“No, you’re not. You’re clean now, you beat it.”
“The shit I’ve done over the years.” For a moment his eyes closed tight. Then he went back to studying my foot, reshuffling the cold wet ice pack. “All the things she said to me … she was right. I’ll never be clean, not really. Always be an addict at heart.”
“Jimmy, that’s just not true. You know it’s not. You did the work, you got clean.” I knew a little about people saying stuff, wounding you with words. The scars lingered a long, long time.
His lips were thin and white.
“Have you ever told anyone?”
A sharp short shake of his head. “No.”
“You can trust me, you know? I’m not going to turn on you or think less of you, that’s never going to happen.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
I cocked my head. “Did you just call me a liar?”
He pushed back his hair (finally), eyes wary. The man was in no rush to speak because he kept me waiting a long time.
“Well?” I prompted.
“This is one of those traps women use. No matter what I say you’re gonna chew my ass out over it.”
“I’m just asking for a little faith from you.” I stared back at him every bit as carefully as he was at me. “Whatever that woman said to you is utter and complete bullshit, Jimmy. You know that. So why are you still letting it live inside of you?”
He gently rubbed the palm of his hand against the flat of my foot. “Break something badly enough, there’s no point trying to fix it.”
“That’s what you tell yourself?”
“That’s the truth.”
“Hey, no. It isn’t.” I reached out, grabbing hold of his arm. Through the fine fabric of his shirt his muscles were strained, his skin hot. For over twenty years, he’d been carrying around all this pain and anger, self-hatred. The two people responsible for loving and caring for him when he was small and defenseless had failed him miserably. Little wonder he was so defensive, he’d been taught to expect attack, to trust no one.
“You are a good person, Jimmy. You’re a good man.”
“Lena.” He stared at my hand.
“She doesn’t know who you are today. I do. So who are you going to believe?”
His mouth opened and I waited some more.
Yes, he was talking to me but I needed more, I needed an in with him. The pain he carried around had to end. Few deserved freedom from their past as much as Jimmy did. He’d worked so hard, turned his entire life around.
His jaw shifted and maybe, just maybe this time …
Someone rapped at the door, the same one I’d so utterly failed to break down. Of course they did, fuck the universe and all it entailed. Though honestly, what were the chances Jimmy would ever take that final step and trust me?
Unlikely.
No, I couldn’t afford to think like that. I had to get through to him.
A neat middle-aged woman with short dark hair strode in, bag in hand. David followed behind her, gaze shifting between me and his brother with open curiosity. “This is Courtney. She’s here to check out Lena’s foot.”
“That was fast.” The doctor. Crap. My stupid ankle had ruined everything. I really needed to not try storming the castle by beating up innocent doors, in future. But if I hadn’t, if I’d just been content to sit outside, locked out, Jimmy wouldn’t have told me as much as he had. I’m certain some distance had been covered. Exactly what it meant, I wasn’t quite sure.
Jimmy lifted my leg off his lap, slipping out from underneath it. “She tried to kick the door down.”
Dr. Courtney’s eyes cut to me.
I shrugged. “I had something I had to say to him. He wouldn’t open it.”
She instantly turned judgey eyes onto Jimmy. Yay for the sisterhood!
“It wasn’t my fault,” he said, pouting.
“I’ve been called to lots of lover’s tiffs over the years, but this is a new one,” the Doctor said.
“Oh, we’re not involved,” I said.
The good Doctor snorted and got busy feeling up my foot. Ever so not very carefully, she twisted and turned it, this way and that. I yowled and winced as needed. Finally, she pronounced the verdict of a sprained ankle. I declined any meds for the pain, not wanting them in the house. So, over-the-counter ibuprofen was diagnosed to stop the swelling and a highly fashionable boot thing would be arriving within the hour. At least this would get me out of jogging. Go silver lining on that grey cloud.
She informed Jimmy he’d be sent a bill and left.
“You’re going to have to carry me up and down the stairs,” I said, trying to keep the smile off my face. “You’ll basically be my slave boy.”
Jimmy sighed, handing me a glass of water so I could throw back two of the horse-sized pills. At least I seemed to have taken his mind off his mother. I would have preferred a method not involving me sustaining bodily damage, but there you go.
“I’ll probably need a bell I can ring when I need you,” I said.
“I don’t fucking think so.”
“You want me hollering through the house?”
“Seeing as you do that already, it’s not like it’ll be a big change” he said. “Guess you won’t be leaving anytime soon. And you did it all to yourself.”
I gave him a dirty look.
David wandered in and cleared his throat. “Hey. You two are obviously okay for now, so we’ll all get out of your way.”
“Right,” said Jimmy. “Sorry about dinner …”
“Jim.” His brother chided, grabbing hold of his shoulder then pulling him in for one of those back thumping hugs. After a moment, Jimmy patted him stiffly in return a couple of times. A major move forward, frankly.
I couldn’t help but smile with approval.
The two brothers spoke in muted voices for a moment and I did my best not to listen. Then David approached, laying a hand on my head in benediction or something. “Take it easy, Lena.”
“Will do.”
His smile was one of great warmth. “Look out for him.”
“That’s what I’m here for.”
“I’ll tell the others to catch up with you later. ’Night.”
I got the distinct impression Jimmy and I were being left alone for reasons leading toward the romantic, by the youngest of the Ferris clan at least. His friends and family had perhaps gotten ideas about us. Oh well. The Stage Dive crew could think what they liked of the current status of Jimmy’s and my overly complicated relationship. It was beyond my control.
On the other side of the room, Jimmy leaned against the wall, watching me through hooded eyes. “How’d Dean take you running out on him?”
“I don’t know, probably not well.” To be honest, I’d given it no thought, but the odds were, Dean and I were done. I lay back against Jimmy’s bed, my foot propped on pillows. “Your bed’s more comfortable than mine.”
“Is it?”
“I’m just going to snooze here for a while.” Wounded people were allowed to push their luck. Everyone knew that. “Wake me when the boot arrives, slave.”
He said nothing, just watched as I made myself at home on his bed.
“This mattress is bigger than some small European countries.” I dragged my coat out from underneath me. A delicate procedure that involved much wiggling. My shirt rode up and I tugged it back down over my belly. “Say something, you’re making me feel awkward.”
“Why would you feel awkward, Lena? Just because you’re rolling around on my bed.”
“You could sit back down again and talk to me.” I patted the mattress beside me in a friendly, inviting manner.