Chapter TWENTY-FIVE
I couldn’t do it that night. Everything in my head was telling me that I had no choice, that I had to go back, that I had to keep fighting, to keep pleading.
But I couldn’t do it. Everything inside of me was screaming against my brain. My entire being shuddered at the thought of having to go back one more time.
I just couldn’t do it that night.
The air was cold and damp that night as I sat on the wooden swing on the deck. I could hear Alex inside, putting the remains of his cooking frenzy away. The wood planks below me were cold on my toes as I pushed myself slowly back and forth. Drops of dew were already forming on the seat around me, creating a ghost around my body where it warmed the wood too much for the water to collect.
I closed my eyes, tipping my head back against the swing. Breathing the night air in felt good. Yet I still felt like I was suffocating. So much of me felt dead.
The back door opened but I didn’t open my eyes until something light but large in size was placed on my lap. I opened my eyes to see Alex keeping my guitar upright and balanced on my lap. In his other hand he held his own guitar.
“It’s been a long time since you’ve played it,” he said, letting go of mine. He settled on the ground in front of me, crossing his legs, and letting his own settle in his lap. His eyes holding mine, he let his fingers start to pick their way through chords.
Something in me wanted to smile at this gesture of normality. Alex was right. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had played my guitar. I played so infrequently the last year or so that there wasn’t even a hint of the callouses that once covered the fingertips on my left hand.
Looking down at the strings, I placed my fingers on them. And then my other hand started picking at them, bringing notes out that reflected how I felt inside. Broken and lost.
Alex picked up with a fitting harmony, his notes complimenting mine but in a hopeful uplifting tone. I met his eyes as I continued to play, searching for answers there. But all I could think about was how the gray was soon going to be blue again, and I was never going to be able to see them.
It took a moment for me to realize my picking had faded away. Alex started to hum to his notes. After a minute I recognized the tune. Alex started to sing softly.
“You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now.
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life.
‘Cause sooner or later it’s over,
I just don’t want to miss you tonight.
And I don’t want the world to see me,
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand.
When everything’s made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.”
“The Goo Goo Dolls,” I said when Alex stopped singing, his fingers still moving though. “I’ve always loved that song.”
“I always kind of thought Iris described us,” he said, his eyes looking a little sad still. “It’s always been our song to me, I guess.”
“It’s perfect,” I said.
We were quiet for a moment, simply looking at each other. There were a million words that needed to be said between us, and all I wanted was a lifetime to say them.
“In case this doesn’t work,” Alex said, his voice sounding rough. “In case they take me, I just want you to know that I don’t regret one second of the past year. I would do it all over, every moment of it. It’s been worth it all.”
Feeling so still inside, I set my guitar on the deck and kneeled down in front of him. He set his own guitar aside, keeping my eyes. I reached my hand toward him, letting my fingers trace the blackness around his eyes. I let my hands drift to his lips, feeling their smooth surface.
“This can’t be the end,” I breathed, letting my eyes linger everywhere but his eyes. “Everything has just started for us. This can’t be the end.”
He didn’t say anything and I could feel his eyes tracing over every surface of my face, letting them trail down to my body. I felt my pulse quicken, electricity running under my skin. Alex’s right hand came up, trailing lightly along my bare arm. I traced my fingers along the edges of his lips, recalling how they tasted and felt against my own.
Alex’s hands went from my arm to the hem of my shirt, lifting it over my head. The cool air caused goosebumps to flash across my skin. He just looked at me for a moment, his eyes taking in every detail. And finally his eyes came back up to mine, his alight with love and anticipation. His hand came to my cheek.
“You’re perfect,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “You’ve always been perfect.”
A small smile crossed my lips then, and for the first time in what felt like a long time, I actually felt happy.
For that moment, being there with him would be enough to last me forever.