And inevitably I start to get looks from the other parents.
Now maybe I’m being presumptuous. Maybe those looks are actually because they like my computer case, or they think my hair looks especially good in that topknot today. But if I had to guess, I’d say their looks are more about the fact that I’m working when I should be wholly devoted to watching my kids master their front kick. Some insecure part of me—the one that used to worry quite a bit about what other mothers thought about my parenting style—considers putting the computer away. But then this is the trade-off, or maybe perk is a better word.
So many working moms wish they could make it to practice, even if it meant they were building a spreadsheet on Excel while their children karate-chopped the air to the Pokémon soundtrack. What a gift that I get to have that experience! So I don’t put the laptop away. I remind myself that this is part of the deal, that these boys of mine will always know what hard work and dedication look like. I remind myself that someday when they’re grown men it will never occur to them that a woman can’t start and build and run a successful company, because that was always part of their reality.
God willing, I’m the only mom my kids will ever know, and I honestly don’t know any other way to make this all work—for all of us—without multitasking sometimes. So I refuse to teach them that you should pursue your dreams but simultaneously be ashamed of them. If I don’t want that for them as adults, I need to model that behavior for them now. I can’t worry about what the other moms at practice think of me, and you can’t worry about what the other moms, or your in-laws, or the PTA think of you. All you can do as a working mom is try your best. All you can do as a recent college grad is try your best. All you can do as a fifty-something divorcée is try your best. All you can do at any stage and season of life is try your best, and someone else’s opinion of how you’re doing or what you’re doing is . . . none of your business.
You know this, friends. I know you do! So why is it that your dreams are still hiding out in your heart instead of taking shape in your hands? It’s not a fear of failure that keeps you in this place; it’s a fear of what other people will think of your failure.
OPO, other people’s opinions. You down with it? Because if you are, you’re giving all your power away.
The opinion of the other moms at school? The opinion of the Hulks in my boxing gym? The opinion of strangers on the internet or my parents or even my fans? The second I start to give inordinate weight to any of it is the second my priorities get out of alignment. When other people’s expectations start to dictate your actions, you’re lost. Your hope, your dreams, your sense of self . . . it all gets lost.
You want to make real strides for yourself and your goals this year? Stop caring about what “they” think of you. Stop giving power to someone else’s opinions.
Inevitably, when I say something like this the question that comes back is about accountability and whether we can truly maintain our integrity if we have no sounding board. First of all, you know what’s right and wrong. You know what’s true. Down in your gut, you know how the best version of yourself would live out this day, this life you’ve been given. You may not always get to that place, but you know what it is you’re striving for. So don’t underestimate that.
Secondly, if you’re truly blessed, you will have people in your life who are confidants and true friends. Their wisdom will be your counsel, and you can seek them out when you need to. But—and here’s the place where people get tripped up—there is a big difference between wanting someone’s opinion and needing their approval. The latter typically comes disguised as the former. We ask for an opinion because we’re feeling unsure about something, and often if we can find someone to agree we somehow justify the idea as good or bad.
Yesterday I made this mistake with my husband. He is my best friend and counselor, and I still had to separate his opinion from what I really wanted. I have this idea for a new book. A new fiction book. I haven’t written fiction since I wrapped up my Girls series, but (as often happens when you’re in the middle of writing a book) I started daydreaming about my next book. This happens partly because you’re deep in a creative headspace and mostly because writing books (no matter how many you do) is super hard. Fantasizing about being finished and working on the next thing is the carrot you dangle to get you through big writing days. So this new novel, it’s my carrot, and I got excited enough to tell Dave about it. And in doing so, I opened myself up for opinions.
His opinion was that the plot sounded a lot like something else and that it also sounded a little convoluted. He said it in the nicest way, truly just a harmless thought as part of our little brainstorming session. The problem is not that he offered his opinion; the problem is that I immediately started to adjust my thoughts about the book. I immediately started to wonder if maybe he was right and my idea was wrong and I should just scrap it. But the truth is . . . it doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter if Dave is right. It doesn’t matter if the experts are right. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or believes. The idea, the dream, the goal is my own. The second I start looking for other people to validate it, I begin to lose steam and momentum. When you’re in the early stages of an idea or a goal, you’re the most insecure, which means you’re easily swayed by what other people might think or believe. You’re most easily talked out of an idea you might have loved or into an idea you might regret when you allow other people’s opinions to color your plans.
It’s like when you ask someone to review or critique the first draft of your manuscript when you’re only halfway done. When I ask someone to read an unfinished draft, it’s because I’m looking for validation. It’s usually because I’m struggling and thinking I’m a terrible writer, and I want someone whose opinion I admire to tell me to keep going. The truth is, no one else can validate you enough to finish a first draft. No one can validate you enough to follow through on the dream you’ve laid out for yourself. Even the most encouraging coach on the planet can’t make you finish the race. You’re going to have to find it in yourself to chase it down all on your own.
But what’s the harm, right? If you still finish it yourself in the end, why does it matter whether you look for someone else to validate your idea in the beginning? Because, while other people can’t help you finish, they can certainly—even if unintentionally—talk you out of trying.
I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it so that you no longer felt trapped under the weight of other people’s opinions and expectations, but I know it’s not that easy. It’s a hard habit to break, but make no mistake, it’s a habit and a choice. We can choose to not allow that weight in our lives, but since we’re all probably operating under some negative opinions, we also need to learn how to get out from under what is already there. And that starts with understanding exactly what kind of opinions we’re dealing with.