On the subreddit we asked people how they felt about the new ways of breaking up. A lot of people who responded acknowledged that they’d broken up with their partners via text or social media to avoid stress and conflict. One woman explained: “I didn’t have to look at his face or hear his voice, so I could be completely honest with him. He was a sweet guy but I wanted to move on.”
What’s interesting here—but also kind of scary—is that she’s saying texting allowed her to be more honest, because she didn’t feel compelled to sugarcoat the reasons she was ending things. Maybe texting means we’ll stop giving those nonsensical “It’s not you, it’s me” messages and become more direct instead.
At the same time, most stories seemed to paint a picture of someone who was using modern messaging to avoid confrontation rather than further honesty. This included many people who broke up in this fashion in relationships that were far beyond the casual point. Several users shared stories like this:
It was a normal day. I was supposed to meet the guy I had been seeing for two years for brunch. I drove to the place and he wasn’t there. I called him an excessive amount of times to no answer. I went home. I got on Facebook and there he was on Facebook chat. He says, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about us and I keep going back and forth on whether or not I want to be with you :/” And that was it.
I was overall surprised and couldn’t believe that was the way he decided to end it, even know [sic] I had seen him the day before and was supposed to see him that day as well. I did make him call me to clarify the situation after this, which made it worse of course. Haven’t spoken to him since for obvious reasons.
It was brutal to read. After two years the relationship was ended with a “:/,” not even a fully fleshed-out emoji. There were many more stories like this, with passive-aggressive nonbreakups that actually ended things way more obnoxiously, and painfully, than a face-to-face conversation.
Ending things by changing their status on social media without telling their partner is another way people break up these days. One woman told us: “In college my boyfriend broke up with me by changing his Facebook status to single. We got back together six years later, and then he broke up with me over text message. I should probably stop dating him.” If you start dating him again and he says he needs to stop by the “blimp place,” maybe brace yourself to read bad news in the sky.
This one is astounding because of the depth of the relationship that preceded the breakup text:
Back in June of 2012 when I was 43, my boyfriend broke up w/me via a text message after being together for 8 years! I practically raised his daughter, and had been totally committed to him [and] everything that came w/him. I was really offended and hurt as I felt that I at least deserved to be broken up with in person or at least on the phone!
Apparently the wound didn’t run too deep, though, because look what happened next:
After 10 months of no contact, his uncle passed away [and] I called him [and] left a message w/my condolences. We finally talked after that [and] eventually got back together. I still love him completely [and] have forgiven him for how things went down. And you best believe I gave him hell for the text! :-)
No offense, but at this point let’s take a moment to be thankful we are neither of the people in that relationship.
When I discussed this topic with people from my generation, they were shocked to learn that so many people were breaking up in this fashion. The younger generation has taken another idea that seemed bizarre and made it into a norm. Is it that surprising, though? If you subscribe to Sherry Turkle’s argument that the prevalence of text-based communications is leading to a decline in face-to-face conversations and the skills to conduct them, the shift makes total sense.
EXES LIVE ON IN THE PHONE WORLD
For those getting out of relationships, especially for the jilted, social media also presents an easy outlet to reconnect with past loves. We heard many stories of former flames who reconnected over flirty Gchat or Facebook messages and wound up cheating on their new partners.
But even if it didn’t lead to cheating, having to see their former love’s presence on social media was tough for the jilted. “It makes it harder to let go,” one person told us. “Even if you are one of those unicorns that can leave a relationship with friendly feelings and a clean break, your self-control is tested when all you have to do is click a button to see how they are living their lives without you.”