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Curtains swayed in the front window. Someone was snooping. For a man of reasonable intelligence, Jimmy Ferris hadn’t been acting particularly rational of late. Of course, my own actions where he was concerned were nothing to boast about.
Reece waited until I’d opened the front door to drive away and I stood in the cold, watching until his taillights disappeared from view. Date two over and done. Go team Lena. We’d had a nice enough night, but we wouldn’t be doing it again. Funnily enough, sharing tales of unrequited love and rebuffed offerings of one’s heart did not lift the spirits. Ignoring such things worked better, I think. If ever I’d been tempted to throw my no-alcohol rule to the wind, tonight was the night. But I hadn’t. I don’t know, it sort of seemed as if I was on this journey with Jimmy and neither of us could afford to fail. Silly but true. Alcoholism was not my burden to bear, and symbolically, I couldn’t lighten his load, I couldn’t do shit..
“You can come out.” I shut the door, put my coat and purse on the side-table. “I know you’re there … lurking.”
“It’s my house. I can lurk where I want.” He appeared out of the darkness that was the living room, black clothes blending into the shadows. “And don’t just dump your stuff there, take it up to your room.”
“Yes, sir.”
“How was your night?”
I smothered a yawn. “Okay. Yours?”
One shoulder rose and fell. “Watched some TV.”
“Mm.” I picked my belongings back up again. So ridiculous, only Jimmy would have furniture and not let people use it. Like a perfect appearance made more sense than actually utilizing something as per its designed purpose. The man was plain ludicrous. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“That’s it?”
With one foot on the step, I paused. “I arrived home in one piece thereby disproving the axe murderer theory and removing the need for you to replace me just yet. What else do you need from me?”
“Did you not have an okay time?”
“The movie was fun. Lots of explosions.”
“Get along with him all right?”
“Sure, he’s a nice guy. He’s in love with Anne though so not prime dating material.”
“Oh.” Face contemplative, he came up beside me, leaning on the railing. He hadn’t shaved today and the urge to run my fingers over the prickle of his stubble seemed insurmountable. My fingers dug deep into the leather of my purse, fighting for control. Everything about him called to me, the guarded but curious look in his eyes, his rarely seen softer side.
Maybe if his mom hadn’t messed him up when he was a kid he’d have been different, less world weary and damaged, more open. Or maybe if I was more super-model, less cute and cuddly. What would it take, how many changes would have to be made for him to see me differently? Because he stood less than two feet away from me but it felt like forever. My heart broke ever so slowly and I felt every piece of it shatter and fall.
Nothing I could do about it, not a single damn thing.
I fixed a tired smile to my face. “It was still an okay night.”
“Does Anne know?” he asked.
“I doubt it or she wouldn’t have suggested I go out with him.”
“True.”
“I don’t really think we should say anything either.”
His brows rose. “Why not? Wouldn’t she want some warning?”
“He’s harboring feelings for her, Jimmy, not planning a surprise attack. It’s not our secret to share and it’s not like it’s going to change anything.” I hugged my coat and bag to my chest. “Reece doesn’t stand a chance. She’s just not interested in him that way. He’s been friend zoned and he knows it.”
The poor schmuck.
“I don’t know if I’d feel right not telling Mal,” he said.
“I think it would only cause trouble. Though honestly Mal probably already knows. It’s not like Reece is particularly effective at hiding it.”
He stared over my shoulder at the wall. “Stupid of him, hanging onto a thing for Anne when he hasn’t got a chance.”
“Who ever said the heart was smart or that it followed directions?”
Jimmy just shook his head. “That’s fucking dumb. He needs to wise up and get over it. It’s pathetic, no wonder Anne doesn’t want him.”
And I just kind of needed to walk away before resorting to violence. This conversation was doing my head in. “Wow. Those are wise words indeed.”
The man’s eyes flashed in sudden understanding. “I don’t mean that you … ah, well obviously you’re not in the same category as him.”
“No?”
“No, of course not.” He put his hands on his hips, then changed his mind and linked them behind his head. All the while looking at me like I was just one small step away from the loony bin. At least we’d moved on from him laughing at my feelings.
“I mean, hello! Different situation entirely,” he said.
“That’s a relief.”
“Yeah, you haven’t realized yet that it would never work out between us.” He looked up at me and I could almost see the cogs and wheels desperately working overtime in his head.
“Talk me through it, Jimmy.”
I’m reasonably certain sweat broke out on his forehead. “Well, do I look like the kind of guy who takes relationships, seriously? No, I’m a player.”
I cocked my head. “Except you’re not, you don’t have sex at all these days.”
“True. But when I do, I’m not the kind that goes back for round two. Been there, done that. It’s like they said at dinner, I don’t pretend I’m interested in more.” He wrapped his hands around the railing, holding on tight. “And they shouldn’t be either. I’m a hell of a bad bet, Lena. Fucked up home life, reformed addict. I mean shit, my issues have issues. I don’t want any of that. I just wanna be left alone, you know?”
“If you want to be left alone, then why don’t you want me to leave?”
“This I can handle. We give each other shit, there’s some give-and-take. It’s good. But I can’t do more. I just can’t.” His voice held such absolute heartbreaking certainty.
“How do you know if you’ve never tried?”
“No.” He looked up at me from beneath dark brows, fingers white, he held onto the railing so tight. “There’s too much to lose.”
I just stared at him stunned. “I think that’s probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”
He pinned his lips shut, apparently not happy with the news.
So much information whirling around inside my head. I needed time to make sense of it all, to figure him out. Things were changing again, I could feel it, but I didn’t quite understand how yet. The situation was as complicated as the man.
“Anyhoo, I don’t think I’ll keep dating people,” I said, sucking in my stomach. “Let’s just concentrate on the other stuff. If anything can convince me you’re a monster, the jogging alone should do it.”
“Lena, you need to keep dating.” Little wrinkles appeared beside his eyes, his jaw tightened. “The next one’ll be better. It’ll be fun, I promise.”
“I don’t think god wants me to date. The signs have been quite clear.”
“One more,” he said, voice dropping to a highly persuasive rumble. “C’mon, just give it one more go then I’ll drop it, I promise.”
“I don’t know …”
“Please? See, I used my manners.”
“That’s great.”
“Lena …”
“All right, one more then that’s it. And I do have a condition. Next date, you’re banished to downstairs. You don’t meet him and you sure as hell don’t interrogate him. In fact, I don’t even want to see you. I catch sight of you, its home on the sofa all night watching TV. No excuses. No ifs, buts, or maybes. Do we have a deal?”
His jaw tensed, shifting beneath his skin. “All right. And the next date’ll be better, you won’t regret it.”
I already did.