“Josh?”
Then, the smile I’m used to, the one that says I’m Josh Lewenthal and the world is here to amuse me appears on his face. And for some reason, when I see it, my heart starts to break.
He bends down, picks up his shirt and puts it on. Puts on his shoes. All the while the smile remains.
He sends it my way, full wattage turned on.
“I’m happy for you, Gemma. Really happy. But I don’t think we can be friends.”
The room tilts, and I watch, unable to say anything as he grabs his coat and puts it on. Then he opens the door to leave. Before he steps out he turns to me. “Do you mind if I tell my dad? I’d really like him to know and he won’t be around long enough to tell anyone else.”
I wrap my arms around myself and nod. “Of course,” I whisper. “Of course.”
“Thanks, Gem. See you around.”
I want to tell him to stop, to stay, to…I don’t know. What? I don’t know. I don’t know what to say. I’ve made a mess of everything.
Josh gives me a final nod and then he shuts the door with a quiet snick.
I kneel down on the hard floor and listen as his footsteps fade.
I press my hand to my abdomen, but instead of making me feel better, for some reason, I feel infinitely worse.
25
I walk into the pink uterus room for our Thursday fertility meeting. I have a paper bag of hot beignets and a tray of egg creams for everyone. It’s a celebration after all.
My most longed-for dream came has finally come true. I’m going to be a mom.
Just like Ian always said, anything is possible if you put your mind to it.
Thanks to modern science and Josh Lewenthal, I finally get to meet my baby.
A spot in the center of my chest starts to ache. It’s the same place that hurts every time I think about Josh.
But I’m not worried, there’s always a bright side, always a positive, always a silver lining. I just have to wait and the universe will bring good things.
“Hey everybody, I brought beignets,” I call.
Everyone is already here. Hannah has on a long, flowy cotton dress. She’s trying to give Brook a pink crystal bracelet. Brook is in a business suit, a pack of cigarettes in her shirt pocket, and she’s adamantly shaking her head no. Carly watches them both with an amused expression.
When I wave the bag of beignets and the cinnamon sugar smell wafts in front of me, Brook and Hannah stop arguing.
“Beignets and chocolate egg creams,” Brook says in a matter-of-fact voice. “That means the transfer failed. Comfort food.”
Carly tilts her head. She looks tired, and her eyes have shadows beneath them, but her lips quirk into a smile. “For once, you’re wrong. Beignets are for celebrations.”
“Really?” Hannah asks.
Before I can say yes or no, Hannah jumps up. “Don’t tell us, don’t tell us. I’ve been dying to try this pregnancy test where you pee on an onion and if it turns purple then you’re pregnant.” She starts rooting around in her handbag.
“You have an onion in your purse? Specifically for peeing on?” Brook asks. She looks appalled but also slightly impressed.
I walk to the circle of folding chairs and set down the tray of drinks. I hold the bag of beignets out to Carly. I remember last time she devoured them.
“Thank you darling,” she says. She reaches into the bag and pulls out the warm, sugar-covered doughy treat.
I sit down into the folding chair and it creaks beneath my weight. The fluorescent lights overhead buzz and I breathe in the musty smell of old cardboard and dusty basement as I wait for Hannah to finish looking through her purse.
Finally, Hannah yells, “Aha!” She triumphantly holds a wrinkled yellow onion in the air.
Gross.
“I’m not peeing on that.”
Hannah frowns and lowers the onion to her lap. “Really? Not even a little?”
I shake my head. “There’s no bathroom down here.”
“So you’ll go upstairs?”
“Errr. No.”
Hannah sighs and puts the onion back into the depths of her bulky purse. Brook looks over the handbag with interest.
“You know,” she says, “I could really use a bag like that. What else you got in there? Could it hold some bricks?”
Hannah gives Brook a surprised look. “Maybe three or four. Why?”
Brook has a thoughtful gleam in her eye. “That bag is like the clown car of purses.”
“Ladies, have you forgotten? Gemma has news.” Carly says, then she dabs her lips with a napkin and reaches for another beignet.
All three women turn to me.
I try to hold back my smile but I can’t. “I’m pregnant.”
Hannah jumps up and rushes to me. She pulls me to my feet and gives me a huge hug. “I’m so happy for you. So happy.”
I hug her back. “Thank you.” But my heart squeezes a bit, because I hear Josh’s voice saying I’m happy for you, Gemma. Really happy.
“Hang on,” Hannah says. She hurries back to her chair. “I have a bracelet for a healthy pregnancy in my purse. I’ve been saving it, but you can wear it.”
While Hannah digs around in her handbag, Brook and Carly stand.
Carly gives me a swift hug and kisses me on both cheeks.
Then Brook pulls me in for a quick hug, and when she steps back I think that she’s embarrassed to have shown so much emotion.
“So, you’re pregnant. Knocked up. Bun in the oven. Congratulations,” Brook says. She looks back at Hannah and Carly. “How did the FF take it? And that Ian guy?”
“He’s not an FF,” I say automatically.
Then Hannah bounces up and holds out a bracelet full of different colored crystal beads. “Here it is. There’s amethyst, quartz, moonstone, garnet, aquamarine. They prevent miscarriage, balance hormones, ease tension, prevent heartburn, soothe stress—”
“And bring world peace,” Brook says.
Hannah rolls her eyes. “Here you go.”
“Thank you,” I take the cold bead bracelet and slip it onto my wrist. “That’s really thoughtful.”
We sit down and pass around the drinks and the beignets. I take a bite and savor the taste of cinnamon and sugar.