‘Here we are at the super-dooper Heath!’ I said rousingly, pulling into the car park.
Is amazing how everything calms down once one is in the outdoors with blue skies and crisp winter sunshine. Headed for the climbing trees, standing close by as Billy and Mabel hung upside down, motionless, from the conveniently broad, low boughs. Like lemurs.
Wished, for a fleeting second, they were lemurs.
1 p.m. Suddenly had urge to check my Twitter followers and pulled iPhone out to take a look.
1.01 p.m. ‘Mummeee! Mabel’s stuck in the tree!’
Looked up in alarm. How had they got up there in thirty seconds when they’d just been hanging upside down? Mabel was now way up, clinging to the tree trunk like not so much a lemur as a koala, but slithering alarmingly.
‘Hang on, I’m coming.’
I took off my parka and hoisted myself awkwardly into the tree, positioning myself under Mabel and putting a firm hand under her bottom, wishing I hadn’t come in quite such low-rise jeans, and high-rise thong.
‘Mummy, I can’t get down either,’ said Billy who was crouched, wobbling, on a branch to my right like an unsteady bird.
‘Um,’ I said. ‘Hang on.’
I leaned my full weight against the tree, placing one foot on a slightly higher branch to lift me towards Billy and putting my hand on Billy’s bottom, whilst keeping the other hand under Mabel’s bottom, simultaneously feeling the low-rise jeans descending lower over my own bottom. ‘Calm and poised! Just hold on tight and . . .’
None of us could move. What was I going to do? Were we going to be frozen against the tree for ever, like a trio of lizards?
‘Everything all right up there?’
‘Is Mr Wolkda,’ said Mabel.
I peered awkwardly down over my shoulder.
It was indeed Mr Wallaker, running, in sweatpants and a grey T-shirt, looking like he was on an assault course.
‘Everything all right?’ he said again, stopping suddenly below us. He was oddly ripped for a schoolteacher, but staring in his usual annoying, judgemental way.
‘Yes, no, everything’s great!’ I trilled. ‘Just, um, climbing a tree!’
‘Yes, I see that.’
Great, I thought. Now he’ll tell everyone at school I’m a completely irresponsible mother letting the children climb trees. Jeans were now slipping below my bottom-cleavage, my black lacy thong on full display.
‘Right. Good. Well. I’ll be off then. Bye!’
‘Bye!’ I called gaily over my shoulder, then reconsidered. ‘Um . . . Mr Wallaker?’
‘Yeeees?’
‘Could you just . . .?’
‘Billy,’ said Mr Wallaker, ‘let go of your mum, hold onto the branch, and sit down on it.’
I released my frozen arm from Billy and put it round Mabel’s back.
‘There you go. Now. Look at me. When I count to three, I want you to do what I say.’
‘OK!’ said Billy cheerfully.
‘One . . . two . . . and . . . jump!’
I leaned back and nearly screamed as Billy jumped out of the tree. What was Mr Wallaker doing?
‘Aaaaaaand . . . roll!’
Billy landed, did a strange military-style roll and stood up, beaming.
‘Now, Mrs Darcy, if you’ll forgive me . . .’ Mr Wallaker hoisted himself into the lower branches. ‘I’m going to take hold of . . .’ Me? My thong? ‘. . . Mabel,’ he said, reaching his arms past me to put his big hands round Mabel’s plump little form. ‘And you wriggle out and jump down.’
Trying to ignore the exasperating frisson brought on by the scent and closeness of Mr Wallaker, I did what he said and jumped down, trying to pull up the jeans. He took Mabel in one strong scoop of his arm, leaned her on his shoulder and placed her on the grass.
‘I thaid Fuckoon,’ said Mabel, looking at him gravely.
‘I nearly said that, too,’ said Mr Wallaker. ‘But we’re all all right now, aren’t we?’
‘Will you play football with me?’ said Billy.
‘Got to get home, I’m afraid,’ he said, ‘to er . . . the family. Now try to avoid the upper branches.’