Had any of it happened quickly or easily, I might have associated the wins with luck or innate skill. Battling through hardship to get here means I have absolute certainty in this truth: I can achieve anything if I’m willing to work for it. Not because I’m especially gifted, but because I’m especially dedicated to improving along the way.
Sis, don’t be afraid of failure. Be afraid of never achieving anything at all because you were too afraid of what others might think of you for trying.
EXCUSE 7:
IT’S BEEN DONE BEFORE
It’s one of those things we all do, right? We look at her life or her work or her Instagram, and we let her success talk us out of chasing anything for ourselves. We stop ourselves from writing that book, opening that business, building that app, starting that nonprofit, because someone else has already done it.
It’s been done before.
Well, of course it has. But, sister, everything has been done before. Kissing, dating, getting married, winged eyeliner, white jeans, bangs . . . honestly, everything that sounds interesting or cool or like something you might want to try? It’s already been done! So why is it that we don’t let that deter us in any other scenario except pursuing something big?
Because we need an excuse.
Please note, I didn’t call this section of the book “Legitimate Obstacles to Get Around.” I called it “Excuses to Let Go Of.” The fact that someone has already done the thing you’re dreaming of shouldn’t be a deterrent; it should be a sign that you’re on to something.
Dang, look at Suzy already making rainbow doilies on Etsy—just proves that it’s fulfilling and fun to make and sell crafts online.
What’s that? Your cousin Emily is already killing it in that direct-sales jewelry company? Oh, I guess that means it really is an incredible place to build community and a side income!
But instead of seeing other people’s success or creativity as a good thing, as a sign that pursuing something more for your life has value, you decide that it’s a competition and you’d rather not try at all in case you’re not as good as she is. Sure, this is partly about feeling like you’re not enough, but it’s also about the unhealthy game of comparison.
One of the messages I get all the time from women is, “I loved your book and I’d love to be an author, but I could never write like you do.” Or, “I’ve always wanted to do public speaking, but I’m not as good as you are.”
Girls, stop comparing your beginning with my middle! Or anyone else’s for that matter. What you are reading right now is my eighth book, and I’m not saying it’s Pulitzer material, but it’s light-years away from my first in terms of skill. Have you ever looked at my Instagram feed and thought it was pretty? Scroll back a couple of years—just for funsies—and see what it looked like when I was just figuring out my personal style or how to not look like a robot in photos. Go look at the blog too; some of those original posts are doozies. You think I’m a good public speaker? Please go peep on my old YouTube videos where I’m speaking at MOPS groups and at the local senior citizen home (I kid you not!). I intentionally keep the older content in my feeds and on my website because, if you ever fall down an internet rabbit hole some night and find some of my original work, I want you to see the progress. I did not wake up like this. And that person you’re comparing yourself to? Neither did they. You stop yourself from trying because you think it’s already been done. Well, of course it has. But it hasn’t been done by you.
There’s a great Chinese proverb that says, “The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second-best time is now.” You can keep talking yourself out of the thing you’re hoping for, or you can decide that your dream is more powerful than your excuse.
This isn’t a question of whether you can do something well, because nearly anything can be learned; this is a question of whether you’re humble enough to suck for as long as it takes you to become better. The ability to write well or speak well or do photography or dance or any old thing at all—those are learned and improved over time. But you’re never going to get to the place where you become good or better or best if you won’t even put your shoes on the starting blocks. We don’t know whether you can speak like me or write like Brené Brown or take pictures like Jenna Kutcher. Sister, we can’t determine when you’ll cross the finish line, because you won’t even let yourself show up for the race!
You are talking yourself out of something you haven’t even attempted, because you think you can’t measure up to how someone else has done it. But this particular excuse is not about your skill. This excuse is about your fear. There are all sorts of different ways this type of fear manifests, so please feel free to identify with the one that describes you best and allow me to drop some truth bombs up in here.
You’re afraid that you’ll suck because . . . you’ve never done it before. Let me relieve you of this fear right now. You are going to suck. All beginners do. Because if you were secretly a prodigy at pursuing the dreams of your heart, some long-suffering yet dedicated teacher would have seen it in you long ago. We all saw Dangerous Minds. If Michelle Pfeiffer didn’t see potential in you by now, you’re not going to be perfect right out of the gate. Huzzah! There’s zero pressure to be perfect now, so you can just have fun and get better. Your potential for improvement is exponential.
You’re afraid that you’ll suck because . . . you fail at everything, so why should this be any different? God’s almighty nightgown! Is this really how you speak to yourself? Like, really? Number one, knock it off! You are beautiful and worthy of good things, and if you don’t believe that, nobody will. Number two, go get my last book and read about the lies that are hurting you. This kind of belief is crushing and untrue. You have to begin with the way you speak to yourself and the things you believe you deserve before you attempt a new goal. First learn to love yourself well and give yourself credit; then reach for more.
You’re afraid that you suck . . . and at least if you never try, no one—especially you—will be able to confirm that. Spoiler alert: this kind of thought doesn’t come from an underachiever who’s not good at anything. This kind of thought comes from a perfectionist. And, truthfully, it’s lame. There is so much incredible potential inside of you, but you’re going to squander it because trying may or may not confirm that you’re not as good as you thought you were. Stop being so hard on yourself! It’s like that time on Saved by the Bell when Jessie succumbed to the pressures of schoolwork and being in her band, Hot Sundae. Spano was a perfectionist, but rather than admit that it was too much to keep up with it all or concede failure, she got addicted to drugs and had that now-infamous breakdown to a Pointer Sisters song. Don’t be Jessie Spano. If you try for your goal, you probably will suck for a minute (see the paragraph about sucking as a beginner), but you won’t stay there for long. You’ll work to get better, and you won’t even need caffeine pills to do it.
Look, here’s the irony about this particular excuse: even if you push yourself to confront it, you will keep encountering it for the rest of your life. When we’re early on the path to personal growth or on the way to achieving a goal, we often have unrealistic expectations of what will happen once we “get there.” Like, if you just have the courage to do this one thing, then it will make you invincible to insecurity and indecision for the rest of your life. The reality is that every new mountain you attempt to scale will likely have been traversed by someone before you.
Every. New. Mountain.
That means that once you get over this big goal in front of you—once you get to the summit (I’m really going all in on this analogy, guys)—you’ll see another mountain range in the distance. In fact, you’ll realize that your mountain was actually just the foothill of something bigger and better. Personal goals are infinite . . . and addictive. Once you achieve one it makes you start to wonder what else you might be capable of.