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I sighed, knowing it was. Even if he only had sex twice a week with a different girl each time, that was over one hundred girls a year. Since he’d started so young, and he had almost ten years of that sort of behavior under his belt…well, that was almost a thousand girls. And that was assuming a low average. I had a feeling some years had been much higher than two or three a week. Sometimes he’d had two or three a day.
He looked a little ill as he sat on his couch, considering that. He clearly never had before. “Jesus,” he muttered. “I really am a whore.” Actually feeling bad for him, I put a hand on his knee. “Well, I can see why you don’t remember them all,” I whispered.
He looked up at me, horrified. “I’m so sorry, Kiera. I didn’t realize…” He shook his head and I shook mine too. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty, Kellan, I just…we should talk about this openly, honestly.” Sighing, he leaned back against the couch. Nodding, he splayed his fingers out to me. “What do you want to know?”
“I know you don’t remember all of their names, but do you remember their faces? Would you recognize them all if we ran into them again?” I cringed, thinking of this afternoon.
He bit his lip, thinking. “Maybe girls from the last few years, but before that…no, I’m sorry, the faces blur together and you know I didn’t always ask…” he looked down,” their names.”
I squeezed my hand on his knee, and asked the one question that I really needed answered, the one that seemed the most relevant…and the one that terrified me a little. “Were you safe…with all of them?” My heart thudded in my chest. True, STDs and other communicable diseases were high up on my list of concerns, but the one thing that scared me the most was the idea of some woman out there having had his child after a one night fling with him. It happened all the time. It was so plausible. It terrified me to no end that some woman knocking on his door would also come with a toddler…with midnight blue eyes.
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His eyes immediately flashed up to mine. “Yes,” he whispered, his voice sounding completely sure.
Sighing, I slumped against the couch. “Kellan, you don’t have to lie to make me feel better…just be honest.”
His hand came out to cup my cheek. “I am. Even from the first, the very first, we used condoms. I always carried some with me after that day. I didn’t want…” he sighed and shook his head, “I didn’t want another…me…to happen to some girl.”
I stared at him blankly, amazed that the circumstances of his own conception had sacred him straight, so to speak, even at the tender age of twelve. Without thinking about it, I murmured, “How can you be sure…if you don’t remember them all?”
He shook his head. “Because it was my rule, and I never broke it. It was the one thing I…was good about.”
Frowning, I pushed his hand away from my face. “You weren’t with me. You never even thought about it with me.” There was a little heat in my tone as I thought about all of our skin-on-skin moments. He looked down, his eyes flicking back and forth. “That’s because…” he peeked up at me, “it was you.” I furrowed my brow, not understanding. He sighed, bringing his fingers back to my cheek. “I wanted you…so much…and in a way I’d never wanted any girl.” He rested his forehead against mine, exhaling lightly. “I loved you…even that first time. I didn’t want anything between us. I wanted…” Pulling back, he looked away. Grabbing his cheek, I made him look at me. “You wanted what?”
Looking guilty again, he shrugged. “I wanted…to own you. I wanted a part of me in you.” He cringed. “I wanted to mark you, make you mine.” Sighing, he shook his head. “Because I knew you really weren’t…but it made me feel…closer to you, to think that way.” 133
He lowered his eyes as mine watered. “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have done that.”
Swallowing, I brought his mouth to mine. “I love you, too,” I muttered between our lips.
Grabbing his head, I pulled him back as I laid down on the couch. He went freely, settling himself over the top of me as our mouths moved in perfect synch. Breaths heavier, our kiss intensified and my body melted under his, ready for him to stake his claim on me again. But when I tangled my fingers in his messy hair, lightly scratching his scalp, he pulled away from me.
Staring down on me, he shook his head. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but can we not have sex right now? Can we just…cuddle…until you have to go in to work? I just want to be close to you for a while.” Shifting my fingers to brush some stray hair from his forehead, I searched his eyes. “Yeah, of course.”
He smiled lightly and kissed me one final time before shifting to lie beside me. His head on my shoulder, he wrapped his leg over mine and laced our fingers together. Kissing my knuckles, he sighed softly. “I love you, Kiera,” he whispered.
Kissing his forehead, I rested my cheek on his head and absorbed the feeling of his body sprawled across mine. I was wrong before, this was the most comforting thing ever.
We stayed that way, cuddling and silently comforting each other, right up until it was time for me to go to work. Almost immediately upon entering the bar, Kellan was handed a shot of something from Sam. A big grin on his imposing face, the huge bouncer clapped Kellan’s shoulder.
“Here, man, it’s your night, drink up!”
Kellan immediately swished it back. “Thanks, Sam.” He grinned, laughing a little as he handed the empty glass back to him. “I never thought you, of all people, would hand me alcohol.” 134
Kellan laughed a little more and Sam rolled his eyes, his smile dropping. “Well, since you’re not going to end up on my doorstep tonight, I’ll allow it.”
I frowned at Kellan, remembering his confession of getting himself ob-literated on Sam’s doorstep because of me. I’d had to deal with the drunken idiot that night, when I’d had no idea why he’d gotten tossed. It was a little surprising that he could joke about that evening now, but that was Kellan. If anything, he’d developed the ability to bounce back. I supposed, with his life, he’d had to.
Sam shook his head then laughed and clapped Kellan’s shoulder again. “We’re gonna miss you, Kell.” Walking away from Kellan, I thought I heard Sam mutter, “Drunken idiot.” Ignoring that last part, Kellan shouted back, “Thanks!” I tried to walk with Kellan to his table, but it seemed like every third step we took someone stopped him, usually offering him a drink along with their congratulations. He happily took them all, slinging them back and thanking the person offering it. After the fourth such stoppage, I gave up walking with him and kissed him on the cheek, telling him that I had to get to work. He nodded as he took another shot from someone.
Shaking my head, I hoped he slowed down enough so that he could actually give his final performance tonight. It would be quite a disappointment to his fans if I had to drive the drunken idiot home in an hour.
By the time I officially started my shift, he was surrounded by a boisterous group of men and women. Everyone seemed to want some time with him before he left tomorrow. I was grateful that we’d had our tender moments already today, but it did make me sad that our private time was over. I’d have to share him from here on out.
About an hour after my shift started, the rest of the band showed up.
The place erupted into fanfare with the whole group assembled; it was about ten times as loud as the applause they’d received after Bumbershoot. Everyone here was proud of their boys and wanted to wish them well. The bar was bursting at the seams, and there were still a couple of hours before the show officially started.
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Hearing the noise, Pete popped out from the back. He sighed des-pondently at his entertainment moving on from him, then shook his head and raised his hands into the air. The place eventually quieted as everyone twisted to look at him. Kellan, working his way through the crowd to stand near his band mates, locked eyes with Pete.
Smiling at the singer, Pete said, “Kellan…boys…you’ve done wonders for my little pub and I’ll never forget that. If and when you return, you always have a place here.” Kellan smiled, his eyes drifting to the floor.
The other D-bags beamed, smiling at each other. Sniffing in a clearly emotional way, Pete shook his head. “Anyway…a round for everybody, on the house!”
The bar erupted and my eyes widened. There were a lot of people here. As Pete went over to chat with his band, Jenny, Kate and I got to work on pleasing the masses with their free beers. It took an eternity to get everybody satisfied, but eventually, with Rita, and the day bartender, Troy, helping out, we did. As a content murmur filtered throughout the place, I leaned against the bar and sighed, already exhausted.
Kate and Jenny leaned against the bar with me, one on either side of me. Kate blew a stray piece of hair out of her eyes, the first stray piece of hair I’d ever seen on her. “I’m gonna miss those guys, but whew, this is gonna be a long night.”
Rita popped over behind us, pouring us each shots. “A round for the ladies!” Troy walked up to her side and Rita gave him a suggestive smile before pouring him one. “And you too, I suppose.” I hid my smile from her, not bothering to tell her that I was pretty sure Troy would never be interested in her the way her smile insinuated. I was pretty sure Troy’s interests laid elsewhere…like in my boyfriend.
Clinking glasses, we all took a quick shot. It burned going down, but afterwards it was warming and calming, just enough to help me get through tonight’s chaos. As Rita and Troy moved off to help start the next round for people, Jenny sighed and laid her head on my arm. “I’m going to miss Evan…and the guys. Pete’s just won’t be the same.” I nodded, resting my head against her. “I know…nothing will be the same really.”
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Kate sighed and we both looked over to her. “Yeah, I have some really good memories of those boys.” Giggling, she twirled a lock of hair around her finger. “A couple summers ago they kidnapped me for my birthday.” She grinned at Jenny. “Evan made me wear that stupid birthday hat, remember?”
Jenny grinned back at Kate and shook her head. “Yeah, that was fun.” Wistfully, she looked over at the guys. “I remember when they did a show in Eastern Washington. A group of us decided to road trip it over the pass with them. We all got stuck halfway through when Griffin’s Van broke down. We had to camp at a rest stop.” Jenny started laughing, Kate and I joining her. “Matt never booked another show over the mountains after that.”
Jenny wiped her eyes as the memories of that trip washed over her. I sighed, wishing I had been here for those happy times. Kate reached over and tapped Jenny’s shoulder. “Remember the water slides fiasco?” Jenny nodded. “Yeah, Griffin still isn’t allowed to go back there.” They both started belly laughing, and I frowned, wondering what the creaton had possibly done. Tears streaming down her cheeks, Jenny said,
“And remember the rooftop party? The heights freaked Matt out and he spent the whole night in the exact center of the roof.” Wiping her eyes, Jenny laughed out, “Kellan had to sling him over his shoulder to get him to leave.”
I laughed with them, imagining that, then I sighed. I’d missed so many memories. Giggling nonstop, Kate added, “Remember when you walked in on me and Kellan that one New Year’s Eve?” I instantly stopped laughing and swung my head around to Kate. She instantly stopped laughing too, remembering who I was. “You and Kellan?” I looked her up and down with narrowed eyes, like it had just happened. “What?”
My tone was a little bitter and Jenny put a hand on my shoulder. Kate blanched and shook her head. “We didn’t have sex…it didn’t get that 137
far.” She pointed over to Jenny. “She…” Biting her lip, Kate shrugged, looking very apologetic.
My eyes narrowing even more, I put my hands on my hips. “Why didn’t you ever mention this before?”
Kate cringed a little bit. “What was I supposed to say? Hey, I nearly had sex with the guy you’re seeing? That’s not cool.” She shrugged again. “Besides, it was a while ago, and we were really, really drunk. I don’t think he even…” Looking around self consciously, she shrugged again. “I should get back to work.”
Feeling my cheeks heat, I didn’t say anything and she quickly turned and fled. God! He’d done Rita, he’d asked Jenny out, and now I come to find out that he’d seriously made out with Kate. Did Kellan not have a history with anyone at Pete’s!
Seeing me fuming, Jenny stepped in front of me, putting both hands on my shoulders. “He’s different now, Kiera.” Looking over to where Kate had disappeared, Jenny shook her head. “And don’t hate her for caving into him.” Looking back at me, she raised an eyebrow pointedly.
“You know how persuasive he can be.”
I flushed for another reason and slumped a little against the bar. “I know…I just wish everyone in the entire world didn’t have some sort of sexual history with the man I’m in love with.” Laughing softly, Jenny ducked down to meet my eye. “It’s a lot, Kiera, I know, but I’m sure it’s not everybody.” Shaking her head, she smiled cheerily. “I don’t have a history with him. I’ve never even kissed him.” She instantly frowned and pulled away, her eyes suddenly deep in thought. “Hmmm…”
My mouth dropped as she shook her head, her frown lines getting deeper. I smacked her shoulder. “You have kissed him, haven’t you?” Looking back at me with a small grimace, she shrugged. “There was this one time after he drove me home from a shift.” My mouth dropped wider and I made a very unladylike noise. She twisted her lips and shook her head. “Sorry, I forgot. It wasn’t too long after I started 138
working here. He was looking sad and lonely and he offered to drive me, so I caved and said yes. Then we were talking in my drive and he leaned over and kissed me.” She shook out her beautiful, blonde head of hair. “I pushed him back and told him I didn’t want to.” Rolling her eyes, she added, “I think that’s what started him hounding me for a date, until I finally put my foot down.”
She shrugged as she stared at me, like it was no big deal. Closing my eyes, I shook my head and stormed off to the back room. I needed to go some place where another woman that Kellan had been intimately involved with was not. And right now, that meant I had to be alone.