“It really is.” She removes the wand and wipes the gel off my belly before helping me lower my feet and sit up. “You’re brave to come in here on your own. I know this process scares a lot of women.”
There’s a question in her voice that I don’t want to answer. “I didn’t plan on being a single mom.” I’m surprised to hear the admission slip out of me. “But it looks like that’s the way it’s gonna be.”
She gives me a soft smile, more tentative than the ear-to-ear grin she gave when she first entered the room. “Do you want to talk about your options, or—”
“I’m keeping it.”
She nods. “There are resources. I don’t know your financial situation, but through the state we have some programs that—”
“I’ll be fine.” That’s such bullshit. I have a high-deductible insurance that’s essentially only useful in a catastrophic health crisis, a two-bedroom house where the tiny second bedroom is currently acting as my walk-in closet, and a two-door Kia I’m not sure is big enough to carry a car seat. I make okay money, but my income is unpredictable at best and unreliable at worst. While that was fine for a single girl more interested in adventures than a nine-to-five daily grind, it’ll be entirely different when I have a child I have to provide for on my own. “I’m scared,” I confess to the tech.
“That’s normal.” She taps on the keyboard, printing out a few black-and-white images before turning back to me. “These are for you. And I’ll get you some information on our financial assistance programs, and you can see if any of them apply to you.”
“Thank you.” I take the images. “I appreciate it.”
“I’ll get out of here, and you can get dressed. They’ll give you a card for your next appointment on your way out.” She taps a few more times at her keyboard, then leaves the room.
I press my palm to my belly where that tiny human is growing, where his or her heart beats faster than mine but in a rhythm that feels like it’s part of the same song.
What would Colton do if he knew about this baby? Would he promise to never see Molly again? Would he quit the pills for good? Would that be enough for me to take him back?
It wouldn’t change the fact that Molly’s moving home with Colton’s kid, and that on a gut-deep level I’ll never trust him with her. I’m not sure that’s a challenge we can overcome.
And then there’s this thing I feel for Levi. What am I supposed to do about that? Can Levi and I really expect to be together happily? And doesn’t he deserve more than a terrified mother-to-be who can’t separate her fear of ending up like her mom and sister from her feelings for a man she knows would do anything to protect her?
After dressing and checking out, I wander out of the clinic and down the street to Ooh La La! bakery. There’s no comfort food like Star’s cupcakes, so I order one double chocolate and a decaf black tea before taking a seat in the coveted corner booth.
I pull my phone from my purse, and the ultrasound pics come out with it, leaving my little peanut to smile up at me as I call Colton. His phone rings once and clicks over to voicemail. “Hey, it’s Ellie. We need to talk.” I trace the image with my fingertip. “Call me.”
“Is my jerkface brother avoiding your calls?”
I look up at Ava. “He seems to be,” I say as she slides into the booth across from me. I try to smile, but seeing Colton’s sister just makes me feel guilty about what I did with Levi last night. I feel guilty for betraying Colton and guilty for starting something with Levi I’m in no position to pursue when I need to focus on being a mom.
“What’s that?” She takes the ultrasound images from the table and looks at them one by one, her eyes growing teary. “Oh, sweet thing. I can’t wait to meet you.” When she meets my eyes, her tears roll down her cheeks. “Did you go to the appointment alone?”
“I should have called you,” I say, my throat growing thick.
“Next time.”
I nod. “I promise.”
She slides the pictures back to me. “I’m sorry my brother’s been such an idiot. I think he’ll turn around when he learns about this.”
“I hope so.”
“Where’s he staying?”
I shrug. I’ve been trying not to think about that. “With Molly, I assume.”
She shakes her head. “Molly went back to New York yesterday.”
“Well, I slept at home last night and never heard him come in.”
Ava’s phone buzzes, and she frowns down at it. “Crap.”
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“My dad still isn’t home,” she says. “Jill texted to tell me she went to the station to file a missing person report.”
I bite my lip. My problems are pretty big, but not missing person big. “I’m sorry. Did he and Jill have a fight or anything?”
She taps out a quick reply before meeting my eyes. “She doesn’t fight, but I honestly don’t think they’ve had a good relationship for a long time now. Molly and I were hoping she’d leave him.”
“Doesn’t make this any less stressful, though.”
She shrugs. “I’m sure he’ll show up. I mean, his boat isn’t at the marina, so he’s probably out on it somewhere, forgetting that the entire world doesn’t revolve around him and he needs to check in sometimes.” She reaches across the table and takes my hand. “Let’s talk about you. What’s next?”
No matter how scared I am of what comes next, I have to face it head-on. “Next, I tell Colton I’m pregnant.” And that I slept with Levi.
I climb out of my bathtub and check my phone. Still no word from Colton.
“It might just be you and me, kiddo,” I whisper to my belly. I grab my robe off the hook on the wall and shove my arms through the sleeves as I walk out into the living room.
Colton is sitting on my sofa.
“When are you due?” His voice cracks. He’s holding my ultrasound pictures—the little stack of thin paper cradled in both hands, as if the images are as fragile as the child itself.
“The middle of January.” I pull the tie on my robe tighter.
When I got home from my appointment, I decided to run a hot bath and left my purse and the black-and-white images on the coffee table. He must have come home while I was in the tub.
Home. Is this his home anymore?
He lifts his eyes to meet mine, and the pain there makes guilt slice through me. “How could you keep this a secret?”
I open my mouth to say, How could you cheat on me? But I bite back the words. If we fight, we’ll never have the conversation we need to have. “When I first found out I was pregnant, I thought you were about to propose.” I lower myself onto the couch—beside him, but not too close. “I didn’t want to mess it up by telling you. I know it’s stupid, but I wanted the proposal without you knowing about the baby.” It’s the truth, but hearing myself say it out loud makes me feel childish. I should have told Colton weeks ago.
He drags a hand over his face. “That’s not stupid. Not at all. I’m sorry.” He traces the picture with shaking hands. “Christ, I’m so sorry.”
I press a hand against the ache in my chest. It’s no use hoping he might tell me he’d been planning that proposal. We both know he wasn’t. “But instead of proposing, you were pulling away. You and Molly—”
His head snaps up. “There is no me and Molly. There’s never been anything between us. I had a crush on her when we were kids, but she’s my stepsister and that’s it.”
“She’s more than that. She’s the mother of your child. And even if you weren’t sleeping together, don’t sit there and insult me by telling me there’s nothing between you. You two have been involved. Maybe just emotionally, but what you have is something deeper than anything you and I have shared lately.” I swallow, clinging to my courage when it wants to leave me. “That’s not going to go away just because I’m pregnant.”
His lips part as he studies the picture. “I’m pretty sure this changes everything, El.” He lifts his head. “Everything that matters, at least.”