faces while we talk every night is a pretty necessary part to maintaining our intimacy and our relationship. The sexting is just a nice way to spice things up without actually being present.
The conclusion was clear: Without sexting, these relationships would be much harder to maintain and might not even last. Sexting provided an effective way of coping with a well-established and often heartbreaking dilemma: how to love someone when they are very far away.
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The same technology that affords us the luxury and privacy to share these intimate moments is also, sadly, what allows us to betray our partner’s trust on a massive scale.
The main reason people give for why they don’t sext is that they’re afraid of being exposed. One woman reported, “I’ve never sexted and I don’t think I ever will. The thought of it seems hot and exciting, but the possible consequences are terrifying. If the relationship goes south and he’s still in possession of the pictures, then who knows where they’d end up. It just looks like an avoidable, unnecessary situation.”
We did hear some nightmare stories that would confirm this view of sexting. One woman who was initially reluctant to sext tells us what happened when she gave in:
My boyfriend wanted to, I was uncomfortable with the idea but he begged and dropped the “if you love me you will” line. Said some stuff back and forth. I wasn’t really sure what to say. He asked for a picture of me fingering myself. I obliged, then started getting texts from random numbers calling me things like “nasty slut.” Turns out he was at a party, passing his phone around and showing people what I sent. Utterly humiliating. That was years ago, and I haven’t sent another sext since.
Sending a photo to someone who could turn around and be pure human garbage, like the person above, is a widespread fear. And, although in theory everyone could be exposed this way, in reality the risks affect women in a very different way from men.
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In 2014 private nude photos of various female celebrities leaked onto the Internet after hackers posted them on the 4chan website.* The images were clearly meant for these women’s partners and were never to be shared. While the hackers who stole the photos were condemned, the women who had their photos stolen were scolded too, for being reckless. “Don’t want your nude photos leaked? Don’t take any!” went a typical response. Taking naked photos of yourself with your iPhone, the argument went, was indulgent, vain, and immature. The implication was that regular, sexually healthy people do not sext, despite the abundance of evidence to the contrary. Of course, not everyone agreed with this narrative, but it was still a popular argument.
The fear of this kind of condemnation was another reason people gave for not sexting, but many of the younger women we heard from believe that the prevalence of sexting is already changing the perceptions of these risks. One twenty-four-year-old told us that she sees something empowering in her sexting and has decided that, if her nudes were leaked, she wouldn’t be judged for it.