I was still unsure of the wisdom of this plan.
‘Go and wait downstairs, child,’ Ethalia said. ‘There is food there, and Falcio and I have some things to discuss yet.’
‘What kinds of things? Payment?’ Aline said wickedly as she strolled out the door and back down the stairs.
Ethalia closed the door and latched it again before coming back to sit on the bed. ‘The child is not entirely wrong,’ she said.
It wasn’t my place to question their ways, and Saints knew she had done more for me than I could ever pay for. But still it hurt. ‘I don’t have much money, but what I have is yours. What I do not have, I will find and bring to you, when I can. Name your price, Ethalia, and no matter its cost I will always be grateful.’
She leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. ‘Such wise and gracious words. It’s a wonder you aren’t a poet.’
I shrugged, trying to think of something witty to say. Nothing came.
‘You have asked, and so I will name my payment, dearest.’
I wondered if she called all those she helped ‘dearest’ in the morning. I hoped not.
‘My fee is this: there is an island off the Western Coast in the south, not far from Baern. It is a beautiful place, off the trade routes, untouched by conflict. There are plenty of fish, game birds, plants and berries to be found. The water from the streams is clear and clean, and the sunlight in the morning floats down through the trees by the beach like soft rain upon the sand.’
‘I don’t understand,’ I said. ‘You want me to – what? Get you this island?’
She smiled. ‘Yes. I want this island. It is mine by right, the inheritance left me by my mother and father before I joined the Order.’
‘Then what—? I’m sorry, Ethalia, I don’t understand what you’re asking of me. If you already own the island …’
She leaned down and kissed me on the lips. ‘I want you,’ she said. ‘I want you to come with me. We will leave this place and take the southern trade route to the coast, where we will buy a small boat to take us to the island, and back to the mainland when we need a change of scenery.’
‘But, you’re a sister, of the Order …’
She smiled. ‘This has been the first part of my life, Falcio, and I honour it now by knowing when to leave it for the next. It was my destiny to await you here, to heal you and set you free. And now I have, and now I must go.’
‘And you want me to come with you? But Ethalia, you barely know me.’
‘Silly man. I know you very well. But I agree that you do not know as much about me. Do you believe me when I say you would like me once you did? That you would love me?’
‘I … I have no trouble believing that. I just—’
She looked at me with gentle eyes. ‘You have trouble believing we are destined to be together? Don’t you think it at all possible that you are meant to be happy, that I am meant to be happy, and that our happiness can be found together?’
‘I don’t know. Yesterday I would never have believed … But today … I just don’t know.’
She rose and put her hands on my chest and kissed me again. ‘Then I will have to know for both of us, for a little while at least.’ She kissed me again and we stayed like that for a long time, until I gently pushed her away.
‘I can’t,’ I said quietly, more to myself than her.
Ethalia took my hands. ‘We can bring Aline with us. There is no hope for her here, none out there either. Her father was a fool to think his mad plan would ever bear anything but bitter fruit.’
‘My friends, the Greatcoats … You don’t understand … My King gave me a command, and I must see it through.’
‘And what?’ she asked. ‘Find the King’s Charoites? You’ve nearly died how many times for your King?’
‘One less than he did for me,’ I said, more coldly than I had intended.
‘Falcio, listen to me. I have shown you that I know whereof I speak. There is nothing out there for you but pain, and hurt, and death. You have fought long and hard and the Gods, wherever they are, are grateful. They have guided me to you, and I am no small reward.’
‘I don’t want to be given a woman by the Gods like some copper goblet at a festival,’ I said pettishly.
‘And that is how you see me? As a thing you would rather earn than be given? As a whore?’
‘I didn’t say—’
‘I am a whore, Falcio, and proud of it. I whored myself to find out where you were kept when the news came of your capture; I whored myself to a sad, broken guard to find you mercy, and I whored myself again last night.’
‘The guard … the torturer. That was you?’
Of course it made sense. She had used her charms to win over the guard, that’s how she managed to visit me in the prison. That’s what had turned him.
‘I thought … I thought it was my words, what I’d said to him … I would never have asked you to …’
‘Foolish man. Of course your words helped change his heart, but so did my touch. Your wisdom opened his mind, and my body opened his heart. Sometimes that is the way of the world, and it is nothing I will be ashamed of, even if you insist on it for me.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘For all of it.’
‘And again you cannot believe you are worthy of love,’ she said, turning away.
‘I—’ I reached out for her but she took a step away.
‘I cannot forsake the girl,’ I said. ‘Even if I give up on Kest and Brasti, on the King’s command, on all of it. The girl is determined to wait until the end of Ganath Kalila to preserve her family’s name and I cannot let her go alone.’
‘Say “will not”, Falcio, for you sound like a child when you pretend you have no say in the matter.’
‘I will not forsake her, Ethalia.’
She turned back to me and there were tears in her eyes. ‘Then you are just as broken as you were before, for you still believe you do not deserve love. You still believe you must fight and fight and fight until you are dead and only then, in that moment of release, will you set yourself free and reach for me. You are still wounded, Falcio, and thus owe me no payment. Go to your doom, and leave me to mine.’
And just like that, it was over. She sat on the chair by the window and cried softly while I put on the clothes she had set out for me on the table. I put on my greatcoat last, and never had it felt so heavy on my shoulders.
I spoke one last time, knowing it was foolish, but not able to stop myself. Ethalia was right, and so were Kest and Brasti. When we stood at the Rock of Rijou for the end of the Blood Week, the Duke would simply break his oath and send his soldiers to kill us then and there. I had come here not to win, but to die trying.
Still …
‘When it’s done,’ I said, and knelt at her side. ‘When the girl is safe, I will come back here, or wherever you are. If I do, will you have me then? Will you believe that I want happiness, that I want love?’
She turned and smiled sadly, one last time: a parting gift.
‘If you come back, I will be here. If you come back, I will say yes.’ It was the way she said it, her voice full of such resignation and sorrow, that left me convinced that I would never see her again.