He put his hand beneath the heavy fall of my hair on the back of my neck and bent down so that he could kiss me on the forehead. It felt like a good-bye, and when I looked up into his face I could see that the affable mask he had been wearing for dinner was gone and the granite stranger was back. All the questions I had about his odd behavior suddenly disappeared under sharp waves of pain as I saw what he was about to do laid out clearly in the depths of his dulled gaze.
“I can’t do this, Royal.” He brushed his lips along the ridge of my cheek and I saw the light go from dim to completely extinguished in his eyes. “No games, no lying, no more. I told you this was going to self-destruct even if I didn’t want it to.”
“What are you talking about?” I was so lost, so confused, and I could tell if he walked away from me right now he was doing it for good. “Can’t do what anymore?” I didn’t know if pressing him to meet my mom had been too much. Maybe it was too far in the realm of serious relationship for him to handle, but I was willing to grab his hand and run out of the town house with him if it would stop him from doing what he was about to do.
I went to grab his arm but he shook me off and headed out of the room toward the front door. I chased after him, angry and baffled beyond belief.
“Asa, what are you doing? Where are you going?” I mean we were in Littleton and I was the one that had driven.
He stopped at the front door and turned around to look at me. If heartbreak had an expression it would be the one that was dancing across his features at that very moment. “I never really thought I’d be able to sacrifice something for the good of someone else ever in my entire life. I guess I really have changed.”
I felt like I was going to cry. “I don’t understand. Is this because I asked you to meet my mom?” Maybe I had pushed him too far into the territory of what a real relationship looked like and this was his way of pushing back.
“I know you don’t understand and I hope you never do. You deserve better, Royal. You always did.”
He didn’t answer me about my mom, but I saw something hot spark in his eyes. I put a hand to my chest, where I felt like my heart was trying to fly out of my rib cage. I deserved better than what? Him? There was no such thing as far as I was concerned. “I’m in love with you.” My voice broke because he still pulled the door open and looked at me over his shoulder as he did it.
“I know you are. That’s why I’m walking out this door.” With that, he vanished out the front door and left me standing there stunned and dumbfounded.
I stared silently at the door for a solid ten minutes before my mom came to find me. When she did, I was rooted to the spot, shaking, and had fat, hot tears sliding silently down my face.
“Royal?” She put a hand on my shoulder and I jolted. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself because right then I needed a hug like I needed my next breath. When I looked at her, I swore guilt and relief were warring with each other on her face.
“Asa just left.” She nodded a little, understanding that I meant he left more than just this disastrous dinner.
“Didn’t he ride here with you?”
I turned to look at her, words stuck in my throat as emotion swirled and twisted inside of me so turbulent I felt like it was going to pull me apart. “He left me, Mom.” My voice cracked as I said it and she made a noise of sympathy and reached out to put a hand lightly on my shoulder.
“Well, we both know men do that, honey. They leave. Especially men that look like him that have the devil and temptation in their eyes.”
I frowned hard at her. I knew “perusing” Asa had a big probability of heartache attached to it, but for some unknown reason I was really starting to think we were going to beat the odds.
I cut my gaze toward my mother and asked her in a voice that was threatening to crack with sadness, “Why were you acting so weird around him tonight?” Everything inside of me was screaming at me to chase after him, to call him, to beg him to explain to me what in the hell was going on.
She harrumphed and patted me awkwardly where her hand rested. “I didn’t like the looks of him for you. Something about that face just screams more trouble than he’s worth. I’ve made enough mistakes in the men department for both of us, Royal. Trust me when I say you’re better off without a man like that holding on to your heartstrings.”
“That’s ridiculous and judgmental. You don’t even know him.” He was so much more than a pretty face. The complexities that lived under his artful fa?ade were anything but attractive and that’s what I liked the most about him. His ugliness made him even more beautiful.
“I know men like him and have been victimized by a pretty face more than once in my times, Royal. Your father didn’t win me over with sweet words and grand gestures. He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen and that blinded me to the fact he was married and everything else that was wrong with our relationship. You can do so much better for yourself. I wouldn’t tell you that if I didn’t think it was true, honey. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.”
I hiccuped on a sob that was trying to force its way out and had to blink to see through the tears that were clinging to my lashes. I hated that both of them had suddenly decided that there was something better out there in the world for me than what I wanted … which was him. “I don’t want better. I want him and he does make me happy, mostly because he lets me make him happy.”
She said my name again, but I was in a daze. There were clues I knew I was missing, a trail of breadcrumbs leading to my broken heart, but I couldn’t focus on anything other than the pain I was feeling to try and follow them. I was shattered, and when I wasn’t I knew I was going to be absolutely furious with myself for taking such a big risk when I knew the outcome was bound to destroy me.
I opened the door Asa had just exited my life through and walked numbly to my car. I wanted to do this night all over again. I wanted to smack Asa in the face for causing a disastrous end to our union simply because he couldn’t help himself. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me this was all a bad dream.
I was going to Dom and then I was going to break down in a blubbering mess to try and figure out how things had gone so horribly wrong in the blink of an eye.
CHAPTER 17