“Will you stay with me awhile, or do you have somewhere to be?”
My whisper hangs in the dimly lit room, the words so low I’m worried he didn’t hear them.
“Somewhere is where you are, my lady.”
His voice is like a caress; it brushes softly down my spine, until every knotted nerve within me begins to loosen and liquefy. Until all my body wants to do is finally let go. I’m tired of holding on so tight when everything has already fallen apart.
“Can room service bring us any Abyssthe?” I ask when he’s in front of me again. “Or that Geminin drug?” I’m only half joking.
Hysan frowns as he registers the heaviness in my gaze. “What’s happened? Something’s changed from before.”
“My heart stopped beating,” I gasp between waves of emotion, “and I can’t feel anything anymore.” I won’t tell him I’m an orphan now, like him. I won’t say those words yet.
Instead, I move closer, until all that’s between us is the lumpy knot of my robe, pressing against my waist.
“You be my drug then,” I say, looking into those green eyes. “Make me feel something . . . while we still can.”
“You’re sure?” he whispers, his breath soft against my skin. He combs his fingers through my hair. “You’re not afraid?”
“Of you?”
“Of crossing a line. I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret.” His stare scans my face like a laser, and I wonder if I even need to speak my answer, or if he’s already found it.
“I don’t have many lines left to cross,” I whisper. “And this one hardly seems like the worst.”
My friends on Elara are gone. Millions more Cancrians have died since. Virgos, too. Dad, Mathias’s sister, Deke’s sisters, Kai’s parents . . . I can’t stop any of it. Ochus is too powerful to avoid or defeat, and he’s bound to destroy me, too.
After all, I’m at the top of his death list. Any moment I’m going to go like the rest of them, and I’ve barely lived. My world’s axis is off-kilter, and I can’t set it right.
Other than Nishi, I’ve never cared for anything or anyone that wasn’t Cancrian before. Hysan is wrong for me in so many ways—the Taboo, the innate differences between us, the timing. And, of course, Mathias. But that’s how I know this is right. Because it isn’t something I should or need to do—for the first time since becoming Guardian, I’m doing something I want.
Fingers shaking, I clumsily undo the knot around my robe, until the white belt falls limp on either side. The robe’s curtains sway a little, leaving the slightest sliver of space between them.
Hysan plants his hands on my hips, but he doesn’t remove my robe. Instead, he leans in until my eyes naturally close, and I feel his lips brush mine. “I’ll do anything you want,” he whispers, his voice husky. “You set the rules.”
My heart’s beating too quickly to speak again.
What a strange way to discover I’m still alive.
I dated a little at the Academy—but I’ve never been kissed like this before. When Hysan’s mouth meets mine, it’s like he’s discovered a new flavor, something foreign and delicate, and he’s savoring the taste. His lips are gentle and curious, yet experienced, and the more carefully he kisses me, the stronger my desire for him builds.
I shiver when his hands slip beneath the robe and trace my hipbones. His fingers feel light and velvety on my skin, and I gasp as they travel up my sides, curving in with my waist and grazing the sides of my breasts. When he reaches my shoulders, his hands slide down along my arms, shedding off the white robe entirely.
It falls to a soft heap on the floor, leaving me naked, save for the necklace Sirna gave me. I’ve never stood like this in front of a boy before. I feel every cell in me constricting with shame and fear, my face burning what must be a brilliant crabshell red, and I get the urge to cover myself back up—
“You’re so beautiful, Rho,” whispers Hysan, touching the pearl on my necklace, cutting off my thoughts. I forget to be self-conscious when I see the openness in his face. He’s vulnerable, too.
“I’ve never met anyone like you,” he murmurs into my neck, “and I’m crazy about you.”
A shot of something new spikes my blood. In this moment, I don’t feel like a girl or a Guardian or a teenager or an Acolyte or like any person I’ve been before.
For the first time, I feel like a woman.
I never even knew there was a difference.
Hysan takes off his gray coveralls, removes a wrapper from a pocket, and then eases me onto the bed. The sight of protection suddenly makes what’s happening real.
As I lie back, his hands come down on either side of me, and his arm muscles bulge as his body presses down. I couldn’t be more aware that the only clothes between us are his boxers.
“Hysan . . .”
He looks at me, his messy hair falling over his golden face and soft eyes. “Rho, we can stop if you’d like—”