My beautiful son, I love you. I hope that your married life is full of wonder and laughter and love. You deserve all of that and more. Please know that I am very proud of the man you have become. I know that even now, even as you are still a boy. I know it because of the potential that I already see in your eyes.
Pax, don’t be upset that I’m gone. I believe in heaven, in a wonderful place full of forgiveness and love, and because of that, I know that I will see you again someday. Until that day, may your wife keep you happy and safe and loved.
All my love,
Forever,
Your mother
My tears drip onto the fragile paper and I yank it away. I can’t ruin this letter. It has to be put away and saved, so that our children can read it someday.
Love never fails.
It is a sentiment that has become a pledge for Pax and me. In fact, it is inscribed in our weddings rings that we will exchange today. And in this most perfect of letters, his mom has echoed that thought. His mother, the woman who gave her life to protect her son because she loved him that much.
And I do too.
I recognize that truth as I put the letter away and adjust my veil in the mirror. I love Pax more than life itself. Like his mother, I would protect him with my life. Wherever Susanna Tate is, I hope she knows that.
“Are you okay?” Madison asks quietly as I wipe away the little smudge under my eye. I nod.
“I’m fine. It’s just beautiful. I hope that I live up to her expectations of me.”
Madison smiles and adjusts my dress. “Of course you will. You’re amazing, just like she said you would be.”
Warmth wells up in me and as I’m hugging my sister, Tony sticks his head in the door. He’s wearing a tux…to walk me down the aisle in lieu of my dad.
“Are you ready?” he asks as he holds out his elbow.
I nod and Madison kneels to gather my long, white train.
Of course I’m ready.
I’ve never been more ready.
As we position ourselves in the back of the church, the church that I have seen so many times in my dreams, I am filled with hope and boundless joy. This church that housed my parents’ funeral is also hosting my wedding, illustrating once again that life is full of all kinds of good and bad. Pax and I have been through it all and we’ll continue to go through it, because that’s how life works.
I stare at Pax and suddenly, I am filled with peace. Like his mother before me, he is my peace now.
His eyes meet mine and he smiles, beautiful and radiant in the morning sunshine as he waits for me at the front. He’s so handsome, so tall and strong, that it takes my breath away.
I take a breath.
The music starts.
Each step that I take brings me closer to him.
And when I finally get there, his fingers entwine with mine.
I look up into his eyes, eager to become his.
I repeat my vows after the minister and end with, “I will love you all of the days of my life.”
And I know that I will.
Because true love never fails.
It never dies.
It just goes on and on and on.
Forever.
Author’s Notes
I wrote this book for a couple of reasons.
First, someone I love was using drugs to cope with life. He wasn’t an addict, but like Pax, he was teetering on the edge. If he hadn’t chosen to get help and learn to deal with stress in healthy ways, he would have continued on a dark, self-destructive path that would have ended in a very tragic way. I will be forever grateful that he chose to get help, that he recognized the need and put in the work to fix it.
Second, there was a news story years ago that has haunted me ever since I heard it. It was about a young mother, a child and an intruder. They were in the same position as Pax and his mother found themselves in this book, but somehow, the real-life mother and son managed to get away. I’ve thought about that story off and on over the years and recently, when my mind was wandering in the absent way a writer’s does, I wondered what would have become of the boy if the intruder had killed his mom. I decided that he would have wanted to live in oblivion, where it was safe and warm. And Pax’s story was born.
This story is really about a man teetering on the edge. He could have fallen either way, into the dark or into the light. And he chose to land on his feet in the light, even though the light is harder and it takes more work. My message through this book is for anyone who is in that same place, balancing on that precarious ledge. The light is always worth it, even though it’s hard. Stay strong and live in the light.
The use of the verse, Love never fails, is something personal to me, as well. It is engraved on my wedding band, just as it is engraved on Pax’s and Mila’s.