Be the kind of woman who is proud to be herself.
Be the kind of woman who has so much love inside her that she won’t be tempted to change herself in order to get love from others.
Be the kind of woman who focuses more on being interested than on other people thinking she’s interesting.
Be the kind of woman who laughs loudly and often.
Be the kind of woman who is generous—no matter how much money is in your bank account, you have a wealth of resources to offer others.
Be the kind of woman who spends a lifetime learning, because knowledge is power and those who think they know it all are often the dumbest among us.
Be the kind of woman both your eleven-year-old self and your ninety-year-old self would be proud of.
Be the kind of woman who shows up for her life.
Be the kind of woman who understands that she was made for more.
Be the kind of woman who believes that she is capable of doing amazing things in this world.
Be the kind of woman whose own dreams make her nervous—and then go ahead and do them anyway.
Be the kind of woman who never asks permission to be herself.
BEHAVIOR 2:
CHOOSE ONE DREAM AND GO ALL IN
Here’s the thing I believe about a goal that often annoys people: you can only focus on one at a time.
You. Can. Only. Focus. On. One. At. A. Time.
If I were allowed to put emojis into a nonfiction book, you better believe there’d be a little aggressive handclap in between each one of those words.
This one is aimed at all my dreamers who are like, “I want to author a book, but I’m also a singer-songwriter and I’m thinking about getting my real-estate license and I also want to work with homeless animals and start a charity to bring endangered species into senior citizens’ homes to comfort the aged.”
No.
First of all, even if your list isn’t quite so elaborate, even if all the things on it support one another, even then it’s not going to be effective. If it were effective, it would have worked already.
Secondly, that list isn’t one filled with dreams. That is a list filled with some cool ideas. You need to understand the difference.
When I say dream, I mean something you greatly desire. I mean that you’re fantasizing about something and imagining what it would be like regularly. I mean that when you think about it your heart beats faster and your palms get sweaty like an Eminem song.
Mom’s spaghetti.
Many people won’t get the Eminem joke I just made, but that’s okay. Three people did, and as long as someone understands my humor, that’s all I care about.
Back to the dream versus great idea thing. When people list off the nineteen things they’re “dreaming of,” my response is always the same: Which one makes you most excited? If you could choose only one of them to work on for the next decade, which would it be? If only one of them could be successful, which would you choose?
The thing is . . . they always have one. Always.
But they surround their single greatest dream with a bunch of great ideas. They list out all sorts of possibilities, because that way they can say it’s all just for fun. That way their options are endless. That way, if chasing the dream becomes too difficult, they can quit and tell themselves it wasn’t what they truly wanted anyway.
See, if you only pick one dream there is no plan B. If you want to take the island, burn the boats. If you want to actually achieve your dreams, you can only pursue one at a time. I believe completely in going all in on one single dream, and when you achieve that one, then you can move on to the next. But splitting your attention is splitting your focus and your energy, which means you’re not likely to make much progress.
When it comes to personal growth, women often approach it like a buffet. They want to work on a little bit of this and a little bit of that. They reason that all the areas of their lives are important, and so they should try to fix them all at once. Maybe that’s possible for some people, but I can tell you what’s worked for me, in contrast, is focus.
I have a whole life outside of the pursuit of my dreams. So do you, I assume. I’ve got a marriage and children and a career and groceries and dishes and a thousand other things. I don’t have time to waste time. If I’m going to fight for my right to pursue something new for myself, I need it to be as effective as possible. And to be effective, it’s got to be totally focused.
In the past, whenever I set out to start my diet and my exercise program and finally write my novel, my energy and enthusiasm wouldn’t survive the week. There were too many priorities, too many things to keep track of. I got overwhelmed easily and couldn’t keep up with it all.
When everything is important, nothing is important.
I found success when I learned to focus, and focus requires choosing one thing. It’s hard for first-timers to commit to only one area when they’re passionate about growth. What they don’t realize is that a goal is like a harbor. When the tide rises in the harbor, all the boats rise.
This amazing thing happens when you start to grow in one area of your life: other areas improve with it. If you drop a handful of pebbles into a lake, you’ll move the water around a bit. If you drop a boulder into a lake—meaning, if you put all your energy into one area—the impact is incredible. The ripple effects of that choice spread out in all directions.
For clarity’s sake, I’d like to mention that it’s very possible to grow in multiple areas of your life once you’ve achieved success in one area and established it as a habit. For instance, I am able to maintain my health and fitness regimen while pursuing a new goal, because health and fitness are habits in my life now. But, if I had tried to conquer them simultaneously or attempted to take them on while starting my company, let’s say, I wouldn’t have been successful.
The question then becomes, How do you decide? How do you pick the right thing to focus on next? Well, if you’re me, you narrow it down using a process I like to call “10, 10, 1.”
If you’ve never heard of 10, 10, 1 before, that’s because I made it up . . . but I did trademark it, because it’s a good idea and I’m not a dummy. Like most things in life I figure out a process that works for me, and when pressed to explain it, I write it out and give it a snappy title. See: my entire publishing career.
Ten years.
Ten dreams.
One goal.
Who do you want to be in ten years? What are the ten dreams that would make that a reality for you? Which one of those dreams are you going to turn into a goal and focus on next? 10, 10, 1.
Let’s look at it a bit more closely together.
TEN YEARS
I like to encourage people to start by closing their eyes and imagining the best version of themselves. Imagine that a decade of time has gone by, and you are living your best possible ideal for yourself and your life. Dream big. Don’t put any restriction on it. Don’t overthink it; just allow yourself to envision the most magnificent possible future version of yourself. A decade in the future, what is the very best version of yourself doing? What does she look like? How does she go about her day? How does she speak to people she loves? How is she loved in return? What kind of clothes does she wear? What kind of car does she drive? Is she a great cook? Does she love to read? Does she love to run?