Saturday, October 11, 2008
I TOLD TROY SHE was mine, but the truth was, I belonged to Blake. She could toss me out anytime she wanted, but I couldn't do the same to her.
Her taking that call earlier did things to me. It made me livid and jealous and made me realize, again, that she wasn't mine.
It wasn't a good time to talk about it, but I needed to relieve some of this tension I was drowning in. The music was loud, so bent down closer to her and I spoke into her ear.
“What are we doing, Blake?”
I felt her smile against my cheek. “I think we're dancing.”
“You know what I mean.”
She pulled away and met my eyes with hers. They looked so big, magnified by the shading and makeup I wasn't used to seeing her wear.
“You know what we’re doing. We're having fun.” She smiled, but it slid off her face when I didn't smile back.
“What am to you?”
“Casey?” She looked worried. But I didn't care. I wanted something. I wanted her to say something to me to let me know that what I was feeling wasn't f*cking insane.
“F*cking tell me the truth. You can lie to everyone else, but right here, right now, just tell me what this is?” My mouth overloaded how I wanted that to come out. Immediately, she grew rigid in my arms. I'd made her uncomfortable, but I was uncomfortable, too. And maybe for the first time she would actually deal with it.
I knew that she'd just frozen up and left me. She was in my arms, but I'd pushed her into a corner that Blake couldn't handle.
“We f*ck, Casey. We talk on the phone and we f*ck. Is that what you want me to say?” Our bodies were pulling apart, mostly hers from mine.
“A really long one-night stand, huh?” I joked sardonically.
“Yep,” she shouted over the music, I could see her temper beginning to surface like mine. She continued, “That's what men like you want isn't it, Casey? F*ck and run?”
She was trying to rile me up.
Falsely I admitted, “F*ck and run sounds kind of nice right about now.”
“I couldn't agree more,” she deadpanned.
I scanned the club, for what I needed, and saw what I was looking for. “Well, I don't want to waste any more of your time.” I grabbed her hand and practically pulled her through the mob of bodies that congregated on the dance floor.
Walking us down a long hall, I turned every door handle as we passed them. She didn't put up any resistance. When one turned, I peeked my head in, didn't hear anything and then pulled us both inside. I moved her so she was wall and I locked the door.
It was dark. There wasn't even enough light for my eyes to adjust. That was fine though. I was making a point. And if I had to watch her face as I did it I would have surely backed out.
I unbuttoned the sexy-as-f*ck green number she was wearing and batted her hands away when they came up to my chest.
“Stop,” I said quietly, making sure to keep as much emotion out of my voice as possible. I didn't want to frighten her. I wanted her to know exactly what she was asking for when she'd suggested this. When she made this something that it wasn't—at least for me, it wasn't.
With all of the buttons released, I pushed the straps off her shoulders and the whole thing fell to her feet. I felt her try to push her body against mine, but I backed away. I flipped her small frame and she faced the wall. She trembled under my hands.
“Blake, are you scared?” I had to know. Yes. I wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine, but I didn't want to cross a line. She didn't answer. So I leaned into her and pressed my forehead into the back of her hair. “I don't want to hurt you. You make me crazy. I want you to know how I feel.” Her ass pushed into my cock and I realized she wasn't shaking out of fright. It was lust. Maybe this really was what she wanted.
So be it.
“You want me to f*ck you like this, don't you? You've been begging for it all weekend.” I had to admit, the fact that she was responding to this made me feel powerful and mighty. Like I actually called the shots for a second.
“Say it. Tell me to f*ck you, Blake,” I growled as I pressed myself hard into the back of her. Her thong-parted ass cheeks felt like they were ten degrees hotter than my hand. I was still fully clothed and decided I would remain that way.
I unlatched my belt, one button, and unzipped my fly. I pulled myself free and ran the length of myself down her delicate ass. I slipped my hand from behind between her legs and found her soaked-through panties. When my hand met her p-ssy, she whimpered, “Please, Casey.”
I moved the silk aside and pushed two fingers deep inside of her. Her sharp inhale told me she wasn't expecting it. It was thrilling.
“Not what I want to hear.” I moved them in and out and stroked her already clenching core. Then I pulled them from her, leaving her panting and circling her hips in my absence.
“F*ck me,” she said, but it was so quiet that I could have missed it if the room wasn't so still and I wasn't so focused on her body.
“Louder, I don't think you mean it.” I moved in closer to her, pressing her to the wall with my hip and rocked my hips to tease her. My hands found her breasts full and her nipples hard. I squeezed them both at the same time and she bucked.
“F*ck me,” she said, but she was still holding back. My hips began rocking into her, mimicking the motions I so badly wanted to act out. I put my mouth on her neck and sucked, making sure not for too long or in the same place.
“Please, Casey.” Her frustration was evident in her plea. “F*ck me!”
Those were the magic words and she shouted them in earnest.
She panted, “F*ck. Me. Just f*ck me.”
I kicked her legs farther apart with my left foot and clutched one of her ass cheeks while I positioned myself at her opening. Then plunged in.
I didn't wait for her to relish in the sensation too long though. Partly because my dick was about to explode from the scene that was playing out, and also because I needed to f*ck her as bad as she wanted me to. But most of all, I wanted to make my point.
I slammed into her over and over. She came and then came again on a fast loop. She met me with every thrust. Saying my name and screaming, knowing that no one was going to hear her. Her voice filled my head and my world was consumed with her. I didn't let up. I was merciless. Pushing into her that last time, I heaved my cock with punishing force and came harder than knew I was possible. My screams harmonized with hers.
For good measure, I surged forward one last time before I pulled myself out. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a fifty-dollar bill.
“Use this to get back to the hotel.” I slipped it under her hand that was still plastered against the wall. Blake's breathing was labored and I'm sure she was still in that twilight head-space between sex and thereafter.
I kissed her shoulder.
“This is a f*ck and run. Now you know the difference, honeybee.”
I slammed the door when I left.
I fought my instincts and didn't go back to make sure she was okay. I hoped I’d opened her eyes to how she was falsely labeling what we were. I didn't know what the exact term for us was, but I knew f*cking and running wasn't what we'd been doing. And now she would, too.
I met Troy at the bar and told him I was leaving. He decided to stay.
“Blake's still here. But I'm out.”
He shook his head mockingly at me.
“This was her call, Troy. I've got to go. Make sure she gets back to the hotel. Would you?”
“Oh, I'll make sure all right,” he said like a snake, but I knew he wasn't.
“If you weren't my best friend…” I pointed at him, adrenaline coursed wildly through my veins from the lesson—I hoped—I gave the girl who I’d rather be leaving with.
“What? If I weren't your best friend I wouldn't have to watch you do this? I wouldn't see how she's got you so twisted up? Yeah, if I weren't your best friend I'd probably have a fat lip right now. But I am you best friend and I'd rather have the fat lip than feel how you're going to when this all falls apart.” Troy got in my face, chest swelled and eyes dilated.
I didn't want to fight him. I was already in a war with myself.
I turned and left.
I went back to the hotel and changed rooms. I didn't want to see her. I turned off my phone.
I needed space. I needed time to think.
I needed to wrap my head around the one fact that I hadn't let myself think about the whole weekend. The thing that was making this paralyzing pain sharper in my chest.
She was f*cking engaged and she never even mentioned it to me. She was going to marry him.
I left the next morning and went to the airport for no good reason. My flight didn't leave for four more hours. I sat there and watched the planes come and go. My mind was a labyrinth.
If I go this way what will happen? If I do that will it even make a difference?
I wasn't getting anywhere no matter which way I spun it. She was with him and I still wanted her.
I powered up my phone after having it off after the club. I needed to make sure Troy knew I was already there.
Honeybee: I get it. I'm sorry.
Honeybee: You didn't answer your door so I guess you're asleep. See me in the morning? Please?
Honeybee: I said I was sorry. I meant it. You're being a little dramatic, Lou.
Honeybee: My flight leaves in an hour. I'm in the lobby.
Honeybee: This hurts. Stop it.
That was the one that got me. I think her plane left at eight that morning, ours didn't take off until two. She was long gone.
Me: Why didn't you tell me you were engaged? When did it happen?
I got a coffee and put my ear buds in, she was still in the air somewhere over Colorado I was guessing. I sat there for a few more hours. I tried not to think.
I just listened. But I'll be damned if every single song I heard didn't sound like it was written specifically for what was running through my mind. Fast songs, the slower more melodic ones, they all related.
Was that how my life was going to be from now on? Could I even take what she had to give me at face value anymore?
Did I even have a choice?
Later that night, I finally started to make some kind of peace with it all.
Something fowl had died in my refrigerator while I'd been on the road and I'd spend the better part of the evening aggressively cleaning out the putrid appliance. When I was walking in from taking the trash out my phone rang.
It was her.
I looked at the ceiling for the answers, but then I realized they weren't there. They were on the other end of that call. I connected the call, but my voice didn't kick in in the normal way it should.
“Casey? You there?” she asked not knowing if the call had gone through.
I walked to my recliner, sat down and leaned back. “Yeah. I'm here.”
“I didn't think you'd answer. I'm really sorry.” That was all good and well, but her apology didn't fix anything.
“What do you have to be sorry for, Blake?” I ran my hand through my hair and sighed in exasperation. “The whole thing sucks.”
“I know.” Her voice cracked, something I hadn't heard before. “For me, too. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.”
“When did you get engaged? How long ago?”
“July,” she said quietly. “The day Aly messaged me and told me I was a nobody.” She sounded liked she'd been scolded for stealing cookies and was trying to plead her case.
My head pounded.
My eyes shut and tightened.
The day Aly messaged her? Wait. I'd seen her after that.
“I saw you in July.” My voice was cool, my emotions were anything but. It had to be a coincidence. The two couldn't be connected. “Why didn't you say something then?”
“I don't know,” she bellowed through the receiver.
I couldn't hold in my frustration any more. “Yes, you do. Why? Why didn't you tell me?”
“I didn't want it to stop. I didn't want you to, I don't know, ignore me.” She sighed.
“What do you want? Because you're confusing the f*ck out of me.”
The line was quiet, but I could hear her moving on the other end. It sounded like she was tapping something. It was the only tip I had that told me she was still there.
Tap-tap-tap.
Tap-tap-tap.
“I told you. I don't know,” she said.
Again it sounded like the truth, but what did I know about her truths? What did I know about her at all?
I knew her nose lit up when she was turned on. I knew she had a temper to rival the one I was growing into. I knew that every time I was around her she consumed me. I was back at square f*cking one.
“Are you really going to marry him?” I had to know. If she was, then what was all of this for?
She sniffed. “Do you want this to end, Casey? I know it's messed up and that I'm messed up. But for now, can't we just have fun? I don't know what I want.”
“Then why did you tell him yes?” I'd lost my temper.
“Because! I did! You had a girlfriend. We had a one-night stand, for Pete's sake. I've been with Grant a long time. He had just bought me a damn house! That day, when Aly said those things, I didn't know what to think. She obviously knew we were talking. I didn't know what to believe, then Grant took me to the house and proposed. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.” Her voice had escalated to shouting, but then it lowered again when she continued. “But now…now I don't know.”
It was messed up. She was right. If I would have just dead-bolted my hotel door. If I would have told Marc that I wanted to take the trip alone. If she would have called me like she said she would and told me about what happened.
If.
If.
If.
IF!
Still, she wasn't married yet and she was talking to me. And she didn't know what she wanted. There was still hope. Still a chance that maybe she wanted me. We still had time.
“It's okay.”
“It's not okay, Casey.”
“It will be. We don't have to talk about that. Not now.”
“We don't?” She sounded hopeful, relieved.
“Well, you're not off the hook yet, honeybee.”
She mock-laughed, a small nervous chuckle vibrated through the phone. Then Blake said, “I feel awful.”
“I don't.” I kind of did. I shouldn't have lied, little and white as it was, but I wanted her to talk to me. The sex part was crazy hot, and her body made my rational thinking quite the opposite, but there was just something about her. Her wit. Her charm. Her.
And to actually tell the f*cking truth he was a fool. What kind of man, who had a girl like my Blake, wouldn’t feel the need to light her up, to get her eyes shining like I'd seen? If he wasn't doing that, and clearly he wasn't, otherwise what was she getting from me? You know? Like why the hell didn't he spend every moment playing and kissing and f*cking showing this girl a good time?
Was mediocre really all what she wanted? We had more than that, didn’t we?
I knew what she wanted. She wanted a thrill.
I was her thrill. I wasn't her boyfriend, and I wasn't her fiancé. I was a spark. Something that excited her; something that made her bones hum with life. And if that was the kind of thing she wanted—because I sure as hell did—then I'd give it to her.
I'd show her. She'd see it, eventually.
I didn't know about marriage or houses or even how a real relationship worked.
But I was positive that I wanted her the same f*cking way people wanted summer in February and how dogs want their bellies rubbed. Naturally. Lighting her up came naturally to me.
We spoke for a little longer, after pausing for the dust to settle, and it was almost like nothing had happened. We argued and laughed. She told me that she didn't like the old Star Wars as much as the new Star Wars and so I hung up on her.
She called right back just to hang up on me.
I called her back and we talked for another two hours. I told her about the time I flipped a golf cart my junior year in high school, after I drank too much, and broke my collarbone.
She told me about how her best friend from high school, Kari, had a ferret who bit her every time she tried to enter her friend's bedroom. It got so bad that she wouldn't go over there anymore.
So her friend had to come over to her house to hang out. It didn't sound so interesting until she got to the part where her friend and her oldest brother started dating and eventually got married. She'd began the story with, “Want to hear the story about how a ferret got my brother married?”
Who could say no to that?
Before I got off of the phone with her that night, I said, “I want to do this, if you want to do this.”
She yawned and said, “I want to do this.”
Then we hung up for real.
Tuesday, November 4th, 2008
Me: I'm coming to Seattle to see Audrey. She's homesick and I set up a few meetings?
Honeybee: When?
Me: Next weekend through the beginning of the week.
Honeybee: I'll be in town.
Me: I'll be in you.
Delete.
Me: Maybe we can meet up?
Honeybee: Sure.
Audrey was homesick, for her sister, not for me.
Sure, she loved me, but Audrey and our younger sister Morgan were almost inseparable. Since Audrey left for school, Morgan had begged me to take her for the weekend to see her and I had a few new customers in the city I could visit, so it worked out.
It had also been a while since I’d seen Blake and I wanted to.
Like really wanted to.
We'd re-implemented the she'll text me first in the evenings policy.
I hated it. I hated thinking about it and sometimes when I was in a particularly dicky mood about it I'd text her back that I was busy and that I'd text her later.
I always felt like I'd shown her.
Then I'd realized that what I really wanted was to talk to her and that I was the one postponing it. Then I'd give in, twenty minutes later, and text her back.
I couldn't help it.
Monday, November 10th, 2008
Honeybee: What is a four-letter word for idle or proud? How was your day?
Me: Good. Signed contracts with two wineries today. Wine drinkers like beer, I guess.
Honeybee: It's for their husbands. If there is beer then the guy will go. You're saving marriages, Lou. Bravo.
I guessed that would be good for my karma, since I was doing my damnedest to prevent one.
Me: Makes sense. How was your day?
Honeybee: I made the best tartar sauce on the planet. So, not bad.
Me: Vain.
Honeybee: Okay, maybe not the best tartar sauce, but it was good. Everyone liked it.
Me: No. Your word. It's VAIN.
Honeybee: Oh. Good. I was like 'my sauce rocks, f*cker.'
Me: LOL. Your sauce rocks.
Friday, November 14th, 2008
Me: Picking up Morgan and catching a plane. Text me later?
Honeybee: Safe travels.
Morgan was so excited. It was crazy how different my two younger sisters were and how much they loved each other. Morgan, Ms. Optimism Fix The World, and Audrey, Ms. I Can Paint A New, Prettier World, couldn't have been less alike. Where Morgan followed the rules, Audrey followed her heart. A scholar and an artist, and two best friends.
Sure, they each had their own best friends, but for the most part they were so close. They rarely fought, which we all thought was strange. Cory and I fought like the north and south in high school at times.
On the flight, Morgan told me about how many of her classes were weighted how she'd actually graduate in December, but that she'd still walk with her class in March.
“I'll start college this winter actually.”
“Are you serious? No break?”
“I just had a break in the summer and there will be Christmas break in between. It won't really change anything, I'll still live at home with Mom and Dad. I'll just go to City College for classes instead of Balboa High. It'll give me a jump start for my freshman year,” she explained.
My little, baby sister was about to start college. That was weird. “Will you leave after that?” I should have encouraged her to go out into the world, like I had Audrey, but Morgan was the baby. I selfishly wanted her to stay at Dad and Carmen's for another few years.
She shrugged.
“I haven't decided. I might just stay in the Bay. Go to UCSF. It's ridiculous to pay for out of state college when I have amazing schools in my backyard. I can live at home and save even more money. I could volunteer more that way.”
I looked at my little sister like she was a tap-dancing pigeon. She laughed at my expression as we were touching down in Seattle.
“It's called growing up, Casey. I want to be a responsible adult.” Her face was so genuine and proud. It was amazing watching these two girls turn into such cool young women. Audrey was at art school, passionate and driven by her every feeling.
Morgan was motivated by her conscience.
“Have a little fun, too. Okay? You're making me look bad,” I teased as I helped her get her carry-on out of the over-hear compartment.
“I will, Casey.”
As we walked through SeaTac to find Audrey, who was meeting us there, I powered my phone back up.
Honeybee: I'm at the Hotel Max.
Me: What? I thought you were in town?
Morgan was planning on staying with Audrey and I was going to get a room near campus. In my head, I imagined that I'd see Blake. Get a coffee or take a walk or something. It sucked to think that I'd missed her.
Missing her was a full-time job.
Honeybee: I am. I'm at the Hotel Max. It's near Cornish.
Oh, shit. I was wrong. She hadn't left. She'd got a room.
“Yes!” I shouted as we walked from our terminal to baggage claim. I even did the fist-pump victory move, usually only reserved for scoring in sports. But it finally felt like I'd won something. She took a step toward me, and on her turf nonetheless. There was finally a point on the us side of the scoreboard and that was one less for them.
“What is that all about?” Morgan said, rubber-necking to see her brother acting like a fool in the airport. Her curly, blonde ponytail swinging as she teetered between watching where we were going, for the both of us, and looking at me for a clue as to what was so awesome.
“I'm meeting up with...my friend,” I answered her finally.
Her face looked skeptical, but she smiled. “Must be some friend.”
Me: I'm going to have dinner with the girls then I'll be there. What room?
Honeybee: 1002
Dinner could not have gone any damn slower. I loved my sisters, but they were in their own world talking about people I didn't know and things I didn't much care about. Well, I might have if I didn't know that a woman I'd been dreaming about was waiting for me only minutes away. In a hotel room.
I don't know why Blake did it, but I wasn't about to question it.