Sunday, April 26, 2009
SO, I LEFT.
And then I left again. I didn't have to work, but I couldn't be in town. I wouldn't be able to hide from her. I was sure we'd run into each other at the hospital. I'd called Cory that night as I re-packed a fresh bag and told him I was leaving.
“Why don't you finally stick around and fight for her,” he'd said.
“She doesn't want me to.”
“How does she know? I don't think she knows what she wants because you've never shown her what she could have. Man, you chased this girl all over the country for the last year, but you never came out and told her what you really wanted. What was she supposed to think? For a year, you pretended like it was okay she was with this other dude, and now it’s not. That’s convenient.”
“I've got to go,” I told him. I knew on some level that he was right, but f*ck him for saying it after it was too damn late.
“You do that. Come see your Godson when you get home. And your mom. You can't run all the time.”
His words were spot on. Run. That was what I was doing, but I honestly didn’t know how to stay.
He was irritated at me and had every right to be. I didn't know what else to do.
I flew to St. Louis. It was the next flight out when I arrived back at the airport for the third time that day.
I drank a belly full at the Adam's Mark. The bar was big and full. There had been a Cardinals game and I was surprised that for midnight on a Sunday night it was still that busy. They had won and the place looked like Times Square on New Year’s Eve.
I didn't go home that week. I was supposed to have a few days off, but I spent them in St. Louis walking around downtown and sitting on a barstool wherever I found one.
Days went by, I jumped back into my regular routine.
Work.
Sleep.
Dream.
Blake.
Then I did it all over and over again.
Money rolled in, I was officially a partner in the company. The new building was up and running, and I was keeping them busy writing new deals with clients and increasing the shipments with customers we’d already won over.
As May 23rd crept closer and closer, I battled with myself.
On May 3rd, I decided it was bullshit. I hated her and at least she wasn't marrying me with her cheating ass. Then, I rationalized that I knew better.
On May 4th, I Googled How To Stop A Wedding. That was interesting reading.
I went back and forth, over and over in my head.
Text her. Call her. I did none of those things.
On May 11th, I decided I had to lay it all out there. Had to give it one last shot. Otherwise I was never going to climb out of this funk.
On May 22nd, I rented a car, figuring that by the time I got to her, I'd know what to say.