CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Tenleigh
I stood there unmoving after Kyland walked out the library door. I wasn't sure what to think . . . what to feel. What was I doing? What were we doing? Was I really even entertaining the possibility of starting something with Kyland again? Was I really willing to put myself in a position to start loving him again? Had I ever really stopped? Had I really just stripped my pants off and had intense sex with him up against the library wall? I groaned and brought one hand to my forehead. I didn't know what to do.
The door to the library opened and Jamie walked in. "Hey, you okay? You look sick."
I groaned softly. "I think I am. Unfortunately, there's no medication for my ailment."
"I hear heroin shuts out the pain."
"Simmer down, pillbilly. I'm not on the road to illegal self-medicating just yet. However, the operative word is yet."
"Well, you let me know. I hang on the corner of Gutter and Skinsores."
I laughed softly.
He came over to where I was standing and leaned against the shelf. "Kyland? I saw him leaving."
"Yeah," I breathed, staring straight ahead. After a minute I turned to him. "I just can't go through what I went through after he broke my heart," I said. "And I don't know if I trust him not to pull away from me again. Things are," I frowned and bit my lip, "I don't even know exactly. I feel like he's not telling me something." There had been a shadow over his expression, a shortness to his answers when I'd questioned him about the mine . . . I snapped back to the present, to what I'd been saying. "And if that's the case, how can I start anything with him again?"
"Yeah, but if you don't try, you'll never know."
"Maybe that's for the best."
"Maybe." He shrugged. "You're the only one who can make that call."
"I was kinda hoping you'd just tell me what to do."
Jamie chuckled. "I'm the last one you should ask for advice. Unless it involves how to cope with parents who believe you were born with an embarrassing, inoperable 'condition.' Then I'm a font of wisdom."
My heart hurt for him. I put my hand on his shoulder. "Is your mama still giving you the silent treatment?"
"Yeah." He looked crushed. "I expected it from my dad. We never saw eye to eye on anything—never had much of a relationship. It's not like I ever had his approval. I certainly didn't expect him to embrace this. But my mama, we always stuck together. I just thought maybe . . . I hoped . . ." His words died.
"I know, Jamie. I'm sorry."
"My dad is such a fucking asshole, in so many ways, you only have some idea." He looked over at me quickly and then away, his lips becoming a thin line. "The way he treated your mama, that's how he treats his workers, his family, everyone—a means to an end."
"I never thought about that before I knew you," I said. "I guess I kind of always thought he treated us like trash because that's what he thought of us—that we were in some separate category for him."
He shook his head. "No. I was worried about how he acted when he came to give you that scholarship. I was worried about how you must have felt to have him in your home . . . again." His eyes darted to me and away, finally resting on the wall in front of him. He felt the shame his father never had. Jamie.
"It's okay. He didn't come to me personally. The whole school was there."
He looked confused for a second. "Oh. He usually went in person to the recipient’s home and gave it to him or her before making the announcement in school." He looked thoughtful for a second. "Maybe he actually does have a tiny smidge of decorum, deciding not to come to your trailer in person."
"Huh. Maybe. Anyway, that's all ancient history." I tilted my head. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah, of course."
I chewed on my bottom lip for a second. "Have you seen Kyland at the mine? I mean, does he seem okay, like he's okay going below ground? He was so evasive about it."
"I don't spend too much time with the underground miners to be honest. But I've heard word around the company that he's pretty impressive. Apparently, he's been successful in putting some new safety measures in place, not that he'd ever get the credit. But the guys talk. He's well liked among the other miners."
"Have you been down there before?"
"God, no." He shivered. "I couldn't do it."
I nodded, still frowning. How do you do it, Kyland? How do you go down there into your own personal hell, day after day after day?
I do, every day. For you.
For me . . .
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of trucks arriving outside.
"Well," Jamie said, standing up. "I'm off. Give me a call later, or come by and see me."
"Corner of Gutter and Skinsores?"
"Right." He winked.
I laughed. "Thanks for stopping by."
After Jamie left, I took another minute to look around the small space, closing my eyes and breathing in the dusty smell for the final time. When I was ready, I walked outside, closing that door behind me.
**********
I sat down at the bar next to Marlo and she looked forlornly over at me. "Whoa. What's up with you?"
"Sam, that's what's up with me."