“Can I take the ’Cuda?”
“Not a fucking chance.”
I grinned. “You wound my soul, Jimmy Ferris.”
He just watched me, fussing with my hair in the entryway mirror.
“What are you doing tonight?” I asked.
His shoulders and arms flexed, straining the thin cotton of his T. “Haven’t decided.”
Something in his voice made me pause, a hint of loneliness or a certain sadness I hadn’t heard before. The man seemed almost verging upon despondent. Cranky and grumpy were normal, this was not.
“None of the guys are coming back?” I asked. “You didn’t want to go hang out with them?”
“They’ve been here working all day. We’ll be in each other’s faces all the damn time on tour. No need to start now.”
I didn’t like it, but it did make sense. “No game on? I won’t be here to complain about the unendurable monotony of it, for once.”
“Not really in the mood for TV.”
“What are you going to do, then?”
He groaned. “I’m a grown man, Lena. I can entertain myself.”
“I know you can.” I hugged my coat and bag in front of me. “But I’m trusting you to tell me if you need me around tonight.”
“I do not need you around.”
I hesitated while cold eyes watched me.
“Keys are in the car,” he said.
The situation got me to thinking about what would happen to Jimmy if I did leave. No matter how many icicles he made with his gaze, he wasn’t frozen inside, he just liked to pretend as much. But I’d seen his pain and his self-doubt. Perhaps what Ev said earlier had stuck with me. Allowances had to be made for keeping him on track. I needed to think ahead, see to his best interests. Love came in all sorts of shapes and sizes, but if it wasn’t based upon doing what was right for the one you loved, then what was it worth, really?
Nothing.
And that’s what my feelings for him were growing into, love. No matter how scary it was, there was a certain calm to be found in facing the truth. It might or might not have been fated, but it was fast becoming fact.
“I think you should date too,” I said, the words small and tight. It’s a wonder I could find them at all.
“What?”
“I think you need to start dating again for both our sakes. Just think about it.”
He sniffed. “I’m doing fine as I am. It’s a dumb idea.”
“Holing up here, hiding from the world? That’s not a long-term solution.”
“No, you’re right Lena.” He slapped his hands together, rubbing them briskly. “I know, let’s go to my favorite bar and hang out for a while. We’ll do a couple of shots for old time’s sake and then I can pick up a girl or two, bring them back here to play. Sounds fun, yeah? I think we’d all have a real good time.”
I had nothing to offer on his suggestion.
“What, you don’t like that idea?”
Change of plans. What I most wanted for Christmas was to wipe the stupid smirk off his face. No one else drove me this crazy. “If you’re finished being an asshole, I’ll explain what I meant,” I said.
“Oh, please do.”
“I think you need more,” I said, my voice emphatic. “You need friends outside of me and the band.”
“So I’d be dating to make you feel better?”
“No, Jimmy.” I bundled my coat up against my chest like a shield. “You’d be dating because you’re ready. Because you’re a wonderful man who has a lot to offer a woman when you’re not being a complete and utter bastard like now.”
He gave me a slow clap. “That was beautiful, Lena. Like poetry. I think I almost cried.”
“What even is it when you get like this? Are you scared? Is it your turn to PMS, what is it exactly? Do you need a hug?” I crossed the floor between us. “Because I’m trying to understand what motivates this shit with you. But at the end of the day, you’re a grown man in control of himself and you’re choosing to act like an absolute prick and you’re pushing away people that care for you in the process. Explain that to me.”
“It’s a gift.”
“Try again.” I towered over his seated form in my heels, furious. The man was damn lucky there were no weapons to hand. Then slowly he stood, the solid length of him almost forcing me to take a step back. Except I refused to. “Well?”
The edge of his mouth curled up. “You never back down, do you?”
“Why the hell would I?”
There almost seemed to be a hint of gray in his eyes. Like he’d seen too much, like it had aged him in ways. His voice softened. “So fearless.”
“No, I just refuse to be afraid of you,” I said. “I think too many people over the years have gotten into the habit of scurrying off to do your bidding out of fear of being the target of your snide comments, or at the merest hint of that famous Ferris anger. It’s bullshit. I will not be like that with you. You’re not an overtired toddler throwing a tantrum, you are an adult. You can control yourself if you choose to. And it’s about time you chose to.”
His just stared at me, face expressionless.
“Well?”
He raised his hand and ever so carefully, lifted a strand of my hair, tucking it behind my ear. Then he bent in close enough for his lips to brush my ear, his breath warm. “You’re right, I was an asshole to you just now.”
“I know,” I whispered back.
The smile was in his eyes even if it was missing from his mouth. He studied my face, taking his time. “You never have to be afraid of me. I’d never hurt you.”
“I know that too.” Not on purpose he wouldn’t. Never on purpose.
“Go on. Go on your date, Lena.”
My chin rose. “Think about what I said.”
He exhaled then gave me a begrudging nod. “Deal.”