‘Sorry I took so long. All OK with the car?’
Jess nodded, noticing how her mum’s knees protruded under the thin material of her trousers, how dark rings hung under her eyes. She saw her mum every day, yet somehow hadn’t noticed how much she had changed physically over the past few weeks. But now that she had, it was as though a future Jess wasn’t yet ready to greet was hurrying towards her and there was nothing she could do to slow it down. ‘Yes, all fine. So the audition went well, I’m guessing.’
‘Really well. Ben’s wonderful – a really interesting man. It’s a shame you couldn’t chat to him for longer. The audition was packed, and there’s another one tomorrow night. I can’t imagine how he’s going to make us sound any good in less than three months though.’
Audrey smiled but Jess noticed that her eyes were bloodshot, and she saw a tiny globule of something white and viscous stuck to the corner of her lips. ‘Mum, are you OK? What took you so long in the bathroom?’
Audrey reached for her seat belt, but didn’t meet Jess’s gaze as she clicked it into place. ‘Oh, you know. Everything seems to take me a long time these days.’
Jess studied her mum’s profile. She suspected she knew what might really have happened, feared her mum hadn’t just been going to the toilet or powdering her nose all that time. ‘Mum? You would tell me if you were starting to feel worse, wouldn’t you?’
Chapter 11
Audrey
Audrey nodded, wondering if somehow Jess knew. She’d been so careful to hide it, had tried so hard to be quiet when it had happened at home. She’d take herself off to the bathroom, run the taps when the sound began to reverberate around the toilet bowl, always make sure to wipe her lips and brush her teeth afterwards to expunge any trace. It was ironic, really. There was barely anything in her stomach to be purged and yet, several times each day, her muscles heaved with a determination so much more dramatic than the results.
‘Honestly, darling, I’m fine. But you look exhausted. Are you all right? It’s madness, you working such long hours. Is it really necessary for you to be on set for so long every day?’
Jess started the engine, a weary half-smile shadowed in the glow of the streetlights. ‘It is what it is. That’s my job. Anyway, tell me about this concert. What’s it going to involve?’
As Jess pulled out of the parking space and headed towards Ladbroke Grove, Audrey told her about the audition, the choir and the organisers’ plans for a charity concert that involved professionals and amateurs from all over the country.
‘Are you sure it’s a good idea for you to be in this choir, Mum? I do understand why you want to do it but I’m still worried it’ll be too much for you. Rehearsals twice a week sounds like a big commitment. Don’t you think you should be taking it easy?’
There was concern in Jess’s voice that Audrey felt she ought to be used to by now, given that it had infused every conversation with her family since her diagnosis. But they’d had this conversation already, when Audrey had first mentioned her plan to audition, and nothing had changed since then. If anything, having met Ben and heard about the concert, she was more determined than ever to join the choir.
‘I know it’s only because you care, but there’s no need to worry. The choir will help take my mind off things. Give me something else to focus on.’
As they turned onto Ladbroke Grove, Jess’s sigh seemed to fill the car with fatigue.
‘What is it, Jess? Really, there’s nothing to worry about. The choir will be good for me.’
Jess looked straight ahead, eyes fixed on the road. ‘It’s not that.’
Audrey detected an almost imperceptible twitch at the corner of Jess’s mouth, invisible to anyone who wasn’t attuned to it. ‘What is it, then? Come on. Something’s wrong, I can tell.’
‘Nothing, honestly. It’s just … I’ve been thinking about Dad, that’s all.’
Audrey waited for Jess to say more, could hear the ambivalence in the silence, was unsure whether to press further. She allowed a few moments to pass, waiting to see if Jess might volunteer anything else, but they’d stopped at traffic lights and Jess was staring out of the window in the opposite direction. ‘What have you been thinking?’ Audrey’s stomach swirled and she could taste the acidic residue of vomit despite the Trebor Extra Strong Mint she’d sucked on her way to the car.
‘Nothing specific, really. Just little things.’
Audrey watched Jess’s mouth open again, as if she was preparing to say more, but then her lips closed. As the lights turned to green and the car moved forward, Audrey studied her daughter’s face. Jess had always complained that her looks were unattractive, nondescript, but Audrey had always seen a quiet beauty in them: eyes that seemed to change colour, from grey to green to hazel, depending on the light; lashes so long people often assumed they were false; lips neither too full nor too thin that Audrey had often joked, when Jess was little, were perfect for kissing.
‘What kind of things?’ Audrey was aware of the air stiffening as the muscles in Jess’s jaw twitched. It was always a risk pushing Jess – however gently – to talk about Edward, but she opened the door so infrequently that Audrey couldn’t afford to ignore it.
‘Like I said, nothing specific. Just random things from when I was little.’
‘Nice things?’
‘For God’s sake, Mum. Yes, nice things. Things that mean what happened later makes no sense. Things that mean I still don’t understand what he did or why he did it. Is that what you want to hear? Is that what you want me to say? God, I wish I’d never mentioned it.’
Audrey clasped her hands together, her rings jabbing into her fingers. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I know it’s hard. I’m sure, in a way, it always will be. Dad was never the same after what happened with your sister.’
Jess whipped her head around, eyes ablaze. ‘I know that, Mum. Don’t you think I already know that?’
She hissed the words with a ferocity that still had the power to shock Audrey even though she’d heard it many times before.
The miscalculation rattled in Audrey’s chest, berating her for having failed, yet again, to help Jess speak about events she had kept to herself all these years. She had an urge to reach out and squeeze the top of Jess’s arm but she curled her hands into balls, her fingernails digging into her skin. ‘I’m sorry, Jess. I know you don’t like to talk about it.’
Audrey stared at Jess’s profile, silently willing her daughter to turn her head, to offer even the smallest sign of forgiveness, but Jess didn’t look at her, didn’t smile, didn’t speak.
They drove on in silence, Audrey replaying the conversation in her head, wondering what she could have said differently to change the outcome. But she realised that her only alternative was to have said nothing at all.
Staring out of the window as they turned onto Holland Park Avenue, she counted down the roads until they arrived at the junction with Lily’s street. Her eyes darted left to right even though she knew a chance encounter was unlikely. Lily would already be at the work dinner that had caused her to cancel their supper.
It was the same every time she drove down this road with Jess, whatever time of day or night, whatever day of the week: the hope that somehow fate would bring her daughters together on the streets of west London. But even though Lily and Jess had lived in the same city, three miles apart, for fifteen years, not once had they met by chance.