A person walks past the end of the street. An ordinary person talking on a mobile phone, just walking, looking ahead. Then a car goes past and a bus.
My knees feel weak. I don’t know what to do.
part four
freedom
three teabags in the life of nathan marcusovich
I’ve been free for ten days. I’m OK. I’m in a house in the countryside, just having a cup of tea. I come in here most days, but sleep in the wood a mile away. The wood is OK. It’s warm and I can hear if anything approaches. Nothing human ever does. It’s good not to be in the cage. I slept better in the cage, though. I’m having constant nightmares now. The nightmares don’t sound that scary; I’m just running and running in the alley by the Council building.
Food was a problem before I found this place. It’s a holiday home and hardly used. I managed to break in just by messing with the lock with a bit of wire. I shower in here most days and sometimes I lie on one of the beds upstairs, like Goldilocks, only I never sleep. The beds are all really soft and there’s porridge too, which is sort of funny.
There’s pasta and cereal in the cupboard, as well as the oats, so mainly I’m living off that. There’s no milk, of course, so I make porridge with water. No lumps in my porridge, but I’ve used up all the honey, jam and raisins so there’s not much else in it either.
I try to have one meal a day, whatever time feels right. I don’t eat much; there isn’t much here to eat. Rice with salt is my favourite. There was a tin of tuna but that went on day one and the can of beans on day two. I slip half a Weetabix into my pocket and suck on it slowly in the evening when I’m tucked up in the wood.
A family came and stayed here for two days. I guess it was the weekend. Mum, dad, two kids and a dog, the perfect fain family. They didn’t seem to notice that I’d been in the house and taken stuff. I always make sure everything is clean and tidy. When they left there was more pasta but no more oats. I was hoping for another can of tuna, but no luck.
I thought I heard something outside. Nothing there.
I’ve started biting my nails again. I used to do this when I was little, but I stopped because of Annalise. I’ve started again. I try not to think about Annalise too much.
It’s raining. Drizzle.
I’d better check outside again.
I’m heading back to the wood. I think they are watching me. I can feel it sometimes. My skin crawls with it.
My escape was too easy. It’s unbelievable that the Council took so much trouble to keep me under strict control all my life, all those Assessments and Notifications, keeping me prisoner with Celia, tattooing me – and yet they’ve allowed me to escape. It can only be some new plan of theirs.
They followed me before, when I was living with Gran and going to Wales. I didn’t know it then but I know it now.
That family that stayed in the house looked like fains, but I’m not sure. Maybe Hunters can disguise themselves as fains. And the first man I hitched with kept looking at me and asking me questions and stuff, though he was all right in the end cos he let me out, but I was shouting at him at that point and he looked scared.
These tattoos are some kind of tracking device. That can be the only explanation. I’m probably some blip on a screen. I saw that in a film once. Blip … blip … blip. And they’re sitting in a van watching the screen and can see that I’m cutting down the side of the field and heading back to the wood.
My shelter’s OK. It keeps the rain out and the ground dry. It’s well hidden, half buried under the roots of a tree near a stream.
I sit here a lot.
And sometimes when I’m sitting here I think that I’m not being followed and I really have escaped and I say to myself, ‘I’ve escaped. I’ve escaped. I’m free.’
But I don’t feel free.
I cry sometimes. I don’t know why, but it keeps happening. I’m just looking at the stream, say, which runs through the dark brown mud and yet is clear and bright and soundless, when I realize that I can taste tears. There are so many they run into my mouth.
I’ve had a nap and even with the blanket and some newspapers I brought from the holiday home I’m shivering. How does that work? It’s April and it’s not even cold. I’ve spent nearly two years living in a cage in the coldest, wettest bit of Scotland – which must be virtually the coldest, wettest bit of the planet; I’ve lived through snow, ice and storms, and then I come down here to a nice warm place and I’m shivering all the time. A few sheepskins would be good here.