Chapter TWENTY-FOUR
I collapsed to my knees as the afterlife materialized around me. It felt as if my body were trying to turn itself inside out. My organs tried to expand and explode their way out of my skin. My entire body quaked.
Lifting my head took every ounce of strength I had. Trying to place myself, I found I was on the staircase, directly across from the council’s seats. The new Cormack had just walked back into the stone tunnel leaving a recently deceased person standing alone on the catwalk.
As I heard the rustling of wings, I threw myself back against the wall, trying to make myself as small as possible.
I couldn’t even dare a glance toward the council as the trial got underway. I didn’t want to know if they could see me or now. I wasn’t sure if I should feel panicked or relieved when the condemned and exalted started flooding into the cylinder. They hid me from the eyes of the council, but my odd behavior was like sending out a flare. Yet no one acknowledged my presence; they simply sat in rapture of the trial underway.
I looked around as I got to my feet, the names of the dead running through my head.
But I didn’t have to search for long. A pair of blue eyes locked with mine, and as usual, I just knew that was Philip Clearwater. As he started walking toward me, two others joined his side, and a moment later, three more. As he approached me, he gave a nod of his head, indicating that I was to start up the staircase. I understood. We were in too obvious of a spot.
As we made our way up, the crowd behind me seeming to grow, I dared one glance sideways toward the ten council member’s.
A dull throb pulsed through my chest as my eyes settled on Cole. Our final hours together before he was pulled back filled my thoughts. The honesty he had finally allowed to come through put a lot of strange feelings into my chest.
Suddenly, as if I had spoken those thoughts directly into his ear, Cole’s eyes lifted from the man before him. He scanned the staircase for just a moment, and then his eyes met mine.
I could tell he was trying hard not to react to me. But I could see the fear in his eyes, the panic he must have been feeling. And then his eyes flashed to the other side of the cylinder, to the stairway that wound up and down. I followed his line of sight, feeling a strange sensation crawling along in my blood.
I saw myself from across the cylinder. I stared down at the man on trial, my face serene and calm looking.
Jane.
The woman Cole had loved for centuries. The woman who had cheated on her husband with Cole. The woman he had fathered an illegitimate child with. And the woman who had forsaken him.
The woman who was the reason Cole had come after me.
My own eyes slid back to Cole. I didn’t even think to be more tactful to compose my shock-saturated face. Cole’s eyes met mine again, his expression both saddened and shameful looking.
I was prodded from behind, and I stumbled forward, my body feeling numb.
“Keep moving,” a voice mumbled from behind.
I just kept glancing back and forth from Jane’s oblivious face to Cole’s deepening disturbed one.
He caught my eyes once more, and shook his head in a very clear way.
I swallowed hard and turned my eyes back in the direction I was supposed to be going. Gathering my wits, I committed myself to not look at Jane and her blue eyes again.
Finally out of view of the council, I turned back to the people behind me, realizing that the group had grown to over a dozen angels.
“We know why you’re here,” a woman with black eyes said. Surprisingly her voice was calm, not the normal hate-filled hissing they usually spoke with. “And while not all of us agree, I will do what you ask. I haven’t forgotten the branding you endured for me.”
“But the council needs him,” a blue-eyed man said, his eyes turning hard on the woman. “You’ve seen the chaos. Only one council member has been committed for the next term but the contention continues to get worse. He will be a needed addition.”
I glanced back to the council. A blue-eyed man I had never seen before sat with the rest of them, one of the women now gone.
“He didn’t deserve to be taken when he was,” the woman said, her voice hardening as she met the man’s glare. “It wasn’t his time.”
“It must have been if he’s dead!” another of the black-eyed angels said.
“Please,” I said, my voice just a little too quiet to be heard. I swallowed hard, squeezing my eyes closed. “Please,” I said more loudly, letting my eyes slowly open again. “Don’t accept him when they judge him.”
They were quiet for a while, their eyes not quite meeting mine.
“Not like it matters,” one of the ones with black eyes said. “We all know where he will be placed. It doesn’t matter if my kind agree.”
“He’s right,” a blue-eyed woman said. “We all know where he’s going. You really only have to get those of us he would join to agree with you.”
“Than do it,” I said, my voice sounding desperate. “I can’t let him be taken back. And I need you to help me. I can’t reach everyone in time. He only has a week, at the most. I need you all to help find those I stood trial for and get them to agree.”
They were silent again for a moment that felt too ominously long.
“We can’t make that promise,” a young looking blond woman said quietly.
I met each of their eyes, reading the same answer in each of them.
“Fine,” I said, my voice shaking, threatening to crack. “But can you just tell me one thing before I go?” I took their silence as a maybe. “Have any of you seen a Sally Thomas?”
They glanced between each other, something spreading through them that felt like an inside secret.
“That’s enough,” I said, closing my eyes again. “You don’t have to tell me. I just wanted to know if anyone had seen her.”
Without waiting for any more heart-sinking words, I stepped off the ledge.
The following two days passed in a slow roll of anticipation and dread. I continued to go back to the afterlife as much as I could, aided by Sal’s pills. But I was getting the same answers. A few would do what I asked, but most wanted him on the council. We were losing this battle.
Alex couldn’t even keep his wings in anymore. They were patchy and frail looking. Feathers were strewn throughout the house.
Alex finally looked like the terrifying being Cole had become, just with gray eyes instead of black.
As per Sal’s wishes according to her will, Sal was cremated and her remains were given to me in a beautiful black urn. I dressed solemnly that morning, black feeling so fitting for the day. At six in the morning, there was a soft knock on the door and as I stepped into the living room, Emily and Amber walked in, just the two of them. Emily moved with care, obviously still tender from the surgery. I hadn’t dared leave Alex to go pick her up. Amber had agreed without a fight.
We didn’t say anything as I gathered what was left of Sal’s physical body. Emily and Amber’s eyes both grew wider as Alex stepped out of our room, his wings exposed, the truth of what he was undeniable.
“Oh Alex,” Emily breathed, crossing the room to wrap her arms around him. He simply squeezed his eyes closed and hugged her back. Amber just stood there, eyes wide and frozen. I couldn’t blame her. I felt like that too sometimes.
“Let’s go,” I said, my voice raw. “Before the neighbors wake up.”
Without waiting for a response, I opened the front door and stepped outside into the misty October morning.
We all silently made our way up the hillside. The ground was slightly slick with the morning dew and all the mist. The dense evergreens around us felt warm and cold at the same time. Something about that mist that hung low to the ground made the moment not feel real, like this was a scene from a movie and this was the solemn part where a single choir voice would sing out a high-pitched, sad sounding note.
Light shone on the peak we hiked to, the sun casting shadows on the ground that added to the surreal feel of that morning. We gathered on the rocky top, each taking in the view that dropped away back to the lake on one side, the other side spanning out to the ocean and the islands in it.
I clutched the urn tightly to my chest, feeling like if I loosened my grip I might just finally break down. I was already filled with too many cracks, if I let the sand start to leak through one of them, the entire spider-web would shatter.
“Sal was one of the most innocent people I knew,” Emily said, always the clear-headed one in situations where I couldn’t be. “She was always so sweet and always honest. I have been lucky to have been able to call her my friend.”
It was quiet for a moment then. I couldn’t seem to make my eyes move from one of the islands out in the water, not really seeing anything.
“Um,” Amber cleared her throat, her voice sounding slightly uncomfortable. “I didn’t know Sal well, but she was a good person. You can just tell that about people sometimes. Sal was a beautiful being.”
Alex’s arm came around my shoulders, his wings brushing against my back. “Sal was genuine,” he said, his voice coming out strong and clear. “There are a lot of fake people in this world and a lot of people pretend to be something they are not. But Sal wasn’t one of those people. I always appreciated that about her, not that she could have been different, but it’s always nice to know that someone isn’t saying one thing to you and thinking another. Sal was real.”
I closed my eyes, feeling as if everything inside of me was sinking into my feet. A single tear broke from my eyelashes and rolled down my cheek. I felt the cracks spreading inside of me.
Alex squeezed his arm tighter around me, pressing his lips to my temple. “You don’t have to say anything,” he said quietly. “We all know you loved her. Sal knows you love her.”
Emily came to stand in front of me, placing her hands on the urn. “It’s time sweetie,” she said softly. A light breeze picked up off the ocean, pulling her curls around her face. I stood there, looking into Emily’s eyes for a moment, squeezing the urn with all the pain inside of me. But finally I nodded my head, and let her take Sal from me.
Emily took the lid off and carefully, turned it on its side.
Slowly, the pieces of Sal’s left behind body were carried away down the hillside on the wind.
When the urn was empty, Emily replaced the lid, and then hugged the porcelain herself.
“Sal saw things for what they were.”
Everything inside of me stilled at that voice. Everything about that accent, the timbre of it, the tone of his voice brought back a flood of memories and emotions.
Everyone turned at once. And there he was, standing on the hill top, back in the world of the living.
“Cole,” I breathed.
His black eyes seemed alight, reflecting so many emotions I felt fanning out inside of me.
“She saw me for what I was,” he said, his voice low.
“How?” I said, my voice not fully wanting to work.
“I don’t have long,” he said, his again flawless looking face almost pained looking. “A few minutes. If they realize I’m gone I will for certain lose my position on the council.”
It wasn’t until then that I thought to look at Alex. But I was surprised when I looked at him that he seemed controlled. His face looked wary, but he wasn’t seething as I had expected.
“What are you doing here?” Alex asked, his voice careful.
Cole met his eyes, his face a mix of the old jealousy and sadness. “You feel like hell, don’t you?” he asked.
Alex simply nodded.
“I came to tell the two of you the time is coming. Quickly. I would be surprised if you have two days left. Probably shorter.”
“Is there anything else we can do?” I asked. Cole’s words from a few months previous echoed in my head. If they can’t claim you, what are you willing to do to save him?
“Pray for a miracle,” he said, his voice sounding as defeated as my thoughts felt.
We both stared at each other for a long moment. Everything inside of me felt knotted up, such a tangled web of panic, determination, despair, fading hope. I would never be able to distinguish all the pieces of me again.
“You’ve grown so much, Jessica,” Cole said, something in his eyes softening. “When I told you to fight back I didn’t expect this. I understand now, just how much you really do love him. To go back to my world and fight for him like that.”
I slipped my hand into Alex’s.
And before our eyes, Cole’s skin started tightening, a few black veins rose around his eyes. He wasn’t lying when he said he only had a few minutes.
“There’s really nothing you can do for him?” I said, suddenly taking a step toward him.
“At this point I don’t think anyone but you can save him,” Cole said, the black veins rising on his face more quickly. He was decaying before our eyes.
I swallowed hard, feeling my hands start to tremble. It felt like they never stopped doing that these days. Everything inside of me started to quake, seeing Cole being pulled back into his world seemed to remind my body that was where it belonged now.
“Cole,” I said in a hoarse whisper. “What about Sal? Is she…” my voice cut out. It hurt too much to think of sweet, innocent Sal having to stand a trial.
“She’s in a happier place,” he said, giving me a sad half smile. I saw something flash in his eyes, similar to how the angels in the afterlife had reacted.
A tear slipped down my face then and I could only give a little nod.
“Use your time wisely,” Cole said. Glancing over at Emily, Cole’s eyes grew sad. “It was good to see you again, Emily.”
And then he was gone.
I could only hear the sounds of my breathing for a long while. The air flowed in and out of my lungs slowly, expanding and then contracting. The breeze had stilled, the world feeling silent and dead.
Not even realizing what I was doing, I had looked to the side and finally felt like I slipped back into my body when I took in Emily and Amber’s expressions.
Amber’s face was filled with nothing but pure horror. Her eyes were wide and distant looking, her jaw just slightly slack. But Emily’s eyes were filled with tears, her lower lip trembling. She looked absolutely exhausted. And her face was pale white.
“Let’s get you back, Emily,” I said, turning back toward the house. “You can’t be getting all worked up.”
“It’s happening again,” she said in a weak voice. “I’m having them again.”
“Having what again?” I asked, turning back toward Emily.
“The nightmares,” she half whispered.
I didn’t say anything for a moment, trying to make my brain process what Emily had just said. “That’s what Cole meant?”
Emily nodded. She then turned and pulled her curly blond hair from her neck. Her brand was freshly red and painful looking. “My first time back and I was branded.”
“Oh Emily,” I said, crossing the space and pulling her into my arms. “You know what this means, don’t you?” I squeezed her tighter.
Emily sniffed, nodding her head. “I’m neutral now.”
“It’s more than that,” I said, my voice sounding excited and finally hopeful. “You’re not condemned anymore, Emily. You have a wonderful future before you.”
She sniffed again, a breathy sounding laugh escaping her lips. She stepped away from me, wiping at her tears, a small smile spreading on her face. “You’re right,” she said. “And while this is terrifying, to know I’m going to go through this again every time I sleep, it feels good. It’s worth it. Just like Cormack said.”
“I’m so happy for you,” Alex said, stepping forward to join us, his smile both brilliant and pained.
“I’m not really sure what is going on,” Amber said. “But it sounds like having nightmares is a good thing. I guess I’m happy for you too.”
We all chuckled a little at Amber, everyone coming close together, and embracing in a very real and very needed four-person hug.
“We really should get you back,” I said to Emily as we released each other. With a nod from her, we all started silently back down the hillside.
Amber and Emily didn’t even come inside when we got back to the house. They both climbed in Amber’s car and pulled onto the road. I was relieved that they did, I heard Alex’s labored breathing the whole way down, saw how his feet seemed so unsteady on our unmarked path.
Alex was practically gasping as we walked through the doors. Before I could even say anything, he was suddenly in the kitchen, moving faster than a human ever could, and was pulling half of the contents of the fridge out, and a mountain of pots and mixing bowls.
“Alex,” I said, unsure of what to say. Because, really, what was there left to say?
He shook his head, his breathing still hard and sharp. “I need…” he struggled to speak. “I need to… make something. I need… to stay here.” He paused in cracking half a dozen eggs and braced his hands on the countertop, squeezing his eyes closed. His whole chest expanded and contracted as he took in mouthfuls of air. His wings trembled, the morning sun coming in through the window and reflecting off of them.
Alex no longer looked like something you’d read about in a romance novel. He was no longer perfect and glorious looking. He looked like something out of a horror movie. Like something from your worst nightmare.
In that moment I felt so selfish. It was obvious how much pain Alex was in. I had caused every moment of this pain. If he hadn’t have met me he never would have died at the age of only twenty-three, his neck snapped by a demented angel. He never would have become an angel himself, until it was his time at a very old age. He wouldn’t be holding onto reality with every painful fiber of his being.
Maybe it would be better for him to move on. All the other angels I had pleaded with said what a wonderful thing it was that awaited him. To be an exalted council member had to have its benefits. And it sounded like it was pretty much a guaranteed thing. I was keeping him from that. I was being selfish again.
But I couldn’t stop being selfish.
I couldn’t stop loving Alex.
I couldn’t let him go where I could never go permanently.
The phone suddenly rang, causing me to jump violently. Alex took one more deep breath, and moved back to whatever it was he was making. I numbly walked to the handset and picked up the phone.
“Hello?” I answered. Alex paused, watching my face as I listened to the voice on the other end. “Uh huh,” I said. Swallowing hard, I forced myself to answer the woman on the other end’s question.
“I don’t know if that will be possible,” I said. “I’m afraid my husband will probably be leaving soon and I’m not sure when he will be returning.” Alex’s eyes continued to watch mine. “Okay. Thank you.”
I hung up the phone and sank onto a barstool.
“That was the rehab facility,” I explained, Alex’s hands continuing their work.
“And?” he said, measuring out some flour.
“Caroline’s doing really well. They said she’s really progressing. She wanted to set up a meeting with you.”
“Oh,” was all Alex said, his hands pausing for just a moment as he placed my responses with the words the woman on the phone had spoken.
And I sat at the counter the rest of the day as Alex cooked a meal that would have fed fifteen people.