You guys, astounding women are doing this. Women who have built hundred-million-dollar companies or are running massive teams with unbelievable revenues. Those kinds of women are afraid to admit that they’re good at their jobs or that they love what they do. Interacting with them has made me feel less alone, has made me understand that this is something many other women face down. So I’m telling you my story in the hopes that if you’re like us, you know there’s a tribe of ladies who feel the same way, even if not everyone has found the courage to say it out loud yet.
It’s okay to want something more for your life. In fact, hang out with me long enough, and you’ll discover that it’s one of the things I value most in people. Drive, hustle, the desire to work as hard as you can to chase down a goal? That’s my jam. Hustle is my love language.
I love a hustler. I love someone who is unabashed about what they want for their lives and refuses to let anyone talk them out of it. I don’t mean that they never feel intimidated by their own audacity. I don’t mean that they don’t occasionally fall into the trap of other people’s opinions. The hustlers I know, they’re human and they face the same insecurities as the rest of us. But when push comes to shove, they don’t overthink it or debate it; they just put their heads down and get back to work. That’s what hustle means to me: it means that you’re willing to work for it, whatever it is, whatever you want, and you don’t assume anyone is going to give it to you, but you know it can be yours.
Society tends to raise boys to go after what they want and tends to raise girls to go after the boys. I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t matter what society thinks about you or your dreams. Heck, it doesn’t matter what your family, your closest friends, or your spouse think about your dreams either. All that really matters is how badly you want those dreams and what you’re willing to do to make them happen.
Laurel Thatcher Ulrich said, “Well-behaved women seldom make history,” and there are hundreds of years of evidence to back her up.1
Sojourner Truth, Susan B. Anthony, the suffragettes, Marie Curie, Malala Yousafzai, Oprah, Beyoncé—not one of these women put up with the expectations placed on them by the society or the time period they were born into. None of them downplayed their gifts, resources, or the access they were given. Those women, and so many others like them, lived into their God-given strengths and talents regardless of what the world thought of them, sometimes against almost impossible odds and life-threatening oppression.
Are you a hustler? Me too. Do you secretly want to be, but you’re afraid of what other people might think or say? I’ve been there.
For many women the weight of other people’s opinions will be too big a burden to carry; they won’t be able to step outside the safety net because they’re too scared. But that’s not us. We’re willing to go after it, we’re willing to be audacious, and we’re willing to take it on because the chance to live into our full potential is worth any backlash that comes our way.
Some say good girls don’t hustle. Well, I’m okay with that. I care more about changing the world than I do about its opinion of me.
PART II
BEHAVIORS TO ADOPT
be·hav·ior1
b?’hāvy?r/
noun
1. the way in which one acts or conducts oneself, especially toward others.
“good behavior”
2. the way in which an animal or person acts in response to a particular situation or stimulus.
synonyms: conduct, deportment, bearing, actions, doings Your behaviors are the way you act day in and day out. Your behaviors are your habits. They manifest in the actions you take, the words you say, and the way you live your life. What is most important to understand about your behaviors is that they are a choice. They don’t feel like a choice because the vast majority of your behaviors are made without conscious thought. They’re habits that have ingrained themselves in your life, but they are choices we make, whether consciously or unconsciously. Which means every single day you choose to be this person . . . whether you realize it or not. You choose to believe what you believe and accept what you accept, and these behaviors can either help you immensely or harm you without you ever really knowing it. Now that we’ve let go of the many excuses that hinder us from pursuing our dreams, we need to take some steps toward them. This section is a list of the behaviors I adopted that helped me get to my goals, and I hope they’ll help you do the same.
BEHAVIOR 1:
STOP ASKING PERMISSION
Okay, sisters, I know not everyone is comfortable with the word feminist. As I mentioned earlier, feminist simply means you believe men and women should have equal rights, but I understand there’s a world of other meanings wrapped up in the word for many women, and I’m not trying to convince you otherwise. I only bring it up now because this chapter is going to feel like the most feministy feminist words you’ve ever heard from me, and if that’s not your cup of tea, your inclination is going to be to skip this chapter.
Don’t skip this chapter.
You absolutely don’t have to burn your bra in the streets, but you are a grown woman and owe it to yourself to consider this idea. This chapter is not about men versus women and how we should navigate the disparity. This chapter is about the truth that most cultures have been set up—since the beginning of time—as patriarchal. This means that in most societies men have more power (or all the power) and therefore more control.
It doesn’t matter whether you believe this is good or bad, natural or misguided—girl, you do you!—but for the purpose of this book and chasing down your goals, it matters that you at least consider how this kind of structure might affect your belief in yourself. After all, if you were raised to believe that men know best, that men are the authority, how much faith does that teach you to have in yourself and your opinions as a woman?
I was on a business trip recently and stopped by a bookstore in the airport to grab something for the plane. I ended up picking up this incredible book called Women & Power: A Manifesto. It’s a really interesting study of the history of women speaking publicly. Not women speaking, but women being allowed to (or rather not allowed to) speak in public forums. You should absolutely check it out. It’s a rich history and well written, and you can read it in two hours. Personally, I’ve never really studied—and so therefore never focused on—how little access women were once given to use their voices or offer their opinions. Oh sure, I’ve read all about the suffragettes and how hard women fought for the right to vote, but I never stopped to consider the long history of pain and torture and even death that happened in the hundreds of years leading up to that time.
There is this incredible part in the book that I thought was so powerful. It was the idea that for most of us, the voice of authority in our lives growing up was male. And if we grew up and started working or grew up and married a man, then it’s possible that the voice of authority stayed male. The person in charge, the person who told you what to do, who told you what was right and wrong, often, was a man.
If that man was good and wise and had your best interests at heart, then that might have instilled the belief in you that he knew best. That’s powerful enough on its own, but what if that man in your life wasn’t good? What if he was hurtful or cruel? What if he had his best interests at heart instead of your own? He was still in charge, he still got to make the decisions, and he still got to affect your life.