He takes a sharp breath, and then he is bolting straight up, looking all around with eyes that ain’t focused on anything, saying, ‘You’re here?’
When I say, ‘Course I am,’ he lies right back down and is sleeping so fast that he must not have ever been full awake. After that, my mind is working ’til dawn, wondering how long before I have to tell Jeremiah my fears, how long before I’ll know for sure. I am glad when Jeremiah wakes up proper except for the circles under his eyes.
Outside in the shade of our tent, Jeremiah sits, tight and drawn. I look sidelong at him, thinking on how his face was always easy and peaceful back at home in our Little House, wondering if a baby would be a thing for him to be happy on again when Sully comes walking fast down the aisle, carrying a newspaper.
‘You heard the rumors about General Lee?’ he says, and thrusts the paper at Jeremiah.
‘Can’t say we have,’ Jeremiah says, his voice flat even as he reaches for Sully’s paper.
‘Everybody says he’s moving his Confederates into Maryland.’ Sully talks loud, and Hiram from the next tent over looks up from whatever he’s carving.
‘I got that paper from Thomas Stakely and it says Lincoln’s fired Pope,’ Sully keeps on.
‘Course Lincoln ought to fire him,’ Edward yells from where he sits by Hiram. ‘They brought him from out West to win and all he did was lose the biggest battle since the first Bull Run!’
‘What’s this mean for us?’ I ask Sully.
‘What it means is McClellan’s in command of our Army now.’
‘What it means is we might be leaving for Maryland any day,’ Jeremiah says, looking up from the paper as Sully snatches it away, my heart sinking at the words.
Hiram calls over, ‘McClellan is damn slow moving, but his soldiers like him real fine.’
Edward says, ‘That’s because he keeps them in supplies. And he don’t get them killed. Look at how many we lost—Jimmy, Frank, Henry—and we didn’t even see an hour of action.’
Hearing those names rattled off don’t make me want to go to Maryland and chase after General Lee. Jeremiah is already pulling inside himself, and if we are moving soon, I can’t add new worry to the weight of all that.
‘Henry ain’t dead,’ Jeremiah says. ‘He’s still out there.’
‘Sure he is,’ Edward says. ‘Bet he’ll be joining us any day now.’
I let myself think on deserting. Only instead of going to keep watch over Jimmy’s grave like Henry must’ve done, there’s me and Jeremiah walking through the dusty yard, pushing open the door to our Little House, sitting down at Mama and Papa’s table to tell them the news about a grandbaby on the way. But I get that far and my brain says no no no no. Neither of us is going to live easy if we put aside this duty we signed on for, if the red-hot branding iron is always burning in the back of our minds. There’s no going back and pretending we never left, and I ain’t going home to nothing but waiting when all I’ve got is a sick feeling. Maybe that feeling ain’t nothing but nerves.
Will comes shambling over, and Sully turns his back on Edward when he says, ‘Chaplain Will! Now we might be going off to Maryland, guess I’ll wait a few more days and ask the Good Lord for forgiveness right before I die. What do you think about that?’
‘You’re not worried you won’t get that chance?’ Will asks him.
‘Well, see now, I’m worried about other things I mightn’t get the chance for—liquor and gambling and women. Mostly women,’ Sully says, and I wonder how he can be poking fun, after everything.
‘Aren’t you worried about your future self?’ Will asks. ‘How do you expect to ever find yourself a wife of noble character, if you aren’t virtuous yourself?’
‘Aw, Chaplain! Stop quoting the Bible at me! Any wife I find won’t have to know a thing about my sins, and God knows I’ve got the best intentions. He’s hearing me right now, saying I aim to be good and sorry for doing the things I ain’t done yet. And if I can get all the benefits of a wife for a few bits, well, the Good Lord wants us to be happy, now don’t he?’
‘That’s not how salvation works,’ Will says, and then he is looking at me. ‘You’ve got to be penitent. You’ve got to regret those things you’ve done, and struggle against that sin in your heart. What you’re talking about doesn’t sound like turning away from sin.’
‘This mean you ain’t getting a new deck of cards?’ I ask, wondering if Will is talking about what he tried with me in the woods.
Sully don’t give him a chance to answer.
‘Ain’t none of us playing poker, not with Henry and Jimmy gone,’ Sully says, his voice gravelly with feeling. ‘Ain’t the same. But no. I ain’t turning away from sin. I don’t care what Chaplain Will here says. I’m running right into it. God knows if he gave me time to find a wife, then I wouldn’t be in this position.’