She forced her eyes back down to the computer screen, the cursor blinking on an empty document. Her fingers moved across the keys, typing out a sentence she read back and then deleted.
The phone on her desk rang, startling her. She glanced down to see her assistant’s name flashing on the LCD screen. ‘Sophie, I said I didn’t want to be disturbed. What is it?’
She heard her assistant clear her throat, could feel the girl’s anxiety filtering through the handset. ‘Um, I just had a call from reception. They said your mum’s down there wanting to see you. I couldn’t see anything in the diary.’
Heat rose into Lily’s cheeks and she picked up the glass of water from her desk, gulped down its contents. ‘Could you go and collect her?’
Replacing the phone in its cradle, Lily stood up and glanced out into the busy open-plan office, her thoughts leapfrogging each another as to why her mum should be paying her an impromptu visit.
The door opened and Sophie showed her mum in.
‘Can I get you both a cup of tea or coffee?’
Her mum glanced in Lily’s direction, hands clasped together as if in prayer, before turning back to Sophie. ‘Thank you, that’s very kind, but I’m fine.’
‘Yes, me too, Sophie. Can you check my four o’clock meeting’s still happening?’
As the door closed there was a moment’s silence. Lily gestured to the sofa, her arm extended stiffly, her body reacting against a clash of worlds she usually kept separate. ‘Sit down, Mum, please. Is everything OK?’
Her mum sat on the edge of the sofa, handbag clutched on her lap, coat still done up. Lily noticed the buttons were in the wrong holes, the collar jutting out at an awkward angle.
‘Yes, I was just passing and I thought it’s been ages – years – since I’ve seen you at work. I’m sorry, I should have telephoned. I didn’t think.’ She opened her handbag and fiddled with something inside, then zipped it closed again.
‘Don’t be silly, it’s lovely to see you. I’ve probably only got about fifteen minutes, though. The diary’s crammed with meetings until seven. How are you?’ Lily’s mobile pinged with a trio of successive bleeps. ‘Sorry – I’d just better check those. There’s a board meeting tomorrow and I’ve been waiting for some info. Just bear with me a second.’ She retrieved her phone from the desk, swiped open the screen and scanned three emails. Opening her electronic calendar to check on an appointment, she noticed a small note at the top of today’s date. ‘God, I’m so sorry, Mum. You had your consultant appointment today. How was it? Nothing bad’s happened, has it?’
Her mum looked up at her, blinking as though some dust was trapped under her eyelid. She coughed, lightly at first, and then vigorously, her hand flat on her chest. ‘I couldn’t get a glass of water, could I? I seem to have a tickle in my throat.’
Lily popped outside her office door, filled a glass with water from the dispenser and headed back in. Her mum was exactly where she’d left her: sitting on the edge of the sofa as if uncertain how long she wanted to stay. ‘There you go. Are you sure you’re OK? That cough sounds like it’s getting worse.’
Her mum nodded without looking up. ‘I just had something caught in my throat, that’s all.’
‘So what did the consultant say?’ Lily sat down opposite her mum, smoothed her dress over her thighs.
‘Everything’s fine. Just a routine appointment, nothing to report.’
The phone on Lily’s desk rang and she peered through the glass wall to where Sophie was waving an apologetic hand at her before the ringing stopped.
‘Are you sure? How were your blood counts?’
‘Honestly, darling, it was all the same as before. No change. But how are you? You’ve been working so hard since Daniel left and I’m worried about you. Has he said when he’s coming home for the weekend? You must be missing each other terribly.’
Her mum smiled and Lily tried to hold her gaze, tried not to let her expression betray her. ‘Not yet – he’s pretty frantic out there. He’ll come back as soon as he can. I know it’s not ideal but it’s only for six months and you can’t expect to have careers like ours without making a few sacrifices.’ The half-truths tumbled out of Lily’s mouth.
‘I’m not criticising you, darling. You know how proud I am of both of you. I honestly don’t know how you keep all the plates spinning. It makes me tired just watching you.’
Her mum stretched out an arm and took Lily’s hand. Before Lily knew it was going to happen, there was a lump in her throat, tears in her eyes. She felt the truth rise into her mouth and sit readily on her tongue, felt the pre-emptive relief of disclosure: the strain her marriage had been under, Daniel’s suggestion that some space might do them good, her fears that she would not be able to fix whatever was wrong in their relationship when they were living thousands of miles apart. She could feel it all, ready to be divulged, ready to find a sympathetic listener and wise counsel in her mum.
The shrill beeping of her mum’s phone broke the silence.
‘Oh, I’m sorry – I don’t know why the volume’s so loud. You need to show me how to turn it down. Let me switch it off. Oh … hang on a second.’
Lily blinked against her tears, her hand hanging limply by her side where her mum had let it go to read the message.
‘Darling, I’m really sorry but I’m going to have to dash. You need to get on now anyway, don’t you?’
Something in her mum’s voice made Lily’s shoulders stiffen. ‘Why? What is it? What’s wrong?’
She watched the questions skim across her mum’s eyes, watched the two sides of a dilemma being weighed up in her mind.
‘Nothing. Nothing bad, it’s just … Well, Jess forgot to tell me that a plumber’s coming to look at the shower and neither she nor Mia will be at home, so she’s asked if I could let him in.’ Apprehension twitched between her mum’s eyebrows.
Lily got up, went to her desk and bent down towards her computer, swiping the mouse to bring her screen back to life. ‘That’s fine, Mum. You go. I need to get this presentation done anyway.’ Her tone was brusquer than she’d intended. She kept her head down, eyes on the screen, as she heard the rustle of her mum standing up to leave.
‘I’m sorry, it’s just bad timing. But are you sure everything’s OK? Was there something you wanted to tell me?’
Lily shook her head, still staring at the screen. ‘No. Nothing.’ She forced herself to stand upright and smile, trying to dissolve the tension. ‘It’s fine, Mum, you go. I’ll see you on Sunday for lunch.’
There was a brief hesitation before her mum stepped around the desk, folded her arms around Lily like a pair of giant wings, and hugged her gently.
Stay, Lily wanted to say. Please don’t go.
But instead she loosened herself from her mum’s embrace and took a step back. ‘You’d better get going. You don’t want to be late.’
Her mum looked at her, and Lily felt a succession of unspoken questions congeal between them. She walked over to the door, found Sophie at her desk and asked her to accompany her mum back downstairs.
‘Don’t work too late, will you, darling? And I’ll see you at the weekend.’
They kissed goodbye, and as her mum headed towards the lift with Sophie, Lily watched them go, noticing how much narrower her mum’s shoulders were than they had been just six months ago.
Back inside her office, Lily sank into the chair at her desk, and spun it round to face the window. Fat raindrops hit the glass, sliding down to collect in small pools on the black metal ledge. She breathed slowly and methodically, silently repeating the line her therapist had been schooling her in for years: You can’t change others’ behaviour. You can only control your own reaction to it.