“Cute I’ll give ya. Beautiful? Not buying it.” I shook my head at him. He chuckled before dunking and coming back up. He slicked back his hair. I looked away for my own sanity.
I pointed out to the platform. “Come on, let’s get out for a bit.” I swam for the platform, climbing up the ladder when I reached it. I sat down on the side, my feet in the water. Asher joined me, his knee bent behind me, his arm hanging on his knee. The other leg dangled in the water. The sun was behind the mountain throwing the inlet into the shade. It was a pretty evening. I looked up at him to find him looking down at the water, his face somber.
“What are you thinking about?” I asked gently.
He sighed. “About what you said last night.” He turned to look down at me. “You were right. I’d regret leaving Jess, even if I don’t recognize her anymore.”
“I’m sorry, Ash,” I said.
He shook his head, his eyes back on mine. “Don’t be. You were right.”
“I didn’t want to be,” I admitted. “Hell, you’d be happier if I wasn’t. But then…”
“I’d regret it,” he finished for me. “Like you said.”
“I’m sorry,” I told him.
“Ally.” I looked up and met his eyes. “How did you know I’d regret it?”
I gave him a small, soft smile. “I know you.” My voice was quiet, just barely louder than the water lapping at the platform.
“You really do,” he whispered. His eyes ran over my face. “I care about you, Ally.”
“I care about you too.”
He swallowed hard. “No, Ally… I have feelings for you.” My heart raced. Everything stopped.
“You... do?” I asked, stunned. Was this really fucking happening?
“Ever since you stayed that week with me,” he said softly. “I thought I’d just ride it out… but my feelings aren’t going away.” His ocean eyes ran over me again. My heart raced as warmth poured through me. “Do…” He swallowed hard. “Do you have feelings for me?”
My heart slammed against my ribs, taking my breath away. Before I realized it, I was answering softly. “Yeah.”
The tension left his shoulders as he let out the breath he’d been holding. He smiled and for a moment I thought it might work. That I could be with him and be happy. Then I remembered what my future held and reality came crashing down.
“But…” I took a deep breath as I met his eyes. “But I don’t think that matters.”
His face fell. I had to give him a reason, a reason that wasn’t the truth. I scrambled for an excuse. “Ash, if it went wrong… If we try and break up… I-I-I would lose all of you.”
His eyes unfocused as he looked out at the water again. “You think it wouldn’t work?”
My heart breaking, I answered. “That’s not it. I just… if it went wrong, I could lose everyone.”
He looked down at me. “No, you wouldn’t, we’re family. We’d never—”
“Look at Jake and Derrick,” I said desperately. Please buy this. I can’t… I can’t tell you the truth, not yet. “They can’t even be in the same room right now and they have years of being friends over us.” My throat tightened. “I can’t lose you guys.”
“Ally, they broke up a couple of days ago,” he reminded me. “It’s going to take some time for them to adjust. But…”
“Do you really want to take that chance?” I asked quietly. Asher. Please. Believe it…
We were quiet for a few minutes. “Shit,” he cursed with feeling. “Ally… I can’t lose you. Even if…” He took a breath. “Even for the chance of something more.”
“I can’t lose you guys either.”
He wrapped his arm around me and buried his face into my hair. This was for the best… really it was.
“I shouldn’t have said a damn thing,” he said, his voice thick. “I shouldn’t have told you. I should have just kept my mouth shut.” I squeezed him back.
“No, Ash. It’s okay,” I reassured him. It was nice to hear once. “We both know this can’t happen, so now maybe we can move on.” I hoped I wasn’t full of shit. I wiped my face, hoping he wouldn’t notice. His lips moved to my forehead.
“Ally,” he groaned softly. He noticed. I rubbed my hand over his back.
“It’s okay. I’m a girl. We leak.” He snorted, his hold loosening. I pulled away and wiped my face again, looking back towards shore.
“Did I just screw everything up between us?” His voice was pained. I looked up at him and shook my head, my heart sore and aching.
“No, Superman, we’ll be okay.” I reached up and ran my fingers along his jaw. “It’s just going to suck for a while.” He looked like his heart was hurting too. It was hard to see. I dropped my hand and turned back toward shore. “We… we should head back.”
“Yeah, we’re supposed to meet at Miles’ soon,” he said. I nodded and then slipped into the water. He splashed in behind me.
When we reached the shore, we silently got dressed and headed back to the truck. Neither one of us spoke as we got in. He started the truck while I put my seatbelt on. The tension was so thick in the cab I could almost taste it. This was the right thing to do. Too bad my heart wouldn't listen.
We were almost back to the old paved road when he stopped the truck and put it in park.
“What are we doing, Ally?” he whispered.
“Um. I…” I didn’t know what to say.
“Why aren’t we going to try?” he asked, his voice soft. My pulse skipped.
“Because if we broke up…” I met his rough eyes.
He leaned over the console then his lips were on mine. My heart slammed in my chest, my eyes closed automatically as his lips moved. He kissed me gently before his lips pressed down. Then I was kissing him back. I couldn’t stop myself, I didn’t want to. Vanilla and cinnamon filled my senses as his fingers slid up my jaw until he held my cheek.
My lips opened to his; he slipped in and scrambled my brain. He kissed me sweetly, his mouth driving everything away. I moved with him, not caring if this was smart, or right. I just wanted to feel Asher a little longer. His free hand moved to my knee. Tingles rushed through me as his fingers brushed my skin. He kissed me deeply, my heart raced in my chest. In the back of my mind, I knew this was stupid. This was Asher. Wonderful, talented, sexy as all hell Asher. I had fucking loved him for months. I knew I couldn’t have him, I just… needed this memory. I needed this feeling just a little fucking longer. His fingers moved up the skin on the outside of my thigh. Our kiss slowed, became gentler, softer. When he pulled back, I tried to catch my breath. His hand moved down to hold my neck, his thumb running over my throat. His eyes met mine.
“Why aren’t we trying?” he whispered. My chest ached. I bit the corner of my bottom lip. He needed to believe me. I wasn’t ready to tell him…
“Because…” I swallowed hard, trying to get my mind back. “Because if it went wrong, it could go really wrong. Remember Jake and Derrick?” I reached up and held his hand against my neck. His eyes ran over my face before meeting my eyes again.
“But if it didn’t go bad?” he offered. “What if it went the other way?”
I bit my lip again. I couldn’t see a way out, not without lying. I swallowed hard. “Then someone else will get hurt,” I admitted. He sighed deeply and closed his eyes.
“Zeke, right?” he asked. I pulled back, his hand dropped from my neck.
“I didn’t say that,” I whispered, my chest burning.
He gave me a sad smile. “You didn’t have to.” He looked out the windshield. “I’m not blind, Ally. I’ve seen the way he looks at you when he thinks no one is paying attention.”
I rubbed my eyes with one hand. I couldn’t correct him. This might be the only way for him to understand. “I’m sorry.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” he said before he turned to look down at me. “If anyone deserves a girl like you, it’s Zeke.”
My eyes burned as I swallowed hard. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt anybody,” I said quietly.
He rubbed his neck. “I kissed you,” he reminded me. He shook his head. “And… I can’t do that to Zeke.” He met my eyes again. “I’ll step back, Ally.”
“Is that what you want?” I asked in a whisper. He needed to believe me…