- THIRTEEN -
LANE -
Now that Raegan and I had broken the proverbial seal, we let loose on one another. Anytime Braden and Kate were down for naps, we jumped all over each other. If they got sucked into playing a game in the nursery, we hid out in the master bathroom, devouring each other’s bodies. Since the kids had officially taken over the bed in the nursery, each night was much of the same for us. I couldn’t get enough. She couldn’t get enough. The past three days have been f*cking phenomenal.
This morning I slipped out at breakfast time to catch a quick run. It was time I started doing more than just the exercises I had been doing around the apartment. Kate was just digging into her eggs and bacon when I swore I would return soon.
I decided to run the bridges, considering those would provide more flow of air than in the city, where the hot, muggy air became trapped amongst the buildings. I ran across the Brooklyn Bridge, up the East river, and cut back down the Manhattan Bridge. It didn’t take me long, but I should have been able to do it much faster.
I pushed through the door with my shirt draped over one shoulder. I wasn’t going to admit that I had taken it off on my way up the stairs because I liked the way Raegan ogled my body, but… it may have been a factor in my actions.
The alarm was still set when I walked in the door, which had made me feel better about leaving them behind for a just a little bit. I knew I couldn’t keep Kate in my sight twenty-four seven, so going for a run today was like ripping off a very painful Band-Aid. But the house was much too quiet for two kids. I sped into the kitchen and sighed in relief when I noticed Raegan’s handwriting on a piece of paper.
We’re just down at the playground. Come join us!
Her underlining the word ‘the’ meant she was at the playground she had refused to return to. I felt proud of her for making that effort, and I felt better about them being right around the corner instead of eight blocks away.
As soon as I shut off the spray of my shower, my phone started ringing. I knew who it was immediately by the ringtone—Audrey. I rushed to pull on my shorts and snatched up the phone before the last verse blasted through the bathroom.
“Hey, doll.”
“I miss you! Are you coming back yet?” she asked, not missing a beat. I smiled when I heard the happiness in her voice.
“I’m about ready. I know we’re all tired of being here.”
“So… all of you will be coming?”
“That’s my plan.”
“How are you getting along with Raegan?”
“Are we playing twenty questions, doll?” I laughed into the phone. “We’re all happy and Raegan and I get along great.”
“Oh God, what did you do?” She dropped her voice and said, “Lane…”
“What?” I chuckled. “I didn’t do anything…” Guilty was my middle name.
“You slept with her!?” she shouted. I had to hold the phone away from my ear at her shrill volume. “Oh my God. You better bring that little princess of yours to Texas so I can hug her and spoil her to death. But also bring Raegan!! I need to meet her!!” The sheer excitement in her voice made me want to backtrack the crazy train this conversation was on.
“You’re getting a bit outrageous.”
“You didn’t deny it! Now why would you put the moves on that poor girl? She must be gorgeous for you to cross that line,” she started to ramble.
“I didn’t cross the line. She did! She came into my shower.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I bit into my tongue harshly. Why the f*ck did I just say that?
“Ohhh… so she’s more like Emerson,” Audrey chuckled with a smile in her voice. Em was our friend back home. During college, she had the reputation of being the promiscuous girl on campus and I’d heard many rumors of how she seduced Jaxon. They’re married now, but they still talk about her philandering days, much to Jaxon’s discomfort.
“No! She’s not like Emerson.” I didn’t want her to think Rae was slutty. That wasn’t what was going on here, and I felt the urge to defend what was happening between us… even though I had no clue.
“Hey! I take offense to that,” I heard Emerson’s voice shout through the line.
Heat rose up in my cheeks. “Audrey…” I growled into the phone. I heard her speaking on the other end of the line, but she must have had the mouthpiece covered because I couldn’t make out her words clearly. Finally, she sounded closer than she had before.
“Sorry, Lane! They just wanted to see how things were with you… and then… the conversation took that turn!”
“They?” God, if the guys were there, I would never hear the end of it.
“Just the girls. Em and Quinn. I swear.”
“Don’t call me on speakerphone anymore,” I grumbled.
“I promise, I won’t. So you really like Raegan, huh?”
“That seems to be the direction it’s going at the moment…” I was over this gossip session. I started walking toward the living room to find my shoes so I could join the people I really needed to be with right now.
“Eek! I’m so excited for you! I can’t wait to squish little Kate in my arms. You have no idea. I dream about it every night.”
“Please, don’t squish my daughter.” I started to chuckle again.
“I can’t help it. I love her so much already, Lane. I seriously can’t believe you just said the word ‘daughter,’” she said, and I heard the hitch in her words.
“Oh, doll, not the waterworks right now please,” I begged. A girl who’s crying is bad. A girl who’s crying over the phone is so much worse because you’re absolutely powerless to help. I needed to divert her. “Hey, can you start doing me some favors?”
“Of course,” she responded.
“Can you start getting my place ready for us to come back? I don’t have anything for two four-year-olds. Well, almost five-year-olds now. I’m gonna need your help, but don’t go overboard!”
“I’m on it!” I started to hear her name off all of the things Raegan and I would potentially need in the house, but the sound of the key turning in the lock redirected my attention.
My body began to perk up at the idea of seeing all of them. I was ready to hug Kate and get back to our chess game. I was ready to finish reading that comic book with Braden. And I was just ready for Raegan, period. Primed and ready to go for anything she wanted from me.
Raegan slammed the door open and I watched as she rushed both Kate and Braden through the doorway in front of her. Something wasn’t right. She had a death grip on both of their hands and didn’t let go as she kicked the door behind them with her foot. Her face was in absolute panic mode.
“Audrey, gotta go,” I quickly bit out, tossing my phone to the couch and rounding it all in the same beat.
With Braden’s hand securely clutched in hers, she reached up and turned the lock. Then I watched as she slumped against the closed door with her eyes tightly sealed. Her breaths were moving raggedly in and out. Her chest was heaving erratically and her obvious discomfort had my own heart rate speeding up.
As far as I could tell, they weren’t harmed, so I tried to keep the calm by walking quickly but with a pace that wouldn’t distress Kate and Braden. I reached over Braden’s head and tapped in the code to arm the alarm system.
“Hey, did you two have fun at the park?” I asked with a bright, forced smile.
“Yeah! Then we raced mommy home!” Kate exclaimed animatedly.
“But mama cheated because she wouldn’t let go of our hands,” Braden laughed while still trying to catch his breath.
I couldn’t even begin to describe how much I admired Raegan in that moment. Whatever was disturbing her, she never let it filter down to the children and that made her the greatest mother I had ever known.
“Okay, go wash your hands, get a drink of water, and then can you guys find some books for me to read?” I asked.
Thankfully, Ash and I had built up a pretty good little library for Kate while Ash was still pregnant. We hit up thrift stores and yard sales every time we saw one, and each time we picked up tons of discounted texts. Happily, they agreed and ran off down the hallway.
Raegan’s eyes were screwed shut and her body was ever so slightly shaking. She had her fist clenched and braced against the door as if she were blocking out all of the evil on the other side.
“Babe,” I whispered, slowly approaching her. “You’re worrying me. What happened?”
Her breath shuddered as she tried to speak, but she was too shaken up. I scooped her up into my arms and moved away from the foyer, closer to the front coat closet. At least over here we were out of eyesight of the kids down the hall.
I slid down the wall so I could sit on the floor and hold her. I began to take deep, steadying breaths in and then slowly releasing them. Over the span of about ten minutes, she started to breathe in time with me. I felt her shaking subside and the racking shudders weren’t so violent anymore. Finally, I sensed the clutch of panic leave me as I felt her take a breath that seemed to be more relief and less anxiety.
My hand ran over her hair and down to her back. The continuous motion seemed to bring her heart rate down to a normal pace. Her nose pushed into the side of my neck and I bent down to kiss her temple—right over her scar. The scar that brought my daughter back to me. I didn’t care how unpleasant Raegan thought it looked, I’d always love it.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” she repeated.
“Don’t ever be sorry. Please, just tell me what happened.”
“I can’t stay in New York, Lane. It’s suffocating me. The buildings and the noise and the people. I can’t breathe…” She said the last word as if she were literally grabbing her next lungful of air.
“Then we’re out of here,” I responded quickly.
“Just like that?” she asked. Her body shifted and she moved her legs so she was straddling my lap while looking up at me.
“Just like that.”
Her arms squeezed around my neck tighter and her lips grazed the skin under my ear. “I ran from an elderly couple,” she whispered, almost silently.
“Come again?”
“There was a couple walking around the playground. For some reason, I just felt like it was them. I know she’s dead, but I got the crazy sense it was her. I grabbed the kids and ran. I’m such a nut case now.”
“It wasn’t her,” I offered gently.
“I understand that now, but—“
“You’re not a nut case. You’re adjusting back to life,” I whispered.
“I ran away from two gray-haired, cane-wielding senior citizens.” A slight chuckle broke through her lips and I knew she was coming back to me…either that or she really was losing it.
“Those old women with canes can be testy,” I jested. She pinched at my side and I grabbed her wrist instantly.
“What is it with you and Audrey pinching my sides?!” I laughed.
“Probably because it’s the only area on your body that actually gives a little bit.”
“Hmm… I’ll have to work on that.”
“You’re ridiculous. If you work on this body anymore, I’ll need my own cane just so I can beat all the women away from you,” she laughed.
I grabbed a hold of her ass in my lap and pulled her even closer to my body. “You claiming me?” The words were practically a growl and I realized our lips were now inches apart.
“Are you saying you’re claimable?” she murmured.
“Depends on the girl…”
“I thought it was just sex.”
“Those were your words, babe. Not mine.”
“I don’t want to just be convenient for you, Lane.” Her eyes shifted away from me, but she continued to speak. “I’m like a mother to Kate so I know she’ll want me around. Kate and Braden love each other so much, and I hope they can always be in each other’s lives. But I feel as if I’m convenient to you, and I don’t want to feel that way. So maybe we shouldn’t…” Her words would have knocked me on my ass if I weren’t already there.
I grabbed a hold of her face and looked directly into her blazing emerald eyes. “The only thing convenient about you is that you’re a woman. Otherwise, you have a saucy mouth, you never let me get away with anything, you jump on problems immediately, you always take the last chip when we share, you hog the covers in bed, sometimes you snore—”
“I do not!” she interrupted.
“Sometimes you snore. And you always use all the hot water. Not to mention, you’re too damn beautiful for your own good.”
“Some of those didn’t sound like problems to me,” she bantered.
“None of those are problems. I just wanted you to know you aren’t convenient. You aren’t easy. I don’t like you because you’re just around. I want you around because of your saucy mouth and the way you attack problems without letting them fester like most girls. I like that you don’t let me get away with anything. I’ll always give you the last chip, and you can take all the hot water you want as long as I can be in the shower with you.”
“You forgot that you like my snoring.” She smiled wide.
“Mmm… debatable,” I teased. As I should have expected, she pinched my side—hard. It only made me laugh. “Okay, you don’t really snore, but you do have this really cute little raspy breathing thing that you start doing sometimes. It’s adorable.”
She crinkled her nose in apparent aversion. “Girls don’t want to be adorable.”
I shrugged my shoulders without care. “Adorable doesn’t mean I still don’t want to f*ck you.”
“Ah, there’s the romantic in you that I adore,” she laughed.
Then, without further thought, she leaned in and pressed her lips to mine. I grabbed the back of her head and pulled her in tighter. Her mouth moved and she pushed her lower lips in between mine. I kept moving my lips against hers, knowing what she was asking for, but not willing to give it just yet.
She whimpered and I broke. I sucked her lip forcefully and then bit down gently on the swollen flesh. Her hips rocked forward and I groaned.
“You have to get off my lap, babe…” I muttered into her mouth.
“I like it here.” As if to show her fondness of her position, she ground into my hardening erection again.
I stood from my position on the wood floor and when I was steady, I made sure she was stable on her feet. Her lower lip jutted out and all I wanted to do was bite down on it. Instead, I ran my index finger across it lightly.
“The tiny search party will be out here soon looking for me. I said I would read to them,” I whispered.
“Later?” she asked.
“You bet your ass, babe.” She smiled, appeased by my words, and I almost moaned at the image of her standing there with a swollen lip and eyes begging me to take her. I stepped back and forced my body to move. I tried to readjust the situation she had given me in my shorts. “No, babe, you are definitely not convenient,” I said as I walked toward the hallway.
I felt a lightness overcome me when I heard her breathy laugh. Before I could make it to Kate and Braden, she called out to me, “Hey, Lane…” When I turned around, she said, “I think I will claim you.”
“’Bout time,” I called back with a wink.
~~~~~~~
Raegan and I had made an effort every night to spend quality time during the last hour before bedtime with Kate and Braden. No television, no phones, no computers allowed. I didn't care if there were dishes overflowing from the sink or a stack of papers three inches high on my desk. It was just the four of us, usually in their ‘temporary’ bedroom. We played board games and colored pictures, but mostly we read books. That seemed to be something the four of us could all agree on. This was the time when I learned the most about them.
As I was tucking Kate in next to Braden that night, she smiled up at me. It was the most peaceful, contented smile I had ever seen.
I touched the edges of her lips and said, “I like that smile.”
She giggled. “Can we always stay together?”
“Of course. Maybe not here in New York, but we’ll always be together.” I thought about Raegan’s panic attack today and knew that we would be leaving as soon as possible.
“Promise?” she asked innocently.
I stumbled on my thoughts and froze on that word. Promise. When she was a baby and I wasn't working, I used to rock her in this very room. I used to whisper promises to keep her safe, happy, and well taken care of. Promises that were broken. Now I knew that promises like that were out of my control, so how could I make an empty guarantee like that again?
“I love you, Kit-Kat. Tomorrow, we can go back to that museum you and Braden love, okay?” Thank God four-year-olds were easily distracted.
She smiled widely and turned to look at Braden, who had the same look of excitement on his face.
“Night guys,” I whispered. Raegan leaned over them and gave them each a kiss before following me out of the room.
“Lane, what happened in there?” she asked when we reached the living room.
“You don't want to go to the museum tomorrow? Sorry, that’s one of those things where I should have asked you first, huh?”
“You know that’s not what I’m talking about. You froze up.” She had caught on to that… of course she had. Raegan didn’t let anything slide.
I let out a sigh. “The last time I made promises, I broke them. Every single one of them. I can’t do that to her again. I know she was only a baby, but it meant something to me.”
“Lane, none of that was your fault. You didn't break those promises. She just wants reassurance that you aren't going anywhere.”
“Yes, and I plan on showing her that. I don't need to give any false promises, though. I won’t lie to her every again.”
Raegan sighed in defeat, although I knew it was only temporary. But for now, it seemed, she would leave me to my demons. She left my side and walked toward the kitchen, while I plopped down on the sofa to think about this new parenting gig and the vast responsibilities that had been given back to me.