Saturday, May 23, 2009
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT to say or think. Everything felt surreal.
I woke up at my mom and dad's house, the morning of my wedding, and simply went through the motions.
My mother was already in the shower. It was five a.m. I only had Micah and a few cousins standing up with me as bridesmaids. My mother having taken the helm of the wedding ship shortly after it began, took it upon herself to nominate them. I went along and asked. They said yes. Everyone was happy.
We were all getting ready here at nine.
Micah and Cory drove up with Deb, Casey and Cory's mom. She came to help them with Foster since he was still so tiny. I told Micah that it was silly for her to come all this way after just having him, but she wouldn't hear of it.
They were staying at a hotel nearby, which I think made both Micah and Cory feel much better.
My dad asked, “Blake, what's on your mind?” as I drank my first cup of coffee in my pajamas.
“Oh, stuff,” I said, blowing air across the hot mug.
“Anything you want to run by your old dad?” he said, reading the paper.
“I don't think so,” I told him, taking a seat next to him, grabbing the entertainment section.
“It's your wedding, Blake. It's perfectly normal to feel nervous or anxious,” he offered. “You got some cold feet?”
“I don't know. I don't know if they were ever really all that warm,” I admitted.
My father put his paper down, folded it, and placed his mug down on top.
“Talk,” he said.
I took a few breaths, tried to organize my thoughts so that I didn't sound like a maniac. Like the selfish little bitch I was. Then, I told the truth.
“I don't know if this is right. I don't know if Grant is the one.” My eyes started to burn and I rubbed them, trying to pass off the action for early morning grogginess.
“Why not? Don't you love him?”
“I do. But sometimes it feels like it's missing something.”
“Like what?” he asked sympathetically.
“Like me.” My f*cking lip started to quiver, so I hid it by taking a drink.
“Well, I hate to break it to you, baby doll, but today is your wedding day. It would be devastating if you weren't there.”
“I'm not saying that.”
“I think I know what you're saying. So, hear me out. You don't feel like yourself when you're with Grant? Is that it? Like you're someone else?”
“Yes. What does that mean?” I took another sip.
“Do you ever feel like you’re yourself, Blake? Or is it only around him?”
It was pathetic. My dad probably thought I was having some sort of stress-induced psychotic break. When in reality, I was freaking out because deep down I didn't want to marry Grant.
“Can I tell you a secret?” I whispered.
He nodded, giving me his full attention.
“I've not been totally faithful to Grant. I know it's bad, and before you think I'm terrible, just know that I feel so bad about it. But, Daddy, if I loved him the way I should then I wouldn't have done that, right?”
“Is it over with the other guy?” he asked.
“I think so. I broke it off. Lots of times. I knew it was wrong, but dad—” I didn't know where to go from there.
“Do you love him?” he asked.
“I don't know.” Then I noticed that tears were already falling. “I never let myself think like that. You know. I never let myself think that that was even a possibility. But Daddy, I'm me with him.”
“Shhh, don't cry. Is it that boy with the hair?” he asked and it surprised me. How did he remember that?
“Yeah, how did you know?”
“Baby, dads know. You got to tell me though. Right now. Are you going to get married today? I'm behind you. Whatever you decide. But Grant is a good man. He loves you. He wants to take care of you and make a life together. Are those things you want? Because as a dad, that's a pretty good son-in-law package. I don't know this other guy. I'm sorry. I wish I had met him, and then I might be a better judge. But anyone who could let my little girl go is a fool. And he doesn't deserve you. Come here.”
I went to him and cried on his shoulder. I sat on my dad’s lap feeling the truth in what he'd said. He walked away from me so many times. Grant never would.
If I left Grant and went with Casey today, I might be heartbroken again by the end of the week. I had no way of knowing.
It was time for me to grow up.
It was time for me to finally do the right thing.