I shoved down the grief and battled to get it nicely tucked away again. The embodiment of Pellini’s stone cold bitch. Under control.
Nope. Didn’t work. “I can’t feel anything,” I managed to gasp. “Can’t see anything.” And then my gut caved in on itself, and a wave of sobs rose to choke me. No no no! I couldn’t lose it now. I scrambled to get up. All I wanted was to run away and hide somewhere, anywhere.
Idris grabbed my arm and pulled me back down, called my name. I clawed at him, fought, screamed at him to leave me alone, to let me go. I couldn’t see through my tears. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t see.
He wrapped his arms around me, pulled me close to his chest and refused to let me go no matter how much I thrashed and shrieked and cursed. He held me until I stopped fighting him, my throat raw and head aching. Worn out, tired of fighting, tired of everything, I finally buried my face against his shoulder and shook in big snotty wet sobs. Even then he didn’t release me but gently changed his hold to an embrace.
Eventually I wound down to snuffly hiccups. I remained blind to the arcane, but I felt better, more clear. Drawing a shaky breath, I sat up straighter. This time Idris let me go—with caution, as if releasing an alligator back to the swamp. I wiped my face with the bottom of my shirt. “Thanks,” I said and offered him an unsteady smile, then winced. Three scratches scored the side of his face along with several on each forearm. “Crap, Idris. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
He cut me off with a lift of his hand and a ghost of a smile. “Don’t worry about it,” he said. “I have older sisters, remember?”
I didn’t miss the haunted pain behind the sincere words. “Explains why you’re such a sissy,” I said as I gave his shoulder a light shove.
Idris chuckled, but it faded along with his smile. Shifting to face the pond, he gazed out over the water. “How long have you known?”
I rubbed my puffy eyes. “I’ve only known for sure since the day after the plantation raid,” I said. “However, I suspected Tessa might be your mom back in Mzatal’s realm, after you two rescued me from Rhyzkahl.” I gave him a tentative smile. “Your hair and eyes and features. When I returned here I asked her if she’d ever had a baby, and she told me she had but that it was stillborn. And, well, I’m a sneaky bitch. I collected DNA samples from both of you and had them tested.” I let out a long sigh. “I knew she’d been in the demon realm with Rhyzkahl not long before the baby—you—were born. Rhyzkahl was my prime suspect, and Zack confirmed it.”
Idris dug a golf ball sized rock from beneath the leaves and threw it hard at the water. It struck with a heavy sploosh, sending up a spray of sparkling droplets. “Does Rhyzkahl know?”
“No,” I said softly. “And neither does Tessa. Someone manipulated her to believe you’d been stillborn and that the dad was an American in Japan who loved her and left.”
He frowned at me. “Who did the manipulation? Mzatal? Jesral?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “When I found out, I assumed the manipulation had been in place for twenty years.” I pressed the heels of my hands to my temples. “But now I’m not so sure. She’s off with Katashi—willingly. Maybe the manipulation is more recent.”
He toyed with a twig on the ground in front of him. “When were you planning on telling me?”
Exhaling, I dropped my hands to my lap. “You’ve been kind of a mess, and I didn’t want to screw you up more.” I shook my head. “So, of course, I went ahead and did exactly that. Idris, I’m so sorry.”
He went eerily still. “It’s okay. It’s out now, and I’m fine.”
“Uh huh. As fine as I was a few minutes ago.”
“I’m dealing with it,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’m fine.”
“Idris,” I said with extreme gentleness, “you’re not fine. You haven’t been fine since you witnessed Amber’s murder. It broke you.”
In a mercurial moment, Idris shot to his feet. “You don’t know,” he said, breathing hard. “You don’t know what it did to me! I’m dealing with it.”
Remaining seated, I tipped my head back to regard him. “How?” My already hoarse voice cracked. “By staying angry and hostile all the time? By lashing out at the people around you at the slightest provocation?” I drew a deep breath and forged on. “You’re pushing everyone away as hard as you can because, if no one’s close to you, maybe a death won’t hurt so much.”
He flicked his hands dismissively. “I’m not doing that. I just have to get those fuckers. No bandwidth for social shit.”