“I wrote my vows to her a few weeks ago. Before…this.” I looked over at the coffin again. How could she be dead? How was this happening? I took a deep breath and pulled out the folded up piece of paper in my pocket. I stared down at the words that I’d planned to say to her on our wedding day.
“I don’t know anything better to say than how I feel about her.” The words started to blur in front of me, but I knew them by heart anyway. “Brooklyn. When I first met you, you thought you were invisible. But I always saw you. The first thing I loved about you was how your eyes lit up whenever you saw me. Like I was the only one that could make you happy.”
Happy? Fuck. I destroyed her. I wiped the tears out of my eyes. I had to get through this. I had to let her know.
“But you were the one making me happy. You were a breath of fresh air in this city. I was infatuated with you before we ever spoke. And I fell harder for you every single day since you first let me in. And I know that I’ll keep falling harder every day from here.”
I dropped my head. “I know you’re scared of time. But I’m giving you all of mine. Every second. I’ll cherish you, Brooklyn. I’ll keep you safe.” I choked on my words.
“I know that we’re young. But you’ve taught me that the one thing in this life we can’t waste is time.” I shook my head. “Baby, I can’t imagine my life without you. I’d be lost if we weren’t together. I’m only happy when I know that you’re happy too. And it took me being an idiot, but I know for a fact that I’m only really living when we’re together. And I don’t want to go another day without you by my side.”
I took a deep breath. “I promised to be all your firsts. First kiss. First love. First husband.” When I’d written these vows, I could picture her smiling at that. An inside joke that not one damn person would understand but her. And she wasn’t fucking here to laugh with me. “And there are so many more firsts we’ll get to experience together. First child…” my voice cracked. I couldn’t read this part. I couldn’t make myself think about all the firsts that had been ripped away from us. I wiped my face and skipped to the last paragraph.
“Brooklyn Sanders. Or Pruitt. It doesn’t matter what your last name was. Because you’re a Caldwell now. My wife.” I tried to steady my voice, but it was impossible. “My home. My heart. My best friend. And the love of my life. I promised you that I’ve only ever loved you. And that I will only ever love you. And I’m standing here today, doubling down on that promise, baby. Because I will love you and only you until the day I die.”
I promise. I walked down from the altar and past the pew where my family was sitting.
I heard my mom call my name, but I kept walking. No one could say anything to fix this. And I couldn’t sit here and listen to any more speeches about how much other people would miss Brooklyn. Because they wouldn’t miss her like I would. They didn’t love her like I did. I was all she had. She’d told me that. I was supposed to be her rock. And she’d died thinking I hated her.
I knew what it felt like to not be able to breathe now. Because my lungs fucking hurt every second of every day that Brooklyn wasn’t beside me. It was like the pain was eating me whole. Or maybe it was the regret.
How was I supposed to keep going without her? I couldn’t imagine a world where she was gone. I thought I’d known what the pain of a short life felt like when I’d lost my aunt. But this? It was like a knife twisting in my chest.
I pushed out the doors of the church. The cool autumn breeze rushed past me. And like everything in this world, it reminded me of her. And how she’d told me how she and her mom used to rake leaves and jump in them every fall. I’d never even gotten the chance to do that with her. She couldn’t be gone yet. There was still so much we had to do. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. How was this the end? I sat down on the front steps and put my face in my hands. How was I supposed to keep going without her?
Someone put their hand on my shoulder.
I looked up to see Mason sitting down beside me. He didn’t offer any words. Because what could he say?
James and Rob joined us a second later.
“Matt?” James said. He stepped in front of me. He wiped the tears off his cheeks and shook his head. “I gotta tell you. Brooklyn didn’t know how far the prank was going to go. I didn’t even know.”
“It was my fault,” Rob said. He wiped a tissue under his nose. “I just thought it would be funny. I wasn’t trying to mess with your relationship, Matt. I swear.”
I nodded. Rob always took jokes too far. He didn’t have to explain that to me, I’d seen plenty of his pranks firsthand.
“And she really was just trying to get us all to be friends again,” James said. “We made a deal. That if she helped us with the prank, we’d try to sort things out with you guys.”
I knew that too. I’d listened to all the missed voicemails. And read all the texts that I’d originally ignored. Brooklyn had explained everything.
I thought about the last voicemail she left me. She’d been crying. And she called me a hypocrite. Her last words to me. You’re a fucking hypocrite.
And mine to her? I’d told her I didn’t believe in her. And called her a liar. And walked out instead of having a conversation with her. I’d left her feeling alone, when being alone was her greatest fear. Having no one that loved her. And time. Time and not having enough of it. It felt like there was a knife in my chest twisting every time I thought about her. Did she die thinking I didn’t love her? Was that the last thing she remembered of me?
“It’s okay,” I said. It wasn’t. I forgave James and Rob for the prank. I did. But what they’d roped Brooklyn into doing had set me off. That prank caused me to say those terrible things to Brooklyn. My last fucking words to her.
So I hated James.
I hated Rob.
But I hated myself the most.