‘Nooooo! I want to do Wizard101.’
‘Not goin’ in de car! Want to watch SpongeBob.’
Was suddenly wildly indignant that own children’s values were so entirely off-key, due to American cartoons, computer games and general consumer culture. Had flashback to own childhood, and urge to inspire and teach them with song from the Girl Guides.
‘There are white tents upon the hillside / And the flag is flying freeeee!’ I sang.
‘Mummy,’ said Billy, with Mark-style sternness.
‘There are white tents upon the hillside / And that’s where I long to beeee . . .’ I warbled. ‘Pack your kit, girls! / Feeling fit, girls! / For a life of health and joy!’
‘Thtoppit,’ said Mabel.
‘For it’s off to camp again / In a lorry not a train.’
‘Mummy, stop!’ said Billy.
‘Camp ahoy!’ I finished with a rousing flourish. ‘Camp ahoy!’
Looked down to see them staring at me nervously, as if I was a zombie from Plants versus Zombies.
‘Can I go on the computer?’ said Billy.
Calmly, deliberately, I opened the fridge, reaching for the enormous stash of chocolate-from-Granny on the top shelf.
‘Chocolate buttons!’ I said, dancing about with the buttons in an attempt to mimic a fairy-themed party entertainer. ‘Follow the trail of buttons to see where it leads! Two trails,’ I added, to ward off conflict, laying a careful line of exactly matching chocolate buttons up the stairs and towards the front door, ignoring the fact that tradesmen may previously have trailed dog-poo traces into the carpet.
The two of them obediently trotted up the stairs after me, stuffing the no-doubt-dog-poo-smeared buttons into their mouths.
On the way in the car, I thought about what I should do about the hitting. Clearly, according to French Children Don’t Throw Food, it should be outside the cadre (but then so should putting chocolate buttons in a trail out of the house) and according to One, Two, Three . . . Better, Easier Parenting there should simply be a scorched-earth, zero-tolerance, three-strikes-and-you’re-out Donald Rumsfeld kind of policy.
‘Mabel?’ I said in preparation, as we drove along.
Silence.
‘Billy?’
Silence.
‘Earth to Mabel and Billy?’
They both seemed to be in some sort of trance. Why couldn’t they have had the trance in the house so I could have sat down for a minute and read the Style section from last week’s Sunday Times whilst believing myself to be reading the News Review?
Decided to let the trance just happen: to go with the flow and make the most of any moment of calm to clear my head. It was really quite jolly driving along, the sun was shining, people out and about, lovers in each other’s arms and . . .
‘Mummy?’
Hah! I seized the moment, adopting a statesmanlike, Obama-esque tone. ‘Yes. Now. I have something to say: Billy – and particularly Mabel – hitting is not allowed in our family. And I say to you now: every day when a person doesn’t hit – or jab – they will get a gold star. I say to you: any time a person does hit they get a black mark. And I say to you, as a non-violent person and as your mother: any person who gets five gold stars by the end of the week will get a small prize of their choice.’
‘A Hellvanian bunny?’ said Mabel excitedly. ‘A Fuckoon Family?’
‘Yes, a Raccoon Family,’ I said.
‘She didn’t say Raccoon. She said the F-word. Can I have crowns on Wizard101?’
‘Yes.’
‘Wait. How much is a Raccoon Family? Can I get crowns that are worth the same as a Raccoon Family?’ Mark Darcy the top negotiator in child form. ‘How much money does Mabel lose for saying the F-word?’
‘I didn’t say de F-word.’
‘You did.’
‘I didn’t. I THAID Fuckoon.’
‘How many Wizard101 crowns does Mabel lose for saying the F-word again?’