Chapter TWENTY-THREE
That evening, after a call to Rita for an update on the surgery, Alex and I headed out of the house. We had to carefully consider how best to cover up the being Alex was becoming. Pushing a baseball cap down as far as he could on his head, he also wore a long sleeved t-shirt and I had my first experience in putting make-up on a man. Even with the cover-up, the blackness around his eyes was frightening.
The light was quickly fading as Alex parked the truck at the hospital we seemed to be making far too many visits to. My stomach knotted as I remembered all of us who had been housed in these walls for a time. I’d spent far too many hours there.
Silent visitors walked the halls. But as we got toward the end of the one we had been directed to, laughter and happy chatting could be heard from one of the rooms. We slowed as a crowd of people spilled out into the hallway, and I couldn’t help but glance in their direction.
“Jessica!” a voice from inside the crowded room called. I did a double-take, and caught a glimpse of Austin’s face through the crowd of people.
“Hey,” I tried to sound cheerful as he pushed his way through them towards Alex and I. I swallowed hard as Austin caught a glimpse of Alex’s face, and he stopped just a little too short, his eyes growing wide.
“Hey,” he said, his voice slightly too quiet as he looked at Alex’s face again. Finally pulling his eyes away, he met mine, a genuine smile spreading on his face. “How was Costa Rica?”
“Pretty,” I said simply, stuffing my hands into the pockets of my jacket. “I assume that’s your sister’s room?”
Austin glanced back toward the doorway and all the people. “Yeah. I’m surprised the nurses haven’t come back down here to yell at us for not letting Callie rest. Everyone’s just so excited about the surgery. We’ve waited a long time for this.”
“I’m really happy for you and your family,” I said, trying to give a small smile. It felt like I’d forgotten how to.
“Emily’s amazing,” Austin said, his face cracking into a brilliant smile. It wasn’t hard to tell he was already head over heels. That did make me smile just a bit.
“Yeah, she really is,” I agreed with him. “We’re going to see her now.”
Austin nodded, his smile still spread. “I’ll be down there in a few.”
“Okay,” I said hollowly and started back down the hall. I didn’t miss Austin’s wary glance at Alex’s face again. Or the way Alex was unnaturally silent the entire time.
“Did he see it as bad as it is?” I asked quietly as we approached Emily’s room number.
Alex just shook his head.
Another small stone was added to the pile in my stomach. Alex hated messing with people’s heads.
I gave three quiet taps on the door before being told to come in. We stepped inside, this room looking exactly like the one Sal had resided in before being transferred to the mental institution.
“Hey, guys!” Emily said cheerily, smiling at us from where she sat slightly propped up with a few overly starched white pillows. “Guess you found out my secret.”
“Rita accidently narked on you,” I said, trying to smile for her as I crossed the room and hugged her. I then sat on the bed next to her. Emily reached for one of my hands and held it tightly.
“Blast,” she said, though a wide smile covered her face.
I just shook my head, a real feeling smile tugging at the corner of my mouth.
“Well, you look like hell,” Emily said as her eyes turned to Alex who stood just behind me.
“Thanks,” Alex said with a chuckle and a shake of his head. “I kind of feel like hell.”
“It’s getting worse?” she asked, her voice suddenly serious.
“Much,” I said. My rock-filled stomach gave a little twist and shudder, my insides still not solid. “So when are you going to be able to go home?” I changed the subject. I was getting good at that.
“I talked to the doctor,” she said with a slight sigh. “They agreed to let me out for a few hours so I could go to Sal’s service. One of you will have to come pick me up. They’ll talk your ear off about being careful, not letting me do too much, blah, blah, blah. Then I have to come back for a few more days. Hopefully I can go home in a few days.”
“Uh, you’re not going home by yourself,” I said, my eyes turning a glare at her. “You’re not going back to sit in that empty apartment by yourself. We’ve got that whole house to ourselves and an entire apartment sitting empty downstairs. You’ll be coming to stay with us.”
A small smile spread on her face again, her eyes practically glowing. “Okay,” she said, her voice showing hints of emotion. “Thanks you guys.”
“You’re always welcome,” Alex chimed in.
There was a knock at the door and a moment later Austin stepped inside, a familiar grin spread on his face.
“Hey,” he breathed.
“Hey,” Emily said airily back.
I just shook my head. They so liked each other and were so oblivious to how bad it was.
“So what is the University doing while you’re out of commission?” I said, turning back to Emily. Austin had taken a seat next to her bed, sitting with his socked feet on the edge of the mattress.
“My students are being tortured with book work. Did you know there were entire books written on yoga?”
“I do work in a bookstore,” I chuckled.
“Oh, right,” she said, her face flushing red just a little bit. “Well, I didn’t really think about that. I just did yoga. Anyway, the University requires that I have some sort of text curriculum which I’ve been putting off so that’s what they’re doing while I’m gone. Book work. Independently.”
I nodded, grateful for such normal conversation.
I felt Alex lay a hand on my shoulder from behind. The trembling in them was getting violent again. I got the message.
“Well,” I said as I stood, letting Alex’s hand slip into mine. “We’d better be going. I’m glad that you’re doing okay.”
I gave Emily a hug, hesitating awkwardly before giving Austin one too. Alex just hung by the door, struggling to keep it together before we could get back to the truck.
“Take care,” I said to Emily as I joined him at the door.
“You too,” she said with a sad smile. “Hang in there Alex. You’re not allowed to go.”
“Thanks, Emily,” Alex replied in a shaky voice.
As soon as we closed the door behind us, Alex practically ran back to the truck. The sun had fully set by that point, the hospital looking unnaturally bright from the outside. Throwing the passenger door of the truck open, Alex flung himself inside.
And the next moment his jacket and shirt were shredded as his wings burst out.
I hesitated outside, just one more rock dropping on the pile forming inside of me. Alex kneeled on the seat, clutching his arms around his head, shaking in a way that I could see even from here.
Gathering my courage, I swallowed hard, and opened the driver’s door. I felt like I should have asked Alex if he was okay, but it was obvious he wasn’t. So instead I put the key in the ignition, started the truck, and backed out of our parking spot.
Alex didn’t move the entire drive back. We didn’t say a word as we moved through the night. As we got back to the lake, I stopped in front of Sal’s house and got out before Alex could say anything.
I fished for Sal’s keys and let myself in.
All the nights Sal and I had spent together, all the episodes of Touched by an Angel I had tried to ignore, all the meltdowns and leisurely afternoons came back to me. I’d never hear Sal’s nonsensical voice again.
Pushing the memories aside, I made my way downstairs into Sal’s bathroom. Opening her mirror, I found her prescription sleeping pills. My hands threatening to shake, I twisted the lid off, found twenty-something-odd pills still inside. Slipping the bottle into my pocket, I walked back upstairs, and locked the front door behind me again.
By the time I got back into the truck, Alex looked more composed, his wings gone. His face looked tired, but not quite so dead. I hadn’t expected him to remain silent after I got back in and parked the truck in our garage, but he didn’t question me.
We walked into the silent house, still neither of us saying a word. I sighed as I set my purse on the table, bracing my hands against its wooden surface. I let my eyes slide closed, feeling so heavy and so exhausted.
I heard Alex walk out of the bedroom, assuming he had gone to get a new shirt. He hesitated behind me in the living room. I could feel the turmoil inside of him. It reached out to me, meshed with my own.
“We’re going to go to Italy next spring,” he suddenly said, his voice louder than I expected it to be, like he was trying to convince himself of their sureness. “Next April. We’re going to go spend two weeks in Italy. We’re going to ride a gondola, or whatever they’re called. We’re going to go stay in some really expensive villa with goats or something that grazes the land.”
“Goats?” I said, my eyes still not leaving the surface of the table.
“Or something,” he said. I heard him take two steps toward me. “And then next November we’re going to go to Greece. I’ve never been.”
“I’d love to see Greece,” I said, feeing a few of those rocks in my stomach disappear.
“Next month we are going to go to your sister’s wedding. We’re going to watch her and Rod say their vows. And someday, you and I will be aunt and uncle to their kids.”
And then one more rock dropped back in.
“And when we feel ready, we’re going to adopt some kids of our own,” Alex was standing just a foot behind me now.
“Three,” I said softly. “I always wanted three, when the time came.”
“Three it is then,” Alex said as he touched my shoulders lightly. Almost as if he didn’t quite dare wrap his arms around me. “And then we’re going to remodel this house. We’re going to decorate a nursery, put a swing on the branch that hangs over the backyard.
“We’re going to have our own family, Jessica Wright. We will make our own life.”
I turned around to face Alex. His eyes burned with intensity as they looked into mine. I wrapped my arms behind his neck, bringing his face close to mine. I touched my forehead to his and closed my eyes. “We are going to move on to the rest of our lives.”
“Yes we are,” he said, letting his lips brush mine as he spoke.
“Thank you,” I said with a sigh, letting myself relax into his embrace. It felt nice to be supported, to just finally let go of everything inside of me.
Alex didn’t say anything, just brushed his lips against my temple and squeezed me tighter.